How do you get family to understand what you're going through???

Long story short (OK.. not SO short)...
Got in a huge fight with my parents tonight... which lead to a slight emotional breakdown for me. I live with my family (moved home a few years ago.. can't quite afford my own place right now). I've been slowly but surely working on starting to eat healthier. I've been buying groceries specifically with the intent to plan ahead (a huge thing I need to work on) and healthier items, whole wheat bagels, reduced sugar peanut butter. low fat biscuits..etc. I have come home 3 times in the past two weeks to things completely gone. I asked my parents to understand that I'm trying to eat healthier and it blew up into me being "selfish" and my mom proceeded to bring up tons of instances where I haven't done things as she wanted... I've eaten her food for years... etc. How can I get them to understand that it's not about the freakin bagels! I could care less about the actual items...it's the bigger picture. If I can't get them to understand that I need help with this now... how on earth am I ever going to have a positive outcome down the road? I have an addiction... I've chosen this surgery to save my life. I just want some compassion and understanding. It'd be great if they wanted to change their eating habits & changed what food they brought into the house... but I'm not asking them to make that sacrifice. I just want them to understand what I'm' going through.

How have your families dealt with your change in lifestyle? Do you have any advice? 

Thanks for listening to my long-winded story!

Well, I don't live with my family.  I mean, I live with my partner and my  nephew, but not my parents or my partner's parents or anything.

My partner has been very supportive of the changes I've made but is not interested in changing his eating habits.  Which is fine with me.  He did not have surgery, I did.  I do a lot of the cooking and I make healthy things and he eats them.  So does my nephew.  When it's their turn to cook, they make whatever they want and if it's not appropriate for me, I fix myself something else.  Which is what they can do if they don't like what I'm making when it's my turn to cook.

My nephew has not lived with me long and it took him a little time to get used to the fact that I don't eat meat and can't eat much sugar.  But now, when it's his turn to cook, he suggests we buy soy crumbles when he wants to make meatloaf instead of ground beef so I can eat it too.

I don't have much trouble with people eating my food.  They don't like most of it.  Like, I love Greek yogurt but neither of them do.  Although my nephew will eat the no sugar added cherry pie filling I put on top of the yogurt.  Like, right out of the can.

My mother is usually pretty sensitive to what I can and can't eat.  My partner's parents, not so much.  His mom is always trying to feed me stuff with sugar.  When we go to their house, I often take something for me to eat.

If you  must live with your parents, can you keep some of your food items in your room?  At least stuff that does not need refrigerated?

Kelly

 I live with my boyfriend and son and tonight they ate pizza! Gosh, was that hard...I also started buying different stuff months ago and have my own side of the cabinet in the kitchen! They are totally supportive, but my mom likes to be Ms. Negative when she comes over with food and say things like, "oh you can't have this..." I had to put her in check and say "There is alot I will be able to have!" I chose this surgery to save my life as well, and your family needs to understand that it's your time, and sorry if it seems selfish, but that's the way it goes. I have found that support groups are great because everyone there knows what's up! My loved ones are still confused, and I have been going through all this since June. I feel totally alone sometimes. This surgery is more of an emotional one for me I have come to see. I am a total food addict. If you have to hide your food in your car or bedroom closet that will suck, but do what is necessary! They should come around sooner or later!

"How have your families dealt with your change in lifestyle? Do you have any advice?"

My lifestyle hasn't changed in any way that affects my family. I eat the same foods I did pre-op---basically the same foods they eat---just in smaller quantities. There are some things they eat that I choose not to, but there isn't anything that I buy especially for me. I don't 'do' low- or no-fat foods, reduced sugar peanut butter, things sweetened with sugar alcohols, etc.---no 'diet' foods for me.

My advice? Consult with a surgeon who does the DS. The DS has the very best long-term, maintained weight loss, ESPECIALLY for those of us with a starting BMI greater than 50. It's also the very best at resolving or preventing co-morbs like diabetes and high cholesterol, along with the most liberal post-op eating plan. (Like I said, no low-fat, artificially-sweetened foods at my house!)

