Dispair!

Hi everyone. I haven't posted for quite some time but I read post daily. I am really struggling these days. I am 7 months post op and have lost 91 pounds. With what I lost pre-op, that's a total of 116 pounds lost so far. I know, I should be thrilled! And I don't mean to sound selfish but it's not enough. I have regressed to old eating habits. I don't exercise. I honestly think I have stretched my stomach because I can eat more than I should. I have this overwhelming feeling that I'll never lose all the weight and will be a failure at WLS. I will gain back the weight and can hear everyone saying " she's the one that had that surgery and blew it" "isn't it a shame that she went through all that and now is as fat as ever" I have to admit that it's difficult for me to read some of your post because you are doing so well. I am green with envy. My sister had wls about 2 years ago and is now in a size 10. She is so skinny and looks great. It's like a slap in the face when I see her that she did it and I can't. That I'm going the be the failure of the family.(my mom had has rny also and lost the weight). I know you are going to tell me to "get back on track" "everyone goes through this" but I feel such great dispair!!!!!!!!! Hope I don't depress anyone. I've wondered if I should even post but wanted someone to talk to. Thanks for reading. Sandra A.

Sandra, I just wants you to know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm only 7 days post-op but the one thing I've already found out is I may have had surgery to make my stomach smaller, but that sure as heck didn't change my brain! Do you go to any support group meetings? Maybe that would be a good place to start? Janet

Sandra please don't ever feel you can't post what your feeling. We are here for you and NO matter how your feeling you are more than welcome to voice it. I wish I had some advice for you (personally I think your doing great). I do think we all have these fears though. I know when I look down at my portions sometimes I think it looks like too much and get worried. It my stomach feels the least bit too full I totally freak out. I am in constant fear of stretching my pouch. I was telling someone on another post that everyone at home has this picture in their minds of what they think I should look like when I come home and I'm so afraid I'll disappoint everyone. Hang in there my nutritionist insists that we will lose weight because there is just no way we can eat the way we used to. I'm going to hold onto that piece of advice and hope like heck she's right. I will be sending hugs and thoughts your way!! Jamie

Sandra((((((((((BIG BIG HUG)))))))))))))) Sad to say, GF, you are NOT the only one who is struggling with this. I am in the same boat. I also feel upset,angry,and depressed when I read on here how successful most people have been. It almost makes me want to cry when I see someone who is a normal weight now. I also feel like such a failure. I dont dump, so sugar is once again my enemy. I'm so grateful that you had the courage to post about this. I thought that I was the only one who was going to fail at this. I'm trying to tell myself that the word "failure" is subjective. We have lost more weight than we could have without the surgery. But, I feel that the most important thing is that maybe this weight wont come back. I know people on here mean well...........but sometimes, you just need to vent and not be told to "get back on track". I think we know WHAT to do............its just doing it. I really wanted to send this in a private email, but didint see the option on your post. Every single day I wake up and think "Bridget!!!! Why cant you do this?" Why wont you do this?" I know exactly what you mean about dispair. if you need anyone who knows just how you feel, I am here. Floundering, struggling, but eating what the heck I damn well please too. Again, Sandra, thank you for having the courage to post this! It means a lot to me. willby

Oh Sandra! We're all in the same boat! I'm almost 8 months out and I've only lost 115 lbs! And lots of times I think I'm eating too much, or I know I do, because my pouch hurts afterwards. BUT as long as the scale keeps moving downward I know my tool is still working! Please, please, please go see your PCP and check into getting something to help you with your depression. I know it's hard but you've taken the first step by telling us, so now it's time to take it a step further. Just remember that you don't have to suffer through this alone because we're all right here with you... Vent away! Karen

((Hugs)) Sandra ... let me just ask you this one thing ... are you losing weight still? If you are ... well then you're being successful. How fast or slow you lose it can't be the thing for you now ... just that you're losing. Make that all you focus on, and put the rest of the stuff aside. I know you're feeling so low and I'm so sorry ... but you're in a stage post-op I think most of us will go/or have gone through ... and it's not easy to ride out nor is it a short term thing. I *PROMISE* you I still get in this type frame of mind too ... exactly like you're describing. I live in a very very small town where attitudes about GBS are pretty archaic, most people feel it's "the easy way out" (you've come up against these types, I'm sure) and I feel like people are watching to see me screw things up. I wonder often just how stretched out my pouch is too, because I seem to be able to eat so much more now where it used to be more uncomfortable. And that depresses me because I depended on that control to make it impossible for me to blow this. Truth is, though, we can, and that's a scary thought after enduring so much. Try to narrow your vision in on the whole thing and try to ignore the negatives. Make your goals small, don't even *think* of totals anymore, just concentrate on making it through your day, trying to follow your protocol. To quote platitudes: "Leave yesterday behind and don't anticipate tomorrow ... focus on today." (Sorry, I hate people who quote to me and here I am doing it to you ... but that particular one is how I'm trying to live my life *now* ... and it works, believe it or not. ) I'm just so very glad you posted because we're always here for you. it makes me remember none of us is alone in this ... we're here for each other. (((hugs))) and you're in my thoughts Myra G

