It's time (this is very long)

Ok where do I start with this.... I have been lurking on this board for some time now and have even interjected my thoughts on occasion but the truth is I miss everyone.... I miss the way we were(on the singles board, it's crazy but a good crazy how our lives change), your worldly advice your are constantly leaving me in stitches so my pact for 2008 is to say "I" am sorry for the way things have been the last few months and if there is anything I might have said or done "I" am sorry. I also come here seeking advice, a shoulder or just a f off is that is how you truely feel... but here's what has been happening in my world the last couple of months... I appologize in advance for the length: ______________________________________________________________________ I have been putting this off because in some sort of way I thought it MIGHT go away but I KNEW realistically it is not going to go away. I am truely beside myself. This might get long so bear with me. So here is what has been happening in my world in the last couple of months. Yes, this has to do with my daughter: October 26, my daughter came to me and told me that she had a car (of her own) and my first reaction is panic ... she has not enough money to be buying a car nor do I have enough to be buying her a car... I thought maybe it was her dad... no... so I started probing a little further and found out that it was a girl that is a friend that bought it for her (so she was telling me) and so i am asking her how she is going to be paying this back she goes "she said I don't have too" and I am thinking what kind of "friend" is going to get you a car and not expect to be paid back that kind of money. Ok so I am doing some of my own detective work and did get the cops involved because this whole time it is not feeling right. The paperwork she had was even more suspicious the ONLY information that is on this paper is the information off her drivers license, the VIN number and how much was paid for the car, how much was paid down and how much was to be paid every 2 weeks and HER signature (no adult)... no tax, no license fee and keep in mind she is also a minor (17). Ok fast forword 3 weeks I find out that she has a "boyfriend" and he is the one that is buying this said car for her. OK now I am fuming... she has had this "boyfriend" for about 7 months and has not told me because she knows how I would feel about it. She has been LYING to me this whole time. Even up until the time I found out about the "boyfriend" THEN on November 26, her world as she knew it and as I know it fell apart. Yes I know you know where I am going with this.... she found out she is pregnant! Man this is the LAST thing I expected from my daughter and she knows it. How "I" found out is she called me at work and at first I was just very upset at how she told me because I couldn't properly process it until I was off work 4 hours after she told me. Then when I got home she was at work. So I guess in the long run "everything happens for a reason" because I was able to process this and pick and choose my words instead of attacking her like I wanted to and would have been soooo wrong to do that. I tell yah there were several days there where I was sooo sick because my eating was sooooo outta whack and my hair was falling out (stress) well I have since had time to process it but still am at a loss for what to do. She is still going to have the baby but I would really like to see her give it up for an adoption (ok before you go off on me hear me out) she is so not ready to be raising a child and I also feel that the financial responsibility is going to fall back on me and her dad. Why do I feel this because the father of this said child is here illegally and I KNOW as soon as they start putting on the pressure for his idenity and wanting documents he is not going to be able to produce (legally) he is going to run. I have since found out that in his other country he has 5 kids. I have asked her about "another wife/girlfriend" both in his other county and the town he lives in (she only sees him on the weekends) and she said she has asked him several times and he denies that there is one. I have found out that he is verbally attacking her and has pulled her hair. He drinks alot and attempts to drive the car. When his friends are around he ignores her. I am just crazy with fear for her. I soooo want him gone but if for some reason he should disappear then she (because her name is the only one on the car) is going to be stuck with the payments of the car and the insurance which is over $200/month (being on her own) because he told her to keep that insurance he would pay it (because they refused to wait so that I could get her on my insurance for about $70/month. He has talked her into adding a phoneline to her cell phone plan so he can have a phone to "keep in contact with her".... my ass he is using that to keep track of her. She has to call him every morning at 5 to wake his ass up for work because he don't have an alarm clock then she is to call him every night as well and when he calls she needs to answer All I gotta say is poor baby get yourself a GD alarm clock and use it like the adult you are suppose to be (he is 22) This is just making me crazy. My mother instinct on this because of other conversations we have had is that he is controlling her, he WANTED to get her pregnant.... he is aparently trying to get his papers and when he does he supposedly is going to ask her to marry him and when she turns 18 they will get married but my gut is telling me that he is using her as his ticket into the country. Once he marries her it is a done deal she will then be "his property" and the abuse as she knows it is going to get worse. She is expected to graduate on June 1st she turns 18 on June 3rd and the baby is due Aug. 6th. She did say health willing she WILL graduate but her actions with school work that is mandatory is telling me otherwise. I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now and I guess as a parent...those of you that are one know what I mean when I say "I expected MORE from my daughter than this." AND yes I do feel like a failure!! OK I knew that this was going to get long just cause I can't say anything simply thats me but I just needed to vent and to explain why "I" have been so quiet lately. So Nancy the answer to your question.... I would love nothing MORE than to be there for you and Dan but with her due date being 08-06 I better stay close to home. Amanda the answer to YOUR question is... IS IT MARCH YET??? Thank you in advance for listening and for any advice you give. I am off to work now so I will answer later when I get home. LOVE YOU GUYS!! YOU ROCK!! ((((HUGS))))

