Seriously need help

I posted this on the main messageboard, but I forgot you guys are here for support also, so I'm posting it here too. OK, here goes. My husband (who's not sure he will still be my husband if I have this surgery) grandmother passed away this weekend. That means that I will be surrounded by his negative family members all next weekend. I have not seen them since he told them of my decision to have surgery. Needless to say, they think I don't need surgery, I just need more willpower. These people always make me feel like a insect crawling on the floor and will be squashed any minute now. I've been doing really good trying to lose some weight (have to lose 45 lbs before surgery) but I know they always make me want to eat. Any suggestions? I have insisted on the fact that I will stay at a hotel and not with his family (already made reservations). Anything else you can think of?

Hey Lurnia, I dont know if I am the right one to be giving advice because I am the type not to take this surgery lightly and I am sure you arent either. Number one.... If these people make you feel that way, that goes to show you there is no support from them so just cut it off with them. Its your life not theres. I have always had the best of support from my family and friends. They just worried about me getting thru the surgery like any other person. You have support on here for sure. I am sorry family can be so ignorant. I have been married 28yrs and know first hand when you say I do you have no idea just what your saying I do to lol.... Ive only been out of surgery two months and have had three deaths to deal with and you just keep going. You have to think about yourself and your health also. And as far as your husband is concerned.... Dont get me started. The older I get the more I am like the woman off of fried green tomatoes. Lol im older and got more insurance lol... Other words if they cant support you and be by you in something this serious to you, apparently they can be like poison and you dont need that going thru this... We will be there for you. Hugs Marge

i hear your pain. cant pick your family. i would keep a bottle of water or propel with you at all time i use it to fidget when i have to be around family. then remember you know what is best for you. just smile and wait your turn to have this life changing event. dont let them get you down. just be there for grandma. good luck. ill be thinking of you diane m

Well ... there's always the old "stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and sing la-la-la-la-la-la" if they start to harangue you ... (truly just kidding here). Tell them you respect that they have opinions, but that they *should* want only the best for you, and ultimately it's only a decision you can make, and therefore very personal to you. Then say "End of conversation." (think that will work? ) Honestly, only you know how to handle your in-laws. My way of handling things would be to kill them with kindness while proceeding on how *I'd* decided to go. All the best! Myra

Dear Lurnia, I get really angry at people who push food on their guests. I love to cook food for people, but everyone has their own eating needs, and I respect that. I wouldn't harass a diabetic to eat chocolate cake or a vegetarian to eat meat or a Muslim to eat pork, so why would I push food on someone who has said no--for whatever reason. Do they have a dog? If they insist on giving you food when you have said no, politely take the plate to the dog bowl and dump it in. Then stand your ground and tell them you said you didn't want it and you meant it. It sounds like they already have issues with you, so what have you got to lose! It can be your exercising "more willpower"! In truth, a funeral isn't the best place to stake your claim. If they serve you something you don't want, don't eat it. Pu**** around the plate, and if they say something, just reply that with all the sorrow about the grandmother passing, you just don't have much appetite. Best of luck, Sally

You could just point out their flaws... say things like "wow I can't believe you'd eat that crap" "WOW are you actually smoking??" Just get their goats first... pay your respects and get back to the hotel... If you get an urge to eat away your feelings then get a salad with tons of protein or some rice cakes or fruit... and tell yourself you can eat all you want. When I do this.. I never eat a lot LOL it's just thinking that I can. Then call a friend and rant and rave and scream and thank God they all live so far away, and you're going home soon... Sorry your husband isn't being supportive...remember this is your life you're fighting for and you're worth it!!!!

If your insurance permits, finding a good therapist would really help. I found one a few months before getting my disability, and a good year before my surgery. I've been very lucky in that no one has questioned my decision to have surgery (I weighed 571 pounds -- you're not going to find a lot of people who don't see that as a worse risk than the actual operation). I would agree that it's your decision to make. Your husband has chosen a terrible time to make ultimatums, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. As for relatives, staying at a hotel will be a big help. Eat what you need to fulfill your normal nutritional requirements, and throw anything else away. You can also tell people that your/your husband's grief over Grandma has taken your appetite away. That's not one people will want to argue over. Good luck.

Thoughts to consider: First, Examine, why your husband feels that way? Maybe, he is just scared about something. Does he make you feel badly about your size, other than the surgery? or he he supportive about other decisions? My second husband was so mean about my weight. We were married 7 years and I ended up gaining 100 pounds, though I was intimidated every day. He made me feel guilty about every bite of food. Which made things worse. Next, If you are confident about your decision, practice telling your self what your reasons are for choosing surgery., so if you are asked, you may be more prepared. Maybe, you and your husband could go and talk to your surgeon together about why dieting and self control have nothing to do with weight loss. And why you should have the surgery. Also, Do any of these family members have problems with their weight? Does your husband? Do they try to control you? If so, this may be why they would object to you changing your life. Remember, you are an important person. Beatiful, no matter what size you are. You are a valued member of this world. You have the right to make choices to improve your life. If you cannot get support from family, then find other people to use as your support circle. Lastly, is there any way you can not go visit these people? I know that a funeral is mostly mandatory, but for future encounters?? You have enough stress already. Take care, and let me know if you want to talk, email me if you do.