Going out tonight, husbands mad

My reading comprehension is pretty good, unlike yours. (My name is "Nicolle.") I did as you asked and re-read both of our posts, your original one and mine. I STILL think you should get your head out of your ass and listen to what your husband is saying to you, in words and deed.

If going to a bar is more important to you than your husband's feelings, then by all means, go out to that bar. If it's REALLY about girl time with your friends, you could go elsewhere that does not upset your husband. I am SURE there must be someplace that this selfish, angry ******* of a husband would accept as a "safe" place to meet with your friends. GOT IT?

Nicolle 

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FFS people it's not like she said she was going to a swingers bar or a male strip club. A bar, most of which are pretty boring, to have drinks and chat with her girlfriends. Perfectly normal and as a married lady I can attest that MANY married ladies do this. ALL THE TIME. It does not typically result in rampant orgies... it results in girl talk without men present. And if a man looks at her... should we flog her? Cover her? What? FFS? This is 2011, people.

OP I'm sorry, I feel your pain but am no help at all. I never could have married someone so insecure and would have no clue how to handle it. I hope you figure out a way to reassure him and have some fun too!

Perhaps more experience here will give you more insight.

A fairly recent attention ***** of the "Ooo!  Look at me, I'm now too cute for THIS man" variety STARTED by going out with friends.  Just friends.  Not dating.  Putting kids and hubby to bed and then going out whoring around...I mean...clubbing...until the wee small hours.  Nothing wrong, you see.  She just liked to visit and maybe dance a little and hubby was a homebody.

A few months later--maybe a year, I don't recall because I stoppd even reading her bull****it seems he wanted a divorce.  It may or may not have had anything to do with the STD she had. 

She turned into a pathetic human attention sponge...and ruined a marriage and uprooted kids to get the attention she craved...and all she "wanted was to go out with friends."

And she wasn't the first and won't be the last...she was just the most flagrant recent version.

So because the one person on OH is  an idiot, no women should go to bars after WLS? Ever?

Yes, some people get excited by the weight loss and become promiscuous and destroy their marriages. But you don't actually have to go to a bar to do that.

I know plenty of women that go out with their girlfriends once a month and yes they sometimes go dancing at bars and they are all happily married and have been married for a long time. And I know a few people who cheated on their spouses or SOs and most of them never went to a bar at any point along their "slippery slope."

I go to a bar every month myself. It's for my triathlon club's monthly Happy Hour. As the Social Director, I don't just go. I plan them out and am the first one there and last to leave. And, yes, I talk to SINGLE MEN when I am in there. (Horrors!) And married men. And women, single and married. It would be kind of hard to be running these events without talking to people. 

The issue isn't the bar in any of these cases. The issue is the relationship. 

The OP made it clear in her very first post that her dh was insecure and always has been. Therefore it has nothing to do with her behavior since losing weight as he was insecure before she lost weight. This is a failing of his that he needs to work on if the relationship is to survive. It's not going to be solved by her never going anywhere.

And speaking of a slippery slope, it's definitely a slippery slope when you start to humor someone who is insecure instead of insisting they get the help they need to deal with their problem. This slope can lead to emotional and sometimes even physical abuse as the person being manipulated makse their world smaller and smaller trying to appease insecurities that will never be appeased because they are not based on anything rational.

To the OP, my advice is to talk to your dh (at some later point when you aren't wanting to go out so it's a neutral time) and layout some ground rules of what is and isn't acceptable on both your parts. If he is willing to be reasonsable as  long as you follow those ground rules, then that may be fine for your relationship and no further work is needed. OTOH, if he can't be reasonable no matter what, then he needs counseling and there really isn't anything you can do if he isn't willing to get it.

The OP made it clear in her very first post that her dh was insecure and always has been. 

actually - the OP's first post states her husband was mad.   it was only after many posts to her thread that she came back & shared about his insecurity.   that does clear up a lot, for me at least VS him being mad at her enjoying a night w/friends.

I totally agree!! If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Period. They really do not even need to leave their house. Most people in our community seem to cheat in their own houses (and do end up getting caught eventually).

Laura

No, on a couple of counts.  First because it isn't ONE person.  And I've gone out, like I've said, to freakin' biker bars without my husband post-op. 

The problem is that she's going out when her husband is unhappy about her going out. 

THAT'S the problem.  And no matter how long it has been going on and no matter how innocent she is in reality, her going out at this point and essentially poo-pooing his discomfort is a BOLD statement on how little she cares about his feelings.

WHY he feels that way needs to be worked on...THEY need to work that out.  If they don't, it's not really much of a relationship.

"THAT'S the problem.  And no matter how long it has been going on and no matter how innocent she is in reality, her going out at this point and essentially poo-pooing his discomfort is a BOLD statement on how little she cares about his feelings."

Or maybe this is their way of dealing with his insecurities. It's not my way but I've given up trying to make sense of other people's marriages.

Plus, I didn't see a lot of pooh-poohing. The first post just said she was going out and she wished she could do that without her husband getting mad. There isn't enough detail in that to know what kind of conversations they've had, what agreements they have in place, and what kind of dynamic.

Based on subsquent posts, it sounds like she goes out once in a blue moon, he fusses beforehand, but is ultimate okay with it and she just wishes they could cut to the "he's okay with it" without all the fussing beforehand.

"WHY he feels that way needs to be worked on...THEY need to work that out.  If they don't, it's not really much of a relationship."

Now that I agree with. And even said so in my reply to her.

What I am objecting to are the bold statements that once you are married, you must behave in a prescribed way and that includes not being allowed to have fun unless your husband accompanies you. I think that's dumb.

 Some people are ********  Mystery solved.  Why are you putting some other experience on this poster?  She posted that she adores her husband and wants to make things work.  You are making assumptions that she is going to turn into this other person.  Of course it happened.  Of course it happens.  Of course it WILL happen.  Marriages break up all the time, for a million reasons!  Odds are pretty good that advice from a message board won't prevent it, either.  

What have I learned from this thread?  That OH is full of a bunch of mysognistic prudes who think women need to sit home twiddling their thumbs or their poor widdle men will be all insecure.  

FUCK THAT.