Roadblocks, Long post, trying to sort my thoughts

First let me say I have YET to have surgery. I am sorry I fell off the boards for a few months but I truly became isolated from the topic of WLS for a bit there. Second I will list some keypoint facts about myself,  to maybe answer questions that might come back at me. If you read my profile you will see this has been something I have read, studied, wanted, and ran from for years. I have several people in my life who has had both lapband and rny, with some weight loss, alot of regain.

1) I was 410, dropped down to 328, back up to 418 ( due to back problems and being bedridden for several months) back down to 350 after back surgery, stayed there for awhile, then down to 313 when I was going to have the RNY back in april 2011, and now been dancing between 330 and 340 since them. I wont allow myself to go over 350 if i can help it.

2) was scheduled for RNY along with a cyst removal on my ovary in april. Day before surgery, at 3 in the afternoon i cancelled the RNY. Honestly, I was scared and it blows my mind how scared I was when I spent SO dang long trying to get approval and have this surgery. I also was convincing myself since I lost so much weight on my own, two times, why can I not continue downwards? This is when I dropped off the boards as well.

3) Started bouncing back and forth between lapband and rny once again. Scheduled for the Lapband around thanksgiving. Cancelled this a week and half from surgery. Two reasons, one, I was forced to move my family out of the place we were renting and into a new place. This took 3 weeks and it was my fiance and I ONLY to do the work. I KNEW having surgery and risking not putting myself first and pushing myself to move would of been risky and possible damaging. Secondly, I did deeper research on the lapband and while I like the intial less invasive issues, I understand clearly the risk of 2nd and 3rd surgeries, the risk of low weight loss (regardless of how much effort due to swallowing, food intolerences etc.) and the other major issues with the band. I ultimately this time around became afraid of the band.

4) I know of the other surgery options. Insurance, surgeon, and location my choices are RNY and the lapband. I could start from square one and find another office in N. California but hoenstly, financially and Ins wise, this would be a much longer process and near impossible. That and a mother I take care of at home with multiple issues. I need to be close to home and work. I also know that would take over a year or more to save the money to do this. Harsh.

5) I paid for EVERYTHING and holding onto the funds for the cost for surgery at this moment. I just spoke to my surgeon office and IF i have surgery by feb. 23rd, then the only thing i have to come up with is another surgeon visit co pay (its been to long since he has seen me at this point), and the surgery co pay (which i have most of). IF i wait until after that day, then i have to pay for the nut, the psych, tests, the classes all over again which equal to about 500 - 600.

SO basically i spent a year paying for this stuff, going through the hoops, and then ran, twice. AND at this point, I have one more shot before all that money spent is gone and i have to start over. Ins will approve this I know, but everything else will cause me to have to wait quite a bit of time. It takes awhile for me to build up money like that.

I know this post will frusterate a lot of newbies going through the process and wanting to be approved. Please do not attack me, if you read my page you will see I was in your shoes EXCATLY and more than once. I went through two big fat NO's from insurance companies and doctors and also putting my mom first. This has been over the past 6 years of tug of war. I KNOW it is hard to understand and swallow why I NOW would put up these roadblocks and hesistate when I was the complete opposite at one point. I personally do not understand myself and I am trying to figure this out and spewing my thoughts right now. More so, do i schedule this surgery and go through with it in Feb.

Ultimately between the two surgeries, I have decided it has to be the RNY. If this is going to happen, with my ins " one WLS pre lifetime" clause, I have to go this route. I am heading for weight related issues lately that are kind of frieghtening. More than I had 6 years ago.

But the other part of my mind is like no, you can do this without surgery. Really? 

At the core I am scared, very scared. Not of what I have to do to keep myself healthy, I know once I make up my mind for honest concrete good, I will work very hard at what I need to do. But of the surgery, the risks, the possible future of severe deficiencies, the fact that to find an ulcer in my stomach it has to be done surgically once I have the RNY, not living through the surgery past 6 months due to complications.
 
I am also terrified of the heart attack around the corner. It is coming i know this. Can i really defeat that and lose the weight alone? I feel truly a bit lost.

I have been a part of this community lurking and active long enough to know that I can always turn to you for ideas, thoughts, advice, and educated answers. I also know you all are friends on many different levels, even if I never have spoken to you or seen your face. You are all amazing, and for those who sat long enough to read all this, and respond i genuinely thank you with all my heart.

