Zoloft!!! What being over a year out means to me

I've been having a rough time recently.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my personal and professional life.  Most of the personal stuff has been there for ages, but it's now infinitely more apparent than it has been without the wall of fat between me and the issues.  It's easy for me to let my weight control my life, it's easy for me to act like everything that isn't fabulous in my life is because of my weight, and it's easy for me to let certain behaviors slide because I feel fat which makes me feel like I deserve it.  It's extremely easy for me to act like there are no issues other than being fat.  I'm not sure why that is.  I guess it's easier to blame the fat, than to really get at the core of the problem or to deal at all. 

Fortunately and unfortunately, I'm thin now.  I've worked really hard to lose the weight.  I had laser focus on losing the weight.  I knew I could do it, and I did it.  The past four-ish months that I've been maintaining (intentionally) have brought up a whole host of **** that I wasn't prepared for.  I knew maintenance was going to be difficult, which is the primary reason I still haven't called goal yet.  I did not know that it was going to be hard in so many emotional ways.  I have found myself angry, so incredibly angry, and I'm not sure why I am so angry.  Of course, I can pinpoint a lot of things to be angry about, but they don't add up to this red haze I've been walking around in.  On top of the anger, my anxiety is at an all time high.  Nothing in my life is really causing this, while everything in my life is causing it.  It's genetic, it's something I've struggled with in the past, but the crushing amount of anxiety, the lack of sleep, the wanting to pu**** down with food isn't normal for me and it doesn't really make sense even with the stress that is going on personally and professionally. 

I have made bad food choices, my anxiety was so great the last week that none of my normal coping mechanisms were making even a slight dent in it, and I medicated with food.  The difference now than before is instead of just letting it happen, instead of just accepting defeat, claiming exhaustion, faulty biochemistry, whatever, I made an appointment to see my doc.  I was honest about how hard it has been, which is not easy for me.  I'm a "push everything under the rug and keep on keeping on person" because what the **** else am I going to do?  I have responsibilities and those responsibilities just don't go away because I'm having a rough time.  But I refuse to medicate with food.  I will NOT undo all my hard work.  I will not let myself just accept being miserable and anxious because that is not who I am.

So, I'm finally allowing myself to be medicated.  I can't do this on my own.  I am failing on my own.  I'm also the first person to tell people that if meds can help, then they should try them.  It doesn't mean you're weak or anything else, and I do truly believe that.  BUT it's incredibly hard for me to say that to myself.  I don't feel like I deserve medication because my life is so great, I'm so lucky.  When my doc handed me a prescription then hugged me because she "just really wanted to give me a hug" I felt instantaneous relief, and I started crying as soon as she left the room.  I don't know if this is THE med for me, I don't know if I'm going to get any relief, but I'm hopeful because I'm doing instead of sitting on the sidelines.  I'm going to be kind to myself, I'm going to practice what I preach, I'm not going to judge myself because it is OK that I feel the way I feel even though I am lucky, my life is pretty fantastic, and I'm thin.  I can be all of those things and still be depressed, still have crushing, overwhelming anxiety.  So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm still me.  A better dressed version of me, but I'm still me and it's about ******g time I started coping with that instead of blaming the fat.

P.S. I've seen many posts about how we only talk about the good things, the SVs and the NSVs, but we rarely talk about the struggles.  I want to be honest, and I hope someone can find some comfort in this.

We are so sorry to hear all you have been going through. Thank you for sharing such a personal message 

Regards,

Member Services Team

Group hug, all members.  It is symbolic by heartfelt.  Prayers your way also.  Hang tough, Raven.  Life is hard, but we can take it in small increments and succeed at it.

That's true.  Taking it small increments.  I'm hoping to get back to that.  Thanks :)

Raven,

I'm so proud of you for sharing your struggles. I have suffered from clinical depression for years and it's not easy to talk about - kind of like some of us choosing not to share our WLS. It's okay to talk about our appendix, our diabetes, even cancer, but if someone brings up mental health we just don't discuss it. That's wrong, in my opinion.

You've taken steps to address your physical health, and now you're going to work on your mental health as well. You are not weak. You are STRONG! You deserve excellent care. You deserve peace in your life. Find someone to talk to - counseling is huge help along with the meds. You will do great. 

I will be your cheerleader, if you'll be mine.

Brenda

Thank you!  Of course I'll be your cheerleader.  I've been dealing with depression my whole life.  I kind of laughed when the doc said I appeared to be suffering from some mild depression and pretty severe anxiety.  I told her mild depression is just my normal, and I'm not concerned about that :)  How ****** up is that?  Good grief.  We do need to talk about it, address it, make it socially acceptable.  I've had lots of counseling, and I will find a new therapist in the not too distant future.  I need to find someone local.

I messaged you on MFP :) Hugs

You sound like me a couple of months ago ;)  I'm glad you've made the call and are making changes to your mental well being.  You got the physical stuff down but the mental stuff is a challenge.  I've been seeing a therapist for a while for anxiety and while she suggested medication, I'm still trying to just do it with therapy  for now.  I'm proud of you and happy for you and soon you will start to feel better.  You got this!  *hugs*

Thanks, hon :)  I went in specifically for medication.  I've done talk therapy, I've even done herbs, acupuncture, mediation, yoga all in an effort to not be medicated.  I think I was just ready for it.  I really hope it helps.  The mental stuff is the pits.

That's good, I'm glad you went in and got what you wanted!  Sometimes these docs are so annoying lol.  I hope it helps, keep us updated!