A Not So Great Time at Chili's

 Well, it's Friday.  Seemed like a good night for my daughter and I to go out to dinner.  Thinking about what I could have and/or where I wanted to go, the Chili's song popped in my head.  "I want my .. baby back baby back baby back ribs .. "  I started to laugh to myself and that's where we went.  I was looking forward to having a great time, just my daughter and I.

I ordered the 1/2 rack of ribs and I got the black beans instead of the fries that normally come with it.  So far so good!  Sitting there though, my daughter wasn't really talking or saying very much and I was just looking around the restaurant at everyone (it was pretty crowded.)

[Here is where the mental struggles come into play]  I started to feel sorry for myself.  I started to get sad looking around at everyone eating, drinking their ice cold beer, sitting there with their wives and friends having great conversation and just having a great time.  I watched the waitresses walking over serving meals, plates sizzling as they went past me with mounds of great looking and smelling food.  I looked over at my glass of water that I had only taken 2 sips from.  I looked at my daughter and I said, "I sure wish I could just be normal.  I sure wish that I could just be thin like all these other people sitting here with their gorgeous wives, enjoying a beer, not worrying about how many carbs they are eating, or how many calories and just enjoying their food.  It must be so nice to just be normal.  Hell, I cant even eat and drink at the same time.  What normal person cant do that?  How absurd that I cant even take a sip of water with my dinner!"

I really started to feel very sorry for myself.  My daughter said, "Dad, I thought you had the surgery so you could be normal like everyone else?"

I looked back at my water and said, "normal people can take a gulp of water while they are eating .. I cant even do that.  Normal people can eat more then 2 ribs and 4 spoons of beans."

A friend of mine said today, "You eat like a bird!"  I replied, "No, a bird eats more then I do."

I was having a total pity party for myself in Chili's watching everyone have such a great time with their food, friends, wives and drinks and I realized how much I missed that.  

As I finished up my 2 ribs, I tried to get my head back on straight.  I thought about the 2 lb loss that I saw on the scale this morning.  I thought about going clothes shopping at a normal store, I thought about going horseback riding or playing Racquetball one day again, I thought about sitting there with someone that I could love, a beautiful girl friend or wife again one day who will like who she sees in front of her.  Not the 390 lb fat guy that I used to be.

I still miss my food ... I always will I guess.  The mental part of this is so challenging trying to change what I've known for 43 years.  As I got up to leave, I walked past all the beautiful skinny people eating whatever they wanted and I was jealous but, I put it behind me as I walked out the door, not looking back and I was thankful for the decision I made for a better future.  That I can someday be normal like them.

It gets better. I don't usually think twice about it anymore. I still LOVE food, but I don't miss the quantity.

I usually share with my daughter or son or even my husband when we go out, but I've been known to order an appetizer (seared ahi FTW). At Chili's I usually get their SW Chicken Soup (OMG, amazing!). Or I split the margarita chicken with my daughter.

I see it this way... it's an adventure. We get to share something and talk about it and we'll talk about what we like and if this or that needs more lime and OMG did you try the veggies? They are perfect.

It is what YOU make of it. Can you share a meal? It makes it more fun, seriously. If not, enjoy whatever you order. You got your ribs. The mounds of foods are NOT normal. No one should be eating the serving sizes they serve in restaurants today. It's insane.

The hard part is the mental part, as you've already said. I work every day on that. I likely always will. I've felt sorry for myself, sure, but at the end of the day, there's a reason you're doing this and you ARE doing it. Keep up the good work.

 If it is any consolation, it DOES get easier!

I guess I don't understand why five ribs is better than two? Two runs is a more normal serving the other people are the ones who are off.

 This post was never about 5 ribs being better then 2.  It was about the challenges we face when dealing with our inner demons with food, it was about feeling sad that some folks can eat whatever they want, without counting calories or weighing anything, it was about being in a room of skinny people having fun drinking their cold beer and not having to worry about if they gained a pound or not in the morning, it was about people having a good time with their friends and wives while I sat there basically alone (since my teenage daughter had nothing to say), it was about thinking that I might never have a beer again (even if i rarely ever drank sometimes a beer with dinner was good), it was about me hating that fact that I have to sit there and stare at a glass of water, yet I cant drink any of it and finally, it was about the fact that in spite of feeling sad about how "abnormal" I was compared to everyone else in the restaurant, I was able to overcome it and leave there feeling good about my decision to have the surgery and live a healthier lifestyle.

I feel you and totally understand. 

 Me too... And for the record in my sick little mind five ribs IS WAY BETTER than two ribs!

 Don't look at this as normal versus abnormal. You have to put yourself in the shoes of those people you considered normal. Those skinny, beautiful people. For all you know, that's all they ate that day! No one can just sit there and eat eat eat and drink drink drink with no consequence. Maybe they really work out hard every day to be able to have those types of food without gaining weight. Everyone has a way that they deal with the things they consume. Your way is different, but not necessarily abnormal. I bet you'd feel remarkably normal if you had dinner with a group of super models. Talk about baby birds. 

Your thought process WILL change the longer you go down this road. There will be a time when you don't care that you only got to have 6 bites of those delicious pork chops, or one spoonful of pudding. Why? Because you feel full. People don't continue to eat when they're full, it makes them uncomfortable. You just happen to get full a lot faster than others. That's a BLESSING, believe me. You're able to enjoy food in very reasonable amounts. If anything, you should feel sympathy for those skinny, beautiful people. They have to work very hard to be able to eat those "bad" foods. You can enjoy the taste of yours and not worry about it effecting you.

I felt exactly like you in the beginning and blogged about it. I spent almost a whole day crying about how I did not feel normal. Well today I am doing well! I am enjoying food alot more. There are times that it crosses my mind that the option to eat large portions is gone and I get a bit sad, but the thoughts are fleeting. When I look at the portion sizes I eat now they really are reasonable and I am learning to accept that food is for nourishment. I can be happy with friends and family in a social setting without needing to stuff my face. I have realized that I allowed food to dictate whether I was happy or sad. It is so nice not to have that pressure anymore. Working through the mental part of this process is very challenging. I actually wish I had done at least 6 months of therapy before even having my surgery. Give yourself time...I think things will get better for you in regard to feeling normal sooner than later!

 I TRY TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE SOCIAL PART OF THE OUTING AND NOT THE QUANTITY EATEN.  AND ALSO THE ECONOMICS OF IT.  JUST THINK HOW MANY MEALS YOU CAN GET OUT OF A 'NORMAL' RESTAURANT MEAL.  
I LIKE TO GO OUT WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT.  I EAT AND ENJOY THE COMPANY WHILE THERE, THEN BRING HOME MY LEFTOVERS TO ENJOY FOR 2 OR 3 MORE MEALS.
DOESN'T FEEL ABNORMAL TO ME AT ALL.
I USED TO WONDER HOW SKINNY PEOPLE TOOK A COUPLE OF BITES OF THEIR FOOD, PUSHED IT AROUND ON THE PLATE, THEN TOOK IT HOME IN A DOGGY BAG.  NOW I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE AND IT FEELS PRETTY DARN GOOD!
IT WILL GET BETTER AS YOU ADJUST TO THE CHANGE, THEN IT WILL SEEM NORMAL TO YOU, TOO.