 Obviously no one can make this decision for you because only you will have to live with the outcome.  I can tell you as a very successful rny patient it was the best thing I could do for my health nearly 7 years ago.  Is the DS or VSG even an option with your insurance, if so maybe the VSG would be a better fit for you.  We are all different and you need to do what is right for you.

Good Luck.

thank you for posting. Yes I do know bottom line its my decision, and no one is going to live it for me. I am just trying to sort out thoughts and maybe there are some out there I have not thought of.

No, DS and VSG are not a current option. I mentioned why in that first post. I would have a few years trek in front of me if i were to do that. I would have to pay it myself for sure.

This is tough, no doubt.

I did have the pre-op heart attack. A bad one. Nobody could take of mom while I was hospitalized for it, so she ended up in the hospital, too. Then she went to a nursing home for a few weeks.
One of the reasons my doctor used to convince me to have the surgery was that if anything happenend to mom, I could not physically care for her at this weight. I didn't listen soon enough.
We can all lose the weight. 95% cannot keep it off.
Have you been going to support group meetings anywhere? Part of my fears are not being able to cope after surgery. But once I was eating with post-ops, I found us eating the same foods at a pot luck, in the same portion size, only I ate smaller bites. I still fear the unknown. But the only regret I have ever heard is WLS patients who wish they had done it sooner.
You have to be 100% committed to this before surgery. It sounds like you are not ready. You may never be. It would be worth it, IMHO, to forget about the lost $600 and first decide, with professional help, if the surgery is right for you at all.
Forget the band. A lot of surgeons wouldn't even offer you one at your weight. You won't lose as much as you need to even if you lose as much as you can with it. Most don't.
I walked away from a years work, the program fee, psych visits, and dietician visits and fees to change surgeons. I lost confidence in that program. When I met my new surgeon, a past president of the ASMBS, and told him what it was about the other program that caused me to leave, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.
I had the same feeling of dread before the heart attack. Your chances of having that heart attack or something else and dying from it are greater, much greater, than having the surgery. But some people are just not meant to have the surgery. You may be one of those. If so, you will die young. There are not a lot of 350 pound 70 year olds walking around if you hadn't noticed.
You need to talk to someone about this in therapy and start meeting people who had the surgery.

 You have some very valid points here. Also, did you have your heart attack before you had the RNY? 100% commitment will come when I cross that line and deicde yes. I know myself enough for that, and a big part to why I am struggling so much. My best friend of 25+ years told me once, "mary jo i know something about you. Once you TRULY decide to do something and i mean honestly decide, whatever line happened that you cross when your done and want to make it happen, you somehow pull it out of you a** and you make it happen". Why I have never done that with losing weight permaently I can not figure out.

You said you had the same feeling of dread before the heart attack. Can i ask you to explain that a bit? Maybe how long? was it mental fear only?

Thanks for your post, it was heavy in the right spots

I am almost five weeks out from RNY. I had visions of chickening out and going home before my surgery. As it turned out, I was too busy to panic. I took a week of vacation before my surgery so I could go see my son. 36 hours after I got home, I was in the hospital. As soon as I got there, I started complaining of anxiety and asking for meds. The next thing I knew, I woke up and it was over. Boy am I glad I did this! Here's the part when I tell you what I think you should do! I think you should reschedule your appointment. If you're too anxious, ask your doctor for meds. If you had high blood pressure or high blood sugar, you'd take meds for that. If this is what you need to do in order to improve your health, it seems worth it to me. Good luck!

 Thank you for sharing. This was wonderful advice. Maybe anxiety meds is what I need to chill out the what if's. *hug*

Good luck in your decision making.  Once you are ready, then you will be ready.  You need to remember that before you can help others you need to help yourself first.  Remember the information you receive before a plane takes off.  They indicate that if the oxygen masks drop, you are to put it on yourself first before assisting others around you.

You need to lose weight in order for you to be an effective assistant to others.  You know this.

Judy

 Fantastic example!!! True, I am no real honest help to my mom or my boss even where I stand now. But i do try really hard and make things happen.

This is a big step, and no doubt you did your homework.

I think you are looking for some inspiring words of wisdom, I don't have any, sorry about that.

Would I do this again?  Yes.

Somedays I get hacked off with the vitamins and would love to take a bath in a bathtub full of ice cream sandwiches, but I dont.

It boils down to choice.  Choosing is the hard part because it makes you accountable.  

I wish you luck with your decision!