so upset

My daughters prom  is tonight. Well while at the park taken pictures she really hurt my feelings.  Her father had his 2nd ex wife with him.  He is in the process of  his fifth divoirce. And when he is in between wives he  always resorts to dating his ex's expecially this one as she takes him for money ever time.  Also by the way we were never married.  Anyway we where taking pictures and my daughter runs over to Carol and says Dad you have to take a pic of Carol and me.  Now my daughter has not been raised around this women, and it is no big deal that Sasha wants a pic of her, right.  But she never says anything about getting a pic of her own mother with her. That is what really hurt/  And then her dad looks at me and says If you would have dressed up we would take your picture with her too. Now mind you. I didnt put a dress on or anything fancy, I mean I am not going to prom the kids are. but I did my hair, and had a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt on. WTF, this is not for the parents but the kids.  And he also let me know that all the kids where meeting their parents at a fancy reservation only restaurant with their parents before prom and I was not informed of this. So he is taking his ex-from twenty yrs ago to my daughters parent-prom dinner. I just feel so upset I want to eat everything. I mean why should I lose weight my kids  dont care, dont even feel proud of the choicces and how far I have come. and I have done nothing but cry  and drink and eat everything I can thing of that wont  make me sick. And yes intenetional drinking so I can get more in. I am so afraid that htis will continure if I dont get control of my emotions and will set me back with the weight and depression.  Please help!!!!!!  I feel so hurt by this I dont know what to do. I cant stop crying my husband has tried to help but nothing seems to help....This should have been a happy night with my kids, But I will never ever be able to look at a picture of her wearing that prom dress that I work so hard to mutliple and figure out how to pay for,  getting enough money to help pay for without thinking I dont even have a pic of her with it on next to me.  And I know he did this cause I wouldnt sleep with him a  couple motnhs ago.  He treats me like this and wants me to reconcilated with him, when I have a good man that loves me and takes care of me.  But Sasha did it too , that is what hurts...How can I get my eating under control? You know there are tricks to eating when you really want to.  Please someone help it hurts so bad.......

I would write out several drafts of how you are feeling towards ex and daughter. If you make a couple you can start nasty the change the wording so you get your point across with out looking like you went nuts and lashed out. After ,you can decide to give the final draft out or not. I have not had surg. yet but I have had a problem with getting run over by people not thinking of how I feel. I always manage to think of others it boggels my mind why others just dont. If your hands and mind are busy doing something that gets out the emothions and keeps your hands busy you will be less likely to eat.

I hope this helps and I am sorry you went through it.

Hi Marie, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this with your ex and your daughter too.  Now I truly don't know the parties involved, but I do know that teen-age girls tend to basically think about themselves rather than how their actions affect another person.  I don't think that your daughter intentionally tried to hurt your feelings.  She was probably nervous, and knew ahead of time that she was going to that pre-prom dinner thing with her dad and whoever he asked to come.  She probably even thought that you knew all about it.  Sasha's dad probably knew the game plan and had no problem hurting your feelings (grrrrrrr)  Please don't sabatoge yourself.  I'm sure all of  your family is proud of you and your weight-loss even if it doesn't seem like they do all the time.  Let's keep on losing this weight..it's a battle and we gotta win it my friend!  Please know that we all know how you feel and we are here for ya. Hugs, Ginger

Hi Rie, I am so sorry that happened to you!  I think the suggestion about writing out your feelings was a good suggestion.  I would dl that then sit doen and talk to your daughter.  I am not a parent, so I cannot speak from that perspective, but I do know that when I was a teenager, my mom's feelings were the last thing I cared about.  Anyway, maybe talking to her about how she made you feel will be beneficial to you both.  As for your ex, who cares what he thinks.  The very fact that he's blown through five marriages, says that he is missing certain "people skills". Anyway, we are all very proud of you!  Please do not sabatoge your hard work.  I know it's hard... goodness gracious I know.  You and your famile are in my prayers.  Hugs, Tracy