As for compassion and understanding---I'm sure they do feel compassion, but they don't know how to express it, because they simply CANNOT understand what it's like to be SSMO. No one can, without having been there.

Agreed, I have a family situation similar to the OP right now, and I thought while reading this that I'm glad I'll be able to eat mostly the same food as I want and as the family wants, so there's less drama.

Because if you are in a house where they have always made spaghetti on thursdays the same way for 30 years, and they always made lasagna on mondays the same for 20 years, there is no amount of whole bagels in the world that is gonna make them switch, probably.

They will see this as a personal attack, like their food made you fat... as in, they made you fat. They may also see this as a call for them to change how they eat, and they will become anti-WLS and bitter at best, and not supportive at worst. 

I've dealt with this before when dieting, and I'll tell you that the diets I stayed on the longest were the ones where I ate mostly the same as the family.

Difference is that WLS is not a diet, so when you formally wanted to jump off the diet and sail back into your regular way of eating, you'll now just get depressed, maybe eat around your RNY, regain weight, get even more depressed. And your family will be right there to say "Told you so."

If your WLS is more like your family (and your own) regular way of eating, the urge to jump off the diet when things get tough may not be there because you're not eating as much like a diet.

Look into the DS, it has better long term success for us folks with high BMI's, and it lets you eat a lot more of a familiar food plan.

U know as much as some family may want to.......I don't think they can truly understand what it is like for us!

However, as far as the food issue, maybe if u made up a menu for the wk. listing all your meals n snacks and put it on the refrigerator they would kind of get the hint and b reminded that u have this food planned for this day and that food planned for that snack.....etc.

Also maybe post a pic of u b4 u lost weight beside the menu. Let them see how u are progressing and that may reinforce why u need the meals planned out to b successful?

Good luck!!!

I can't tell, from this post, if you've had surgery or not. In any case, none of the foods you listed are foods you should be eating to prepare or sustain a weight loss. They are foods that you should be avoiding as part of you new life style. Even the low sugar PB is a weak choice at best. Actually, I think in  a strange way, your family did you a favor.

So here are my food rules: For every 100 calories, a food item should contain no more than 3 gms of fat, and have less than 25 gms of carbs. Limit Carbs to 60 gms a day.  Follow that rule, and trust me, no one will be interested in your food.
You would be better off with items, such as tuna fish, hard boiled eggs, Greek yogurt, protein drinks and cottage cheese. I find that my family is just not interested in those items. Low fat biscuits??? Give em up honey..that's part of your life style change. Doesn't this sound like boring choices? That's okay, regardless of what surgery you have, the change will make it much easier to make the right choices.

As far as living with your parents. You can try buying a small dorm size frig and putting that in your room. I think that as long as you are living in their home, that you've kind of agreed to the rules of the house.

You know....you've kind of effected the dynamics of their home too. They may be feeling a lot of stress with your return. Try and be compassionate. It's a situation that no one probably wants.

 Sometimes you cant!.  

I didn't even tell my immediate family for 6 months. I had already lost 100 pounds. I know my family and I did not want to put myself through the drama.


Sometimes your OH family is more supportive than your birth family. That's what we're here for. 

I am a sometimes empy nester so I can undertsand your parents position.  My kids have moved back home for varying lengths of time....it is not easy, nor is it cheap!   It is hard on your parents to have grown kids living in their home.  Their privacy is gone, it can be disrputive and it costs more of their money to maintain the household when you are living there.   Anything in the kitchen that they have purchased is probably fair game for you...they don't see why you are not sharing your items and can't undertsand your anger since they share freely and let you live in their home.  If there are food items you don't want them to have access to, store them in your room.  Purchase a small apartment size fridge if you need to.   Seems like a pretty simple solution. and a way to respect the fact that you are guest in their home.

 What if you bought foods you know they don't like?  I used to do that with a roommate I had who would eat my food.  I figured out what she didn't like, then just bought those foods.  I would also refill the containers with other food - she poked around for the first 2 weeks and never figured out that later on I filled the cheapo margarine tub with imported butter.....