Dating Dilemma!

Thanks Isa!  Several other folk have said the same thing - guess I HAVE to keep it for a while - at least until I change up my look again..... lol!!!!

Everyone has answered no input...just wanted to say hi and good luck in your future dating endeavors...

It sucks that you are in the situation BUT we as women already know whats right and whats wrong.  IMO this is the perfect time to have had  see his true colors bounce do you!!!!

Being someone who has always been mainly attracted to plus sized women, I understand where he's coming from.  With that, I also understand that someone's body can change.  I've beed talking to a friend of mine about this topic and I've come to the conclusion that if I were with someone and she lost a lot of weight, I'll still be there for her because I love her heart and mind more than her body type.  Just the same with someone that love big men, I would still want them to love me when I'm thinner.

For him to not even see you tells me that not only does he not respect your decision, but his mind is closed.

 

CUT THAT ZERO

Not to sound cold, or distant...but, if he was all about you in that the world kinda sorta revolved around you and then it changed suddenly, it could be one of two things.  One, he is, indeed having a problem with the fact you had the surgery or, two, he probably wasn't as into you as you may have thought. 

Since he has made it clear to you he is only into big girls, then it probably wasn't about you, per se, but about the image of you. For example, its like ppl who deal with another person because he/she is "foiiiiiiiiiiiine.." or has a big wallet/bank account, etc.  If cir****tances change and that person flees, were they into the person or the image? 

Me? I say cut your losses, Rachel and wait for the MAN (as opposed to "boy playing at being a MAN") who is going to appreciate you NOT because of your size or lack thereof, but because of the woman you are. 

One other thing, if he is speaking to you on the regular, but finds excuses not to see you, its quite possible he may have another distraction. I won't speculate on what the distraction could be, but it could be anything.

Good luck on ur journey, btw, and congrats on getting thru the procedure.  

Gurl my husband was so against me having the WLS, we went at it so many times and He slept on the couch so many nights!!! When I had to move to DC for my internship in August I brought it up again and stood my ground. Yes, his insecurity got the best of him and he added me coming to dc to work and having WLS as a means of leaving him.....(gurl men are crazy). He flew up here to come to an appointment with me and he saw how serious I am about changing my life and I have his total support.

I was his first /only plus-sized girlfriend and he sometimes jokes about me losing weight. My advice to you is that If this man loves you and cares about you then he should be there NO MATTER WHAT!  I had total resistance from my man and now he plays a very active role in getting things together for my surgery on 3/17/09.  You are you, yes things are gonna change but the same plus-sized diva you were is the same diva you are gonna be, only smaller. He needs to keep it moving cuz if he actin a fool NOW just wait and see the MONKEY come out when you get smaller!!!

Hi Kelly and Welcome!!

hey i think i'm in the minority here but some people simply don't process their feelings in real time.  it's easy for anyone other than you to say what should be done b/c we've got this one cir****tance to judge him by.  but if you've been dating this guy for a a year and a half and speaking to him every day but not seeing him, he's struggling with his feelings.  you said he talked about the surgery negatively, he likes full figured women, etc.  the guy may not know how to reconcile his old feelings with his new ones.   i'm definitely amongst the group of folks here who think baf is not for making life decisions, accordingly, only YOU know the sum total of who he is, so only you can (and only you should) decide.   if you can tune everybody else out and not make pride an issue, then during one of your daily conversations tell him what you told us, ask him some non-small-talky questions and then decide what you wanna do about it.   people who are actually compatible can talk (honestly) to each other.   good luck!!

eta that sometimes the insecurity is masking itself as fear.

Hey Everybody,


    Thank you all for your words of encouragement!!  I have a major update:  I had a visitor EARLY (7AM) this morning.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the best morning person. LOL  My gentleman caller decided to make a guest appearance!  I was so mad because for one like I said I'm not a Morning person, secondly I hate when people show up at my door without calling, and lastly who does he think he is just showing up like it hadnt been almost a MONTH since I had seen him!!!  He came bearing Gifts and apologies.  He said he just needed some time to clear his head, and realize he was being juvenile and that I'll be the same girl he fell for in a smaller package. I dont know what to feel now, a part of me wants to believe him but another side of me feels that things will change again once my weight loss becomes more noticeable ( I'm already down 40lbs less than a month after surgery woohoo).  I guess I'll have to wait and see because like I said before "actions speak louder than words"

I am not one to say deal with or don't deal with him, but I will share my story.  My husband and I separated a month after my surgery.  He was totally against it but I was hospitalized several time for high blood pressure (in stroke range), cardiac issues, etc.  I have two small kids and I want to live for them and also I wanted to live for me so I DID IT.

Well a month later we split, its almost been a year, and we have had very little communication.  We have been talking more lately and in those conversations I see that his choice had nothing to do with me but his own insecurity.  He felt that I would leave him and honestly I think that he historically chose heavier women because he felt they would be more attracted and accepting on him.  He had low self esteem and I could not help that.

In hindsight I will say that people are not perfect.  No ONE is.  His reaction could also be because of the way you handled the issue.  It may be one of trust.  He may feel that if you genuinely cared for him (even though the decision was yours and yours alone to make) that he would have at least been made aware of your decision in advance of the day before.  I think often times those of us who have had the surgery don't see the other person's point of view.  He doesn't have to be a ZERO just because he is struggling to find his place of acceptance with the new you.

Sorry so long.