Sandra, Thanks for posting this. Were you reading my mind? I feel the exact same way. I do exercise and I still feel like I have not lost enough. I will be 6 months out on the 27th and have lost a total of 100 lb.s but 29 of that was from pre-surgery. That means only 71 since surgery. I feel like a failure too! I don't see much of any difference when I look in the mirror. Just know that you are not alone! Leeanne

Sandra - Good morning! And believe me...it really IS a good morning! Congrats on your 116 pound weight loss, that is really fantastic!!!! I will be going into surgery in less than a week, so I don't know how you are feeling, but I do know that I have struggled with "head hunger" for MANY years and I know this will be a problem even AFTER surgery. I am seeing a therapist PRIOR to all of this per my surgeon's request. She is helping me with cognitive behavior therapy and one of the things that I do a lot of is "negative talk". Right now I am working on visualizing a BIG stop sign in front of my face when I start to negative talk, it is very hard to do. This therapy helped me stop smoking and lose almost 35 lbs. (and still losing) prior to surgery. When I told my therapist I am struggling with my liquid diet, she said okay, I want you to WALK...just get out in the sunshine and WALK. Guess what? I cannot go a day without this in my head, so I walk. Feel kinda guilty if I don't. I am also trying to find other coping tools that will help me get through the stressful, emotional times and to start thinking about WHY I want to eat something, really searching for that feeling. Once you recognize it and say it out loud, you will be surprised how you will determine whether or not you really "need" it. I guess what I am trying to say is that many of us have been on diets and have never dealt with the mental side of food addiction or whatever we call it and I know for me, that is the reason I often fail. If you can talk to your PCP or start some sort of therapy (cognitive behavior therapy is GREAT!), it might help you get over the humps a bit easier. I do want you to know that you are WORTH it. Keep telling yourself that. There will be tears and fears along the way I am sure. I am not looking for these times, but I hope to be better prepared. You are doing a fantastic job and getting the surgery is the first step. Remember to keep telling yourself "I DESERVE BETTER, I AM WORTH IT" Have a VERY sunshiny day > Deb

Dear Sandra, I used to live in Bowling Green! I still think of it now and then. I find it helpful to read motivational books when I am feeling off-track. I have several books dealing with weight--"Rational Eating," "Dr. Phil," Passing for Thin," etc. There is something about getting re-focused that works for me even if I am re-reading material I'm familiar with. I'm a big fan of taking advantage of this surgery to change behaviors and attitudes about food. For me, the quality of my food was one area in which I could have the best (well, maybe not the best, but pretty good anyway). So I used it to both express my personality and reinforce my sense of self. Prior to surgery, I really had to deal with this and move food out of any function other than nutrition. (And well, it does still have to taste good.) For you, food might meet another need--one area in which you control how you feel (even if that control is to feel lousy). Food is such a complex thing in our lives. I would really recommend you check out a counselor. I know it can be pricey, but in the long run it is worth it if you can get a handle on your emotions and actions. And it never hurts to be able to talk with someone who is on your side. Yes, we all hope you will get "back on track" for your own sake, but what it takes to do so must work for you. You have done great so far--down 116 lbs.! That is fantastic. Reward yourself with a facial or something special, breath deeply, and enjoy your progress. Do take care and don't get to discouraged, Sally

Hi Sandra, First here is a big ol hug (((((SANDRA))))). Now, you are not alone. Let me just say that I was on here being an angel to people and encouraging everyone I could because I was so successful in changing my way of life and eating habits. It is very easy to give others advice and support when things are going well. I dont know why we all seem to feel like its a competition and "whomever loses the most the quickest wins". We all gained it differently and we all lose differently. Losing 116lbs is fabulose, but now you have to struggle to lose more or just keep off what you can. I am now in the same boat. I gained back 15lbs because the doctor changed some of my meds (side affect is weight gain). But, I also found out by accident that I dont dump. I sometimes go right back to my old habits after 2 years also. I struggle every single day with myself. Sometimes I lose and sometimes I lose worse. The key is that you try your best every day. If you manage to make one good choice a day over a bad choice then it is a good day. Maybe the next day you can make 2 good choices, maybe not, but you are human as we all are. They dont operate on your head, only you tummy. We are all in this together. I need support too. I can see myself right back up to over 400lbs with no problem. I will try my best not to do that, and maybe you can promise me that you will try your best not to either. Thats all we can do is our best. Sorry for rambling, but you are not alone and you need to keep asking for help when you need it. Hugs, Soos