Oh Barb, You are such a special person. I don't even know where to begin to say how sorry I am and I wish there was something I could do. I know she is your daughter and I know you, if she has this child and keeps it you will step up and raise it for her. I in NO way condemn you for thinking adoption is her best choice at this point. She has so many strikes against her right now. SHe is 17, her b/f is an illegal alien who already has 5 children and it is unknown if there is a wife/gf involved. You already know he is verbally abusive and very possibly physically abusive and to top it all off he could leave this country and never be heard from again which is a very good possibility now that she is pregnant, if he left FIVE children somewhere else what makes her think he'll stay for ONE child here?? There are so many people who are financially, emotionally and physically capable of taking care of this child and raising it under the best POSSIBLE cir****tances if she chose adoption. I hope for your sake, her sake and most of all the CHILD'S sake that she will seriously consider this and choose to give her child a loving, caring, financially and emotionally stable home. We love you sweetheart, I have no advice for you on what to do but you know my phone number, you have my e-mail address. If there is ANYTHING I can do please let me know. If you just need to talk or whatever. BUT, first of all you need to TAKE CARE OF YOU. You are letting this stress overcome you and sweetie you can't do that. You are starting to show physical signs of it in your hair thinning out. Please make sure you do what you have to do to keep YOURSELF healthy!! Eat, drink your water, take your vitamons...nag nag nag!! You know me Now, about the car. From what I am understanding this guy put HER name on the papers right??? I don't see how any reputable car dealership would allow that if the car was not paid in full at the time because she is a minor and therefore cannot be held responsible for any debts. Check your state's laws on that. I am thinking the car thing won't be a problem...but tehn again I am not a legal expert. Again, we love you and please keep us informed!!

Awww Wanette your post made me cry you are SUCH a sweetheart and so compassionate!! You are right I do need to take care of me but for the past 17 years it has been about her and her needs and well I will continue to do that just because she is my daughter but I have to figure out how to work some care in there for me! Thanks for letting me know I can call you or email you I just might do that sometime. I will definately keep you informed! Thanks Wanette ((HUGS))

Hi Barb, I'm sorry to hear what has been happening with you over the last few months. I'll add my 2 cents, for what it's worth. First, i find it hilarious that this jerk has enough money to buy a car for your daughter, but yet does NOT have enough money to buy himself an alarm clock. It's obvious that you are seeing many red flags with this person........i refuse to use the word 'guy' when speaking of him because he gives us good guys a bad name..........anyway, I just wish that your daughter could see these same flags that you do.......i know, i know, she's looking through rose colored glasses right now, but she needs to understand what you are seeing with this whole situation. I applaud you for mentioning about putting the child up for adoption. I don't see how anyone can criticize that. you KNOW that your daughter won't be able to afford the child on her own and you just want what's best for the child. I am very fortunate because i, too, am adopted. I have no idea who my birth parents are, nor do i even care. All i know is they put me up for adoption for some reason or another, and i was taken in by the only parents that i have ever known. I was rasied properly and feel that i am the man i am today because of my parents. So basically, what i'm saying is that no matter how hard it may be for your daughter to want to put the child up for adoption, it could end up being the very best thing for the infant. In regards to HIM having other girlfriends and wives plus other kids in his country, doesn't your daughter see this as something that isn't right with him......especially for him to only be 22 years old. i would love to see this piece of trash thrown in jail for doing this to a minor.......yes it takes 2 to tango, but a law has been broken.....and he knew damn well what he is/was doing. I just hope that your daughter comes to her senses and does the right thing, i would hate to see all of this fall onto yours and her dad's shoulders. Sorry if i got on my soapbox for a bit, but some things in life i am just so passionate about and i possibly go overboard with things i say, so with that in mind, if i offended anyone with my post, my apologies, it was not my intent. hugs, -Joey-

