Damn, damn and double damn....I am not ok and I need to face it....*long*

Hi girl,

well I can relate to some of the things you mentioned, but let me tell you..........you are doing the right things. Going to therapy, facing your demons and not giving up. 

It is "one day at a time", one step at a time. 

I know it is easy to slide from one addiction in to another and you have to watch yourself all the time. Remember, we all stuffed our bodies with food for some sort of reason and there are plenty, whatever they may be.

You sound smart and intelligent and I am sure you have some very good things going for you, but most of all you are STRONG and you know how to survive. 

You will get through this. Take your time, don't push yourself, if you stumble you get up, dust yourself off and continue on your journey. 

I am with you in my thoughts and in prayer. All the best to you Sweetie.

Lots of hugs,

Rita

Thank you Rita. I have been watching myself slip slowly into a pattern of drinking my feelings and pushing people away from me, because I feel so confused and angry, so I am watching that super closely. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it means so much to me.

I feel for you. My childhood too had its horrors. I've thought about writing a book about it before, but came to the conclusion that it's so awful that it seems almost outlandish. Living through something like that is horrendous. Believe me, I know. I'll share with you how I deal.

To begin, I refuse to let my experiences define me. I did not choose that life to begin with and I will not let it define my adulthood.

Secondly, I break the cycle. I am a mother too, first pregnant at age 16. I wanted something to love me. I wanted to be worth something. When I feel that despair start to creep into my days, a trickle at first and then an overwhelming drowning, I pick myself up by my bootstraps. Why? Not for me. For my children. I love myself for THEM. I had parents who put their needs and desires first. I will not do that to the lives I chose to bring into this world. You can overcome this. You WILL overcome this. You ARE a good person. 

And of course this is a personal decision, but I chose to forgive my parents/step-parents (with the exception of a particularly abusive ex-step-parent) and have forged relationships with them the best I could as an adult. My anger, resentment and sadness directed towards them never bothered them a lick, but it tortured the hell out of me. It wasn't easy, but it lifted a big weight off my shoulders. I wish you the best of luck. 

*HUGS* right back at you, thank you so much for taking the time to post to me. In the last couple of years I have finally come to grips with the idea that what happened to me was not a reflection of *ME* and that really helped me to move out of letting it define me as a person.

And I keep telling myself that I have forgiven my father, but I am just not sure I can do it. I resent the hell out of him when I see the father he has become to my half brother and sister (always there, coaches teams etc), and then when I see him with my kids and how much they love him, I just want to tell them what a horrible person he was once and make them hate him (I NEVER in a million years would do that, but man sometimes I can't believe how strong the urge is!).

I have worked though this in a million ways on a thousand different days in my life, I know I will get though this, I think its just the whole new "image" of myself and the fact that being thin kind of brings out a very vulnerable side for me and leaves me open to all these feelings that literally just show up out of nowhere!

Courtney,

I am so sorry. I get it. I haven't been in your shoes, but I do know what it is like to have the feelings of inadequacy, lack of self worth, being embarrassed about who I am. I have hidden behind my fat and know what you mean by having missed things in your youth. I walked in shadows so that people would not know who I was on the inside. Who I was made me fear for my safety, so I get it.

I have some of the same feelings you have about wanting to experience things as a thin person I never got to experience as a thin young person. I missed out on some things - and things that should I pursue would be devastating to my current life. So I don't. I look for more positive ways to experience similar things in my life today that are better, safer ways. Hope that makes sense.

You are not alone. So many of us here care about you and want to help. Hope you can feel the love and warmth coming to surround and protect you during this time of crisis. You will get through this. You will.

Hugs

It does make sense, and I am sorry that you had to ever feel that way, you are such an awesome person (but it's kind of nice, in a twisted way, to know I am in good company). It has honestly helped me just reading the responses from all these amazing people *****ally do understand.

I think part of my problem too is that my insomnia is on the upswing and I have not slept more then like three hours a night in almost two weeks, so I am physically exhausted and emotionally just done up. My night time panic attacks have been off.the.hook, and I am thinking about breaking down and going back to the xanex for a bit, I tend to take a more holistic approach now but when it gets to a point where you are thinking a shot of tequila might be the way to go, its time to reevaluate that. 

Courtney, I wrote you a long reply that disappeared into cyber space.  Probably a good thing!

You don't feel *okay* but you *are* okay.  You are bigger than your feelings.  They can wash over us like a tsunami, but they will recede as well. 

Please be compassionate with yourself.  You will figure things out.  I want to give you a big hug, and I'll be thinking about you today...

Thank you so much, I felt the love yesterday and you would not believe the difference it made, honestly just reading all these posts made all the difference in the world to me.

{{Hugs}} I'm so sorry all this stuff has reared its head again.

You've come through a harrowing route to become a truly awesome woman and Mom. You are worth all the care you need to take of yourself.

There is, I think, a whole new healing phase whenever we go through life changes. I see this in my daughter, who has PTSD from the trauma of her childhood before I adopted her at 9 1/2. As she hits various changes in her life, crap we had worked through once comes back again with a vengeance. Loss, shame, anger at the birth Mom for not protecting her from the stepdad, and so much other stuff.

So much of your life and self image has changed, and with the regrets for the things you didn't/couldn't do when you were younger come the regrets for the childhood you didn't live. I know you've done therapy to death, but in this transition you may need to visit it again.

I hate that you're hurting. I know that you're one tough chick, and that you'll work this through. Just wish you didn't have to.

Thank you so  much for sharing about your daughter, I too have been diagnosed with PTSD (night terrors, waking nightmares, flashbacks, all that lovely stuff) and just recently my night terrors and anxiety have been though the roof, which just adds to the overall exhaustion I am feeling, which then leads me to neglect myself (no exercise) and the cycle just gets worse.

I was honestly shocked by the anger that has come to the surface over the last few weeks, at everyone and everything, and it wasn't until I really sat back and looked at it that I realized what the tapes in my head where playing, the old messages that where slipping around the new walls I had built. I am thinking therapy is a must at this point.