This must be tough for you.  But I do second the previous poster who said that teenagers don't think about others.  They really are "in the moment" developmentally, so are more truely "thoughtless" than intentional.  But this is a teachable moment between you and your daughter.  Once you have processed your own emotions, talk with her about being aware of how her actions affect others.  But also talk to her about how when you and she gets hurt, even if unintentionally, those feelings need to be processed and dealt with.  You need to model for her the good coping skills she will need both to not be thoughtless about her own actions but also how to deal with the inevitiable hurts.  I work with college students who struggle unnecessarily because they have not been taught these skills.   I'd also suggest you look into the book "The Beck Diet Solution: How to think like a thin person."  It isn't about a diet but about changing your own thinking about food.  I know I still struggle with the same food behaviors I had pre-surgery.  The book is based on cognitive behavioral therapy (changing your thinking to change your behavior) which has been successful in addressing all sorts of habit-based behaviors.   And, please this is not a flame but something I recognize from my own experience, maybe you could consider how well you "read" people and events.  Is it unreasonable to expect that you "might" want to be in a prom picture with your daughter--even though, as you say, it is all about her night?  So dressing up a bit to fit with that occasion even if not going on to the dinner wouldn't have been out of line.  I know many of us have/had clothing issues linked to our body issues.  This may not be the case here, but do you have a tendency to "underdress" for the occasion?  I run the opposite and tend to overdress--something I am still trying to find the right balance in.  I refused to be the "sloppy fat lady" even at my greatest size.  It was my form of self-defense against the stereotype.   Wouldn't it be great if we could at some point be able to stop worrying about becoming the person we really want to be!   Good luck, Sally

Sally, I just ordered the Beck Diet book you mentioned.  Looks like something I can use.  Thanks for the suggestion. Lori

Marie, I don't have any sage advice as I'm not a mother, but, do fight with inappropriately turning to food to help me cope with hurt or stress.  Learning to love myself and doing the right thing for me, regardless of what else is happening is what I'm trying for.  I wish I had a magic wand and could bring true self-love onto both of us! Big Hugs. Lori

Marie,  I know this is going to sound harsh, but I want you to first know that I'm not saying it in a mean way, but out of compassion and understanding.   Your daughter treats you like crap, and your ex treats you like crap, because you let them treat you like crap.  After years of taking their abuse (i've read your past posts about your family), you've allowed them to set up a pattern of how to treat you.   If one of my kids ever did that to me, at the time they were abusing me, I would let them know what for.....(by the way my kids know better and wouldn't dare).   At the time the photos were being taken you should have said in a stern voice "i am your mother, not that woman, you need to now take a picture with me".  Would it have started a fight?  Perhaps, but you know what you deserve to be treated with respect, an it's time your family learns that one way or another.  The same thing about your daughter going to a "party" for the parents and not inviting you...again you should have not screamed, but should have made a very clear stern statement about how you should have been invited, that you are the mother, and this is your daughter, and that other woman had no business being invited when you were not.    It's time you start redrawing the boundary lines of how you will be treated in the future.  It's almost like puppy training......if you allow your puppy to chew on your shoe in front of you, then he will learn that is an acceptable behavior.  If you, at the time your puppy is chewing the shoe say sternly "NO!!!" after a time or two the dog will learn that it's not acceptable, and it won't do it anymore.   Your daughter (who should care and respect you) may need some basic puppy training.    As for your ex....SCREW THE *******may he get some STD and crabs, and have an itchy crotch for the rest of his life...lol.   OK maybe not that...but what the heck do you care about him?  He's obviously not good enough for you........so F*** what he thinks, or what he says.  I know this is a hard post, but hey, sometimes we need to hear the truth from friends.   I honestly think you need to get out a few books on being assertive from the library.  Yes...maybe writing letters will help, or going ot therapy, but to me your main issue sounds like you don't want to express yourself, that you don't value yourself enough to say whats on your mind...and that needs to change.   Finally You didn't lose weight for them, you did it for you, and your value is not based on them (that would be codependent behavior) but your value is based on who you are. Growing up, my family wasn't wealthy, my mother often didn't fix her hair and wore stained cloths...but you know what I wouldn't have dared disrespected her, because she'd kick the crap out of me...lol.  I learned not to disresect her very quickly.  While your daughter is too old to get spanked, there are other things you can use to "convince" her, and remember the best time to do the correction is just like the puppy, at the time of the offense.  If you do it after the fact, she won't recall the moment.  Scott