Relationships, Surprises, and Spending Time with Ourselves
Relationships
I think that at certain points in our lives, we are sort of looking for somebody with whom we can relate. We are screaming out for an opportunity to belong, and because of that we will consider accepting whatever comes before us. It's important that we remember our value as humans and those standards which we have established to ensure that the potential partners we encounter are the types of people with whom we may build a future... whether a romantic or platonic one. I chose my partner because he surprises me. He takes my breath away, challenges me constantly, and helps me to grow as an individual.
Recently, I talked about my concern with regard to our relationship following my weight loss surgery. I've talked to Hector about it a few times, and he has always seemed so nonchalant. He says I can stop losing weight when I want (which with the DS isn't entirely accurate). I explained the procedure to him again and, although it upset him (because he doesn't like to talk about it), he listened. I asked him what he thought about our relationship and how he might feel about me if I were half my current size (which is actually still "overweight" according to medical standards). His response surprised me.... he said something like It will be interesting... I've only had sex with one skinny person in my life, but you are my partner. I was amazed that in his mind, particularly in the absence of his use of the L*** word, our relationship is so strong that the outcome only seems obvious. I will be healthy, and we will be healthy together.
What kinds of things have happened in your relationships recently - either romantic or platonic - that sort of caught you off guard or shattered some sort of preconception you held?
Surprises
I have three surprises... one of them is Hector's response (although it took forever) regarding the potential outcome of my surgery. We cannot, of course, live in a land of contingencies - what happens will happen and we can either fight that or accept it.... I tend to accept things, I'm a bit of a humanist and think that acceptance is the key to change - when we stop battling our experiences and interpretations, we can understand them more fully, and more readily change them because they (and subsequently we) are no longer in "defense" mode.
The second surprise is an ankle surgeon. In 2005 I was diagnosed with avascular necrosis and an osteochondral defect in my talus. Essentially, there is no blood supply to part of the bone between my leg bones and my heel bone in my right foot. That part of the bone breaks down like normal bone does, but it doesn't get the minerals it needs to build back up. It is, more or less, rotting. The operation - for both the cartilage on the bone and the bone below it - is a complicated procedure that requires the doctor to break my leg, cut the tendons and ligaments, and turn my ankle sideways so he can get to the right place. I've seen more than a dozen surgeons and only one was willing to operate... that one was unable to effectively treat the injury because he didn't break the leg to access it. I had an appointment recently with an orthopedist who is not only willing but is excited to help me. I've lived in pain for the last eight years (it started in 2004) and have experienced a steady decline in my ability to stand and walk. The surgery will require that I not walk for 6-8 weeks (at least) but should significantly improve my functional limitations. When I will have the procedure is yet to be determined because of surprise number 3.
The third and final suprise is a possible surprise. I saw my PCP for my pre-op dietary monitoring. She discussed that she's pregnant and will not be in the office after next month - I asked who she was assigning me to, and she pointed out that I would only need surgical clearance. I indicated that I was not done with the diet program until November, but she states she has records of me starting in April. I am under the belief that the visit note for the end of April which would be for the month of May does not reflect my weight loss or obesity planning, and that as such I had to start over in June. If, however, she completes the form for the month of May (based upon the visit at the end of April) then I am in fact done with my pre-op weight loss monitoring at the end of next month and only have my consults with cardiology and Pulmonology to complete before I can submit to insurance for approval. If that is the case, I'll have the procedure relatively quickly (the end of October or beginning of November) and will have my ankle repaired after I've healed a bit. If she is unable to complete the form for May and I do not "actually" complete this program until the end of November, I will have my ankle surgery relatively soon (after clearance from my PCP, cardiology, and insurance) so that I am recovered in time for weight loss surgery.
Spending Time with Me
We tend to get caught in in our daily lives... we have to take our vitamins, go to work, get in some sort of exercise, deal with partners, family, medical appointments, and a hundred other things that demand our time and attention... but that often means we leave the best for last. Unfortunately, by the time we get to the best (us) we find we have nothing left to give because we are exhausted.
We need to be sure that we find a way - every single day - to spend some sort of quality time with ourselves... whether we go see a movie, take a little time to journal or write some poetry, read a chapter in a great book, take a walk, meditate.... Time with ourselves isn't really being "alone" - it's an opportunity to recharge... to focus on us and to give our minds and bodies the time they need to heal. It doesn't have to be a signifcant amount of time... just fifteen or thirty minutes a day.
I schedule my me-time. I put it in my brain (the calendar on my phone) as a repeating event, and when I'm asked about appointments or something with a friend at that time, I always look for a more appropriate time for it. I'm not able to have dinner at 6 with you tonight... I'm busy until 7 - but we could go after that if you're available!
In my me-time, I enjoy photography, reading, and laying in bed. Photography helps me to see ordinary things in absolutely extraordinary ways. It opens my eyes to all of the remarkable things that we see daily but constantly take for granted... textures left untouched, paths left scheduling... Reading helps me to understand more of the world. I read for school, but it's not quite the same... when I read for me, I read stuff that I love - Maya Angelou, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Umberto Eco. And my bed... my remarkably soft, always inviting, entirely too comfortable bed. Sometimes I will take a nap... sometimes I will lay down and color, read, or just process what's going on in my life.
When it's time to get up and going again, I'm ready. In kindergarten we took naps to rest our bodies and minds... we used them as tools to take care of ourselves and to allow us to regenerate and prepare for a better afternoon. Making sure we have me-time is sort of like naps to a kindergarten student. It seems sort of silly and sometimes it feels pointless, but as we age it's something we will come to appreciate.
