I ate 4 Dairy Queen Buster Bars in 5 days...

Hmmmm, let's see, this was...right at about three months. I was in the middle of a stall. I was frustrated and annoyed and downright "hangry" after my morning weigh-in. I opened the freezer to get some ice for my protein coffee and low and behold, my Type II diabetic mother had brought a box of BUSTER BARS into the home. 

So it began. 

I'd lost a lot of weight. I'd been doing good. I hadn't "cheated" since surgery. I was "rockin" my sleeve. I was stalled anyway. I deserved a treat. I would start over again tomorrow.

*Down the Hatch*

*Carb Spiral Initiated*

Five days later as I finished off the last of the box (my non-WLS mother had only had two - the rest were all me baby) I did so while trying to ignore the overwhelming feelings of panic, shame, fear, regret and helplessness. 

Clearly, "moderation" is not my strong suit. 

Now, this was a pretty radical example. I don't think anyone would try to justify or rationalize 4 DQ Buster Bars in 5 days. This was 100% pre-surgery disordered binge eating. I had fallen off the wagon and knew it.

But WHEN did I know it?

Herein lies the rub.

See, looking back now, it is clear to me that I was in trouble with the first bite. That FIRST unplanned "giving-in" to "a little something sweet".

It was a slippery slope that landed me right back in pre-op territory. I used to have major issues with binge/volume eating. Couldn't NOT finish food. I remember having to pour salt on cupcakes and smash them into the trash because I was too full to finish them (probably from the large pizza, bag of funyuns and 12 cans of Diet Coke that were also part of that night's binge) but couldn't go to bed knowing they were in the kitchen. Had to destroy them.

Knowing there was a whole BOX of Buster Bars in the freezer was like a moth to the flame. I wanted to look away, I knew I should look away - but I just couldn't.

Ugh. I hate typing all that out. I hate thinking about my pre-op days and how disgusting those habits were. I can't believe I'm sharing all this. I used to isolate myself so I could get away with binging like that...but I think it's important to get real here.

This is addiction and addiction is ugly.

Maybe some of you don't know what I'm talking about, but I think it's safe to assume that most of you do.


So what I'm getting at here is this: 

This whole "Candy War" thing needs to end. 

We can spin some of our struggles in humorous ways and it helps to be able to get together with other people who "get it" and be able to laugh at ourselves - but in all honesty, there's nothing funny about this.

I was 355 pounds and it was ruining my life. 

It was destroying my health, my looks, my personality, my spirit, my future.

It was utterly changing who I am.

I had surgery because I needed serious help and I come to OH every single day because I need serious support.


If I had decided to post my "Buster Bar Slip-Up" on OH that night, instead of just lurking as was my custom back then...maybe Rob would have "yelled" at me by asking me to examine what was happening emotionally that day that made me chose to go "off plan" and pushed me to come up with a plan to cope next time instead of cheating.

Maybe Elina would have taken the time to YET AGAIN explain how sugar affects the body and how one carb leads to cravings for more carbs.

Maybe Frisco would have chimed in reminding me of the dangers of "moderation" thinking in the weight loss phase.

Heck, I know they would have because I've seen them do it a zillion times with other newbies...

But the real question is, how many would have patted me on the back and helped me justify my "slip-up"? 

"One Buster Bar isn't going to hurt anything..."

Listen, have there been other indiscretions? A lindor chocolate bar here or some popcorn at the movies there? Yup. And I've still lost 106lbs in 5 months.

BUT when I chose those treats, it's never without the words of caution of the VSG Royalty of this board echoing through my mind. 

Have I planned this into my day?

Am I choosing this to cope with something?

If I did chose a treat, do I find myself then battling with "all-or-nothing" thinking for the rest of the day? Do I use it as an excuse not to drink all my water or take my walk or eat off-plan for the next meal...

The bottom line is this, we all have to find our own path through this addiction. We aren't like alcoholics or smokers who have the choice never to touch their substance ever again - we have to learn to "moderate" our drug of choice or die.

It ain't an easy thing to do. I personally try to stick to the 500-700 cals a day, 99oz water, 60+ grams of protein and less than 40 carbs a day plan...but I also have found, for myself, that it's best to acknowledge a craving, find an option you can live with to quash the craving, allow it and move on.

I probably have something sweet like candy or something like popcorn once every two weeks or so.

But I don't come on OH and broadcast that without sharing the full picture so all the newbies look at my ticker and think, "Oh wow - that girl eats DQ and is dropping weight like crazy! I can have whatever I want in moderation too! Yay!" 

I'd be really devastated if someone had a less than successful journey because I led them down the wrong path. 