Your so sexy when you get on your soapbox!! How are you doing my sexy bluehen man???

Oh Joe!! You can be up on the soapbox anytime!! I do know deep down in my heart that adoption will be the best thing for this child simply because as much as she loves children and as much as I know she would love, protect and care for this child with everything she's got she is not financially going to be able to do it. I know that the couple of times I have mentioned it to her it was not a "NO" I am not going to do that it was more like... a child needs to know who it's parents are so I can't do that... and I am like there are soooo many options out there right now where the child can know who it's parents are while still being raised by adults that can afford to do so. I am so glad that you were put with parents that loved you so!! They definately did an awesome job with you because you are an AWESOME person!! There is much road to cover yet and I guess we are just taking it one step at a time. Thanks Joe!! ((hugs))

I am sorry to hear about your troubles Barb. Just know I am here for you sweetie! Love ya! Julie

I know you are Julie and I thank you for that!! Love yah back!! ((HUGS))

Barb, I contacted the Minnesota Attorney General's office who sent me to The Public Safety area of the "Dealer's Services". I can give you that phone number in a private email. The woman I spoke to was told this; "My niece came up with a car that was supposedly purchased by her boyfriend. She is a 17 year and her driver's license information is on the paperwork. Can a dealer sell a car to a minor?" Her reply was simply "yes". If she has a driver's license, they can sell to her and she would be responsible. HOWEVER, my concern based on the information you provided, is that he (the bf) stole it and made up the paperwork or he got it from a friend who obtained it through unscrupulous means. If he bolts, your daughter is liable for any of it; any money owed, any destruction caused by it, or worse yet, any jail time if it is stolen. If she were my child, I'd take the car to the police station, hand them the keys, and ask them to look the car over and run the vin. The vin is found in multiple places on the vehicle, just not that metal plate in the window. If it comes back stolen, you've brought it back and can tell the tale of the illegal immigrant bf and how he manipulates minor girls. In addition, you could probably have him arrested for statutory rape. Go to the place where she has cell service and cancel it; both of them. Limit the $$ she'll have to pay on that. Barb, I fear she's going to be looking at nothing but grief from this dude and so will you. Unfortunately, I see/hear this daily about people I work with and have to tell them the same things. Right now, you're having to limit the liabilities he will leave for her when he bolts across the boarder or to the next state. And one worse (God forbid); what if he does have another woman close? She's going to blame your daughter and come after her if she fears her $$ or love of her life is going to be placed in jeopardy. I wish I could tell you it's going to be champagne and strawberries, but it isn't and you know that. The best you can do for her (and you) right now is to take that car to the police and try to get her out of any potential trouble if it is stolen. Girl, you've got some prayers going up for you. Liz

Ok, there may be a snag on the statutory rape thing. "The age of Consent in Minnesota is 16. If you are 19 or older and have sex with someone under the age of 16, you are guilty of Statutory Rape. The state explicitly says that consent by the minor is not a defense, AND not knowing the exact age of the minor person is not a defense. There must be a minimum age difference of three years before sex constitutes a criminal act." However, if she's been with him 7 months, was she 16 when she first went with him? It's a possibility. I would still bring it up with the police since there is a 5 year age difference and she's just barely over the age of consent.