My distant friend

Ok, same old story.... I have a friend. 20 yrs now.  As soon as I told her I was having WLS she began to tell me that I wass'nt big and I look so good in my clothes and I am not frumpy and I just need to lose a few pounds.  So I decided I would not use her for support throught the whole process.  When I got my date for surgery it was going to be in 8 days.  I did not hear from her for a week.  Then she sends me a text and asks when i was being admitted.  I ignored the text.  I know, wrong of me.  She sent me the text again the next day and I told her I was going in tomorrow which was last Wed.  She said she would come by the hospital on Thurs.  No show.  She texted me to say she was so tired and she fell asleep and her Grad program is so rigorous. Blah, blah, blah!!!  I am like whatever.  SO today she asks me for my address, I asked if she was coming to visit as I just recently moved and she has only been here once.  She had the audacity to ask me if it would be ok if her FRIEND brought her.  She was too tired to drive the one hr drive.  Why do I want a stranger at my home when I am not feeling myself?  I mean really, I am feeling some kind of way about this.  I am really hoping she is not mad because I will not be the fat friend anymore.  Any thoughts?
 

not enough room inside her head for the both of you....  i wouldn't try to guess why she is doing what she is doing....  just welcome the visit as if nothing is wrong (her fatigue from her grad program may be very legitimate) and who knows, maybe her friend needs some help in that area and needs to see what you're doing....  be a good example for her....

the high ground is always the better route in my opinion......



jeris

Just to reply and comment, she wanted a male friend to bring her.  I thought that was rather insensitive of her to ask...

insensitive - definitely....  but her friend is likely to be the one who is uncomfortable....  when i was in the hospital two weeks ago, my bestest friend came to visit, but she brought her male friend (who also happens to be the college student body president i had met on several occasions....  he was soooo uncomfortable being in that room that when the nurse came in for something, he took the opportunity to vanish....  my friend couldn't even find him when she got ready to leave....

that would make it his problem, not mine!    same story with you...  treat it like a no biggy, and let the awkwardness fall on them....  could be entertaining!


jeris

I found out that I was the fat friend with one of my friends.  I didn't know until I started checking into WLS that I was that person for her.  Oh well.  I don't miss her much.

Here are a couple of things to consider.  One, you've had this friend for 20 years and that is a long time.  Two, something about WLS releases hormones into your system and you may be on an emotonal roller coaster, which will pass in time.  Give yourself some time before you totally cut this person out of your life.  But, I don't blame you at all for putting up a boundary saying no to a new person to come visit you.

I had my surgery in June.  I'm losing weight, of course.  But, I'm gaining a new sense of my own value and I don't suffer fools anymore.  It's very empowering and I hope you experience the same thing.  Sounds like you already are.  Blessings.

"like"

"...I don't suffer fools anymore...."

LOVE IT!

Just say that you are not up to company at this time.  See how the relationship goes.  It looks like she may be trying to make up for her past behavior (but maybe not). 

I'm not sure if there really is a problem here.  It sounds like you might be making some assumptions, and more often than not the assumptions we make about another person's motives are off.

She has been your friend for 20 years, so think about cutting her some slack over possibly being nothing more than tired and maybe somewhat insensitive as a result.

None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes, so be a good friend and overlook this, unless it continues of course... 

I've got to agree with Deb here......she expressed something quite normal when she heard about your surgery so you decided not to include her in your process....she reached out to support you and you failed to respond but then did and then she didn't come through.  Lots of dancing here......and you're adding steps of your own.    Stop assuming she's unsupportive of your efforts.  She may not be doing things the way you think they should be done - but instead of expecting her to read your mind....say so...."I'd rather not have a visitor I don't know while I"m at this early stage of recuperating.".....Be direct about both your needs and expectations and see how she responds.  You have 20 years of history.   Susan