Anyway. My two cents on the whole matter. (I know, who's asking right?) I'm just a newb finding my way and I am really grateful for all the help that I've found here. I just couldn't sit back and not say anything as those who have inspired me on my journey got steamrolled for calling out bull**** when they see it.

Wow...as I sat here reading your post I truly was reading about myself.  Thank you for your honesty, I too "hid" my addiction, lied to myself and others.   I am a bander going to convert to the sleeve on Sept 27Th.  Yes I have had medical reasons for the band not being a success but the eating and subsequent regaining of weight is all on me.  I am finding it very therapeutic to be "coming clean"  as it were.  I know full well that if I am going to be successful I need to be upfront and honest to deal with my addiction.  Thank you for leading the way.  Get back on track and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Denise

Congratulations on being able to see and understand your behavior and being able to get back on track. I think most everyone has had their issues post WLS, I know I certainly have. I can't have stuff like that in my house for the same reasons you explained. Hugs to you!

 That is sad for you and your mom both.  I hope that both of you can get back on track and move forward with healthy eating.  This is an example of an extreme, just as ultra low carb is an extreme.   Just want to clarify, when I talked about carbs on another thread I was referring to nutritious choices like beans, whole grains fruit and veggies.  

I'm in love with you. That is all.

 I loved your post. It helped me. Thank you for your total honesty.

I believe the latest steamrolling came as a result of my "oops" post about one serving of gummy bears. I, like a lot of others, got defensive when the so-called "royalty" got all into my sh*t and told me I'm going to relapse and regain. 

I, personally, would like to say two things -

1) I understand that many of the members of this board had their surgeries because of an addiction.

2) I am not one of them.

Yes, I enjoy food. I also miss food. My weight gain was from sports injury steroid use (Dr directed, by the way). I was the skinniest 300 pounder you'd ever seen. I'm also 6' 1" and a large-framed male. 

I entitled my post "oops" because it was a slip-up. It was off plan. It will definitely get me a ration of scolding when I turn in my food diary to my nutritionist. However, I have been pretty close to 100% since.

I wasn't posting to tell people it's OK to eat candy just because it fits. I posted for the same reason you did, to share an experience and to get support from a place where people understand the thoughts and feeling going through my head.

I welcome comments. I welcome ideas. I am open to constructive criticism. I will not, however, accept judgment. I also know that I haven't thrown my life away by ingesting 140 empty calories. If you ever look at the ingredients of a store-bought, rtd protein shake, you'd probably have a glass of skim milk and a handful of gummy bears and be better off. 

I completely agree that there is an addiction that faces all of us. Your point that we have to control and moderate the intake of the very drug that made us obese rather than walk away like an alcoholic or addict is exceptionally well made. Your entire post was thoughtful and soulful. I thank you and appreciate you for sharing your personal experience. I have to ask, however, please understand, that's all I was doing too. Sharing a personal experience.

I made a judgment call, and for better or worse, I ate something I shouldn't. I also owned that decision and moved on. I AM able to stop at a handful. I CAN control my intake and my willpower. I DO KNOW when to stop.

I'm a newbie to surgery too. I'm less than a month out. The only thing I know is that I really don't know much about what's going on or how my body and my life are going to change. I'm not a newbie to weight loss, dieting, excercise or life though.

I can block someone who yells at me but, of course, I didn't do that. I read the posts and took each one to heart. I know that the posts that were "scoldings" were written out of experience and, I hope, care and consideration. I believe they were made to help keep a newbie on track. The tone, though, was a little bit more than I cared for. I'm sure it's because I'm new to the forum and the lifestyle and they just don't know me yet. Maybe they'll just block me? I don't really care either way. You see, I come to this forum to learn about other peoples' experiences. I want to know that everyone is doing, eating, not eating, learning. I want to share in their successes and, at the same time, share the burdens of their failures. I'm the guy who picks people up. It's just who I am.

I will continue to post when something special - good or "bad" - happens because of, or concerning, my surgery, recovery and lifestlye. I will continue to enthusiasticaly read as many posts as I can, and I will comment when something touches me, makes me laugh, makes me sad or makes me angry. I doubt if you'll find me in the "Royal Court" though. I won't get accepted in that club.

I truly and honestly wish you, and everyone here, the best luck and the best life you can have. I pray that you don't look back at sad times and have regrets, but only ahead to the wonderous world of fitness, health and social acceptance. If you need a lift, a laugh or a shoulder to cry on, I'll be by the bike rack with the other reformed smokers, throwing a frisbee and maybe even sneaking an occasional gummy bear. 

Jason

Only rainbows and sunshine here.

Question: How should we take you changing your avatar to gummy bears? Seems like a slap in the face to the people that tried to help you, but like you said, you are only supportive.

Just wondering.

You said rainbows, you know what that means -

  Unicorn farts make rainbows. How come no one told me?