Keeping it private from certain jerks in your life.. Ex's! Advice?

I've been totally open about my surgery, except for to my ex-husband and his wife. They are very nice to my face, but are brutally critical of me behind my back to my girls. So, I've tried to stay private about surgery to them. All my ex got from me was hey, can you drop the girls off on Friday for me because I'm having surgery. He says oh, what kind of surgery? I said hernia repair.. not a lie. I just left out a few parts. So, my girls are old enough to be very aware of all of this, and know to respect my privacy, and they have. Except that my ex's wife brought up at the dinner table "So what were you and your Mom talking about on the phone?" She tells her all about how I'm drinking all liquids the day before my surgery, and her Step Mom does the *ding* and flat out says "Well, that sounds like bypass surgery, not hernia repair." So, now the ex picks the girls up tonight and starts drilling me about my procedure that I had, and what kind of incisions I had, and why I had to be in the hospital so long for hernia repair. Whaaa??? Can't I just be left alone? Any advice? Suggestions? My girls have learned their lesson about respecting my privacy, but I'm worried about him drilling them. And now my poor kids are in the middle. I never meant for them to be in the middle.. I just wanted them to respect my privacy. Ugg.

I would probably say "you lost your right to know anything about my private life or health the day we filed for divorce. You can think or assume whatever you want about me but you have no right grilling our children about my personal business."

I said something very similar to my ex but not about surgery. What it boils down to is that your privacy is yours. You're not married to him anymore doge needs to butt out!

Tell your kids to keep it private and to themselves....Tell the ex and his wife to **** off!

Hi:

I was faced with this with my STBX and his daughters from a previous marriage.   We finally went to his ex wife and said not to involve the children.   If she wanted to know something then she needs to come to us.   We only told the children things that we weren't concerned about her finding out about.   We made it a rule that she would never find out anything from the girls.   When I was pregnant we told her over the phone about 10 minutes after telling her daughters.     One of the things that I learned was to take the emotion out of things.  

My one question for you is why is is to important for them not to know about the surgery?   In a few months they would figure it out.   If you are up front about the surgery then it gives them less stuff to gossip about.

 I see your point .. if they are going to talk behind your back they are going to do it anyway.

Do not put your kids in a situation where they have to lie to keep your lie going.

My advice is to come clean and tell them what kind of surgery you had, otherwise, your kids are going to suffer from being in the middle of your mess.  They didn't choose it, but you did.

Haters are going to hate, so tell the truth and then tell them to **** off.  Who cares what your ex and his wife think about you anyway?

Your kids have to live with them and their lives will be miserable if they have to keep your lie alive.  No harm is going to come to you from the truth being told, but harm is going to come to your kids from the secret being kept.

I know that many people on these boards believe that it is your right to have privacy surrounding your surgery, but I vehemently disagree in this situation because it is bringing harm to your children and disrupting the trusting relationship that they have with both of their parents.  Do the right thing and get your kids out of the middle of this mess.

I will be honest with you, this really is not about you at all, this is about the girls.  By telling them something and then expecting them to keep your secret you have (unwittingly) put them in the middle of a no win situation.  What the ex and his wife think about is trivial, your children's mental health is all important.  I would call the ex-wife and say, to be clear, this is not your business and I am concerned that you felt the need to grill the girls, but since it seems to be so important for you to know.... and tell the truth.  Get the girls out of the middle.  You can also say, that you would really prefer to not discuss this anymore and ask them to not involve the children.  You have to be the adult here, the ex-wife is just curious and maybe spiteful, but it doesn't really matter.  The girls have to feel that their world is safe and they are not walking a tight rope.  I get that what I am saying is easier said than done, but I really think it needs to be done.  In the future, do everything you can to not tell the girls anything that you do not want them to tell your ex.  Keep them out of the middle.  Divorce is really hard but it is hardest on the kids.

I know this ain't Facebook but I "like" this!

I have to agree that just telling them will fix the whole thing. It was never my intention of putting my girls in the middle. This came after we had a huge issue regarding my privacy. My girls thought it was ok to talk about the lingerie in my dresser, and then it gets back to me that my ex is talking about what a bad example I set because I have lingerie hanging around the house. Oh lord.. REALLY? I have like 2 babydolls. Not like I have a drawer full of assless leather and whips. Jeeze.

So.. the girls and I had to have a serious heart to heart about MY personal and private business has NO business being shared and discussed at her fathers house. I said by all means talk about what we did during the week, but please respect my privacy.

So when surgery came up.. I put it in the same category as talking about my private things in my underware drawer. Its MY business. What I didn't plan on was for them to catch on and start grilling me. I fully expect them to try to start grilling the girls. So I will be confessing before that happens.

And yes I shouldn't care.. but its hard not to when you have people constantly degrading you to your children.

Really, I get it, and I understand that you are in a tough place.  The truth is that these people will unfortunately be some part of your life forever.  Even when the girls are all grown up, you will have to share holidays and grandchildren.  If there is anyway to find peace, try.  It is really, really hard to be a divorced parent and I can tell you are trying to do your very best.  Hugs