Damn, damn and double damn....I am not ok and I need to face it....*long*

Oh girlfriend, thank you so much for coming out of the woodwork for me, I have been missing you like crazy! I got the links and can't thank you enough, spent a large chunk of today reading and taking it in and figuring out ways to apply it. I met an amazing lady in Atlanta, she runs Think Thin Within, and she has been such an inspiration to me and she really hits you where it hurts about the negative self talk, which can be so hard to let go, but such a necessity.

*neck hugging* right back at you! Your help at the start of my journey is what got me on the right track, and still helps me to stay there today! You are the BEST.

My heart breaks for the little girl you were but I am amazed by the things you have done as a grown up.

I can't relate to the awful childhood.  I had an awesome childhood and was raised to believe that my whole life would be one whole unicorn-farting-rainbows existence.  It wasn't.  Long story short....I lived through abuse and nearly was killed by someone that was supposed to love me.  I and my kids survived but we all have the scars. 

All that said, I think you need to ease up on yourself for the forgiveness of your father.  Let me share something that was an epiphany for me......IT IS MY BELIEF THAT NOT FORGIVING IS SOMETIMES THE BEST THING FOR US.  We beat ourselves up because we can't forgive and forget.  $@%& that noise!!!  You DESERVE to feel resentful, angry, hurt, etc. towards your father for what he did.  He may have moved on and has redeemed himself through his other children but if he didn't apologize to you and try to do right by you, then that is unresolved.  Just because he forgave himself and moved on doesn't mean you are obligated to do the same.  Realize that you may NEVER forgive him and that's no reflection on you.  For some of us, all that is humanly possible is to be polite and not burden those around us with pain/damage that has been inflicted on us.  When your kids are adults, if they want to know and you feel they can handle it, you can share some or all of why you feel as you do about your father.  If not, then no need to open those wounds.  Sharing the poison of his earlier behavior will not unburden you. 

Just because we don't forgive doesn't mean we are allowed to act out on it or retaliate.  Vengeance will not ease your pain.  You didn't have a choice in how you were treated but you do have a choice in how you treat others and yourself.  Take solace in the fact that you are not letting the cycle of neglect and abuse perpetuate into the next generation.  You have risen above that.

I think the earlier analogy about an onion is a good one.  The only thing I would add to that is that when we peel off a layer, it leaves an open, weeping, raw wound that we have to allow to heal before we can pull off another layer.  Sometimes, once it is healed, we may leave that layer for a long. long time. Your "layers" have festered lately and need attention.  Go get it.  We, your OH family have your back.

Well, I can always count on you to keep it REAL. THANK YOU.

I have tried so hard to see his redeeming qualities and to really forgive him with my whole heart, and I just can't do it, just can't get both feet off the ground on that one. I have found ways to limit his access to my heart and emotions, and it has helped but damn its just so hard to smile though it when I just want to spill my guts and tell him how much hurt I still feel over what he did. But really, I know it does no good, he just does not understand how deep my feelings run and he never will because he just isn't the kind of person who can take that into himself and admit that he made a bad choice that has ****** me up for life.

Thank you for always having my back, my internet "family" rocks my world and really makes me feel like I can do anything.

Like my ex, he's probably in very deep denial.  He probably can't face the responsibility of what he did (and didn't do) to/for you because if he did, his pretty world might crash down upon him and the guilt might be crushing.  For some people, the reality of what they have done is beyond facing so they just pretend that it didn't happen or "wasn't so bad".  And they make YOU feel like the idiot/crazy lady/meanie/why-won't-you-let-this-go drama queen because you want that closure and healing.  DON'T. LET. HIM. DO. THAT.

I am not defending him but if he was stoned a lot too, his memories and perceptions are probably very skewed about that time of his life.  I don't know your situation but talk to the therapist about confronting him with your feelings.  That's waaaaayyyy above my pay grade and experience........

Just embrace yourself in all your flawed humanity and respect the fact that you are NOT a saint.  No one expects you to be.  He's the loser.  Not you.  Acceptance and Forgiveness are two different things.  Accept that he's a slime ball but don't forgive him for it.  Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  Maybe when you let go of trying to forgive him, you can let some of it go.  It helped me.  I don't hate any more.  I'm not angry any more.  He doesn't steal happiness from me any more.  Did I forgive him?  No.  But it doesn't eat me up any longer. 

Something else I did (and I'm not recommending it cause a therapist once told me it was "unbalanced" but it helped me heal) was that I kind of divided out my life to "before", "during" and "after".  I convinced myself that the Me that I was "during" was now dead.  I mourned her.  I realized, that although I had been a victim, in my case the "before" Me had contributed to the problem.  I chose him.  I couldn't fix the "before" me......I had outgrown her.  Therefore, the only "living' thing I had left was the a"after" Me.  The before/during/after had all made me a part of who I was but the victim part was dead.  The "after" me was the one that was going to live, be happy, raise my kids and go forward.  Maybe I have a fragmented personality but I have healed and have a great life now.  He doesn't haunt me and make me wake up in the night suffocating anymore.  I also quit sleeping with a gun beside my bed long before I met my current husband.  :  )