Do you guys make sure to have time for yourselves? What kinds of things do you like to do in your me time? How do you address potential conflicts in schedueling (friends, appointments, family...)?
I think that at certain points in our lives, we are sort of looking for somebody with whom we can relate. We are screaming out for an opportunity to belong, and because of that we will consider accepting whatever comes before us. It's important that we remember our value as humans and those standards which we have established to ensure that the potential partners we encounter are the types of people with whom we may build a future... whether a romantic or platonic one. I chose my partner because he surprises me. He takes my breath away, challenges me constantly, and helps me to grow as an individual.
Recently, I talked about my concern with regard to our relationship following my weight loss surgery. I've talked to Hector about it a few times, and he has always seemed so nonchalant. He says I can stop losing weight when I want (which with the DS isn't entirely accurate). I explained the procedure to him again and, although it upset him (because he doesn't like to talk about it), he listened. I asked him what he thought about our relationship and how he might feel about me if I were half my current size (which is actually still "overweight" according to medical standards). His response surprised me.... he said something like It will be interesting... I've only had sex with one skinny person in my life, but you are my partner. I was amazed that in his mind, particularly in the absence of his use of the L*** word, our relationship is so strong that the outcome only seems obvious. I will be healthy, and we will be healthy together.
What kinds of things have happened in your relationships recently - either romantic or platonic - that sort of caught you off guard or shattered some sort of preconception you held?
Surprises
I have three surprises... one of them is Hector's response (although it took forever) regarding the potential outcome of my surgery. We cannot, of course, live in a land of contingencies - what happens will happen and we can either fight that or accept it.... I tend to accept things, I'm a bit of a humanist and think that acceptance is the key to change - when we stop battling our experiences and interpretations, we can understand them more fully, and more readily change them because they (and subsequently we) are no longer in "defense" mode.
The second surprise is an ankle surgeon. In 2005 I was diagnosed with avascular necrosis and an osteochondral defect in my talus. Essentially, there is no blood supply to part of the bone between my leg bones and my heel bone in my right foot. That part of the bone breaks down like normal bone does, but it doesn't get the minerals it needs to build back up. It is, more or less, rotting. The operation - for both the cartilage on the bone and the bone below it - is a complicated procedure that requires the doctor to break my leg, cut the tendons and ligaments, and turn my ankle sideways so he can get to the right place. I've seen more than a dozen surgeons and only one was willing to operate... that one was unable to effectively treat the injury because he didn't break the leg to access it. I had an appointment recently with an orthopedist who is not only willing but is excited to help me. I've lived in pain for the last eight years (it started in 2004) and have experienced a steady decline in my ability to stand and walk. The surgery will require that I not walk for 6-8 weeks (at least) but should significantly improve my functional limitations. When I will have the procedure is yet to be determined because of surprise number 3.
The third and final suprise is a possible surprise. I saw my PCP for my pre-op dietary monitoring. She discussed that she's pregnant and will not be in the office after next month - I asked who she was assigning me to, and she pointed out that I would only need surgical clearance. I indicated that I was not done with the diet program until November, but she states she has records of me starting in April. I am under the belief that the visit note for the end of April which would be for the month of May does not reflect my weight loss or obesity planning, and that as such I had to start over in June. If, however, she completes the form for the month of May (based upon the visit at the end of April) then I am in fact done with my pre-op weight loss monitoring at the end of next month and only have my consults with cardiology and Pulmonology to complete before I can submit to insurance for approval. If that is the case, I'll have the procedure relatively quickly (the end of October or beginning of November) and will have my ankle repaired after I've healed a bit. If she is unable to complete the form for May and I do not "actually" complete this program until the end of November, I will have my ankle surgery relatively soon (after clearance from my PCP, cardiology, and insurance) so that I am recovered in time for weight loss surgery.
Spending Time with Me
We tend to get caught in in our daily lives... we have to take our vitamins, go to work, get in some sort of exercise, deal with partners, family, medical appointments, and a hundred other things that demand our time and attention... but that often means we leave the best for last. Unfortunately, by the time we get to the best (us) we find we have nothing left to give because we are exhausted.
We need to be sure that we find a way - every single day - to spend some sort of quality time with ourselves... whether we go see a movie, take a little time to journal or write some poetry, read a chapter in a great book, take a walk, meditate.... Time with ourselves isn't really being "alone" - it's an opportunity to recharge... to focus on us and to give our minds and bodies the time they need to heal. It doesn't have to be a signifcant amount of time... just fifteen or thirty minutes a day.
I schedule my me-time. I put it in my brain (the calendar on my phone) as a repeating event, and when I'm asked about appointments or something with a friend at that time, I always look for a more appropriate time for it. I'm not able to have dinner at 6 with you tonight... I'm busy until 7 - but we could go after that if you're available!
In my me-time, I enjoy photography, reading, and laying in bed. Photography helps me to see ordinary things in absolutely extraordinary ways. It opens my eyes to all of the remarkable things that we see daily but constantly take for granted... textures left untouched, paths left scheduling... Reading helps me to understand more of the world. I read for school, but it's not quite the same... when I read for me, I read stuff that I love - Maya Angelou, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Umberto Eco. And my bed... my remarkably soft, always inviting, entirely too comfortable bed. Sometimes I will take a nap... sometimes I will lay down and color, read, or just process what's going on in my life.
When it's time to get up and going again, I'm ready. In kindergarten we took naps to rest our bodies and minds... we used them as tools to take care of ourselves and to allow us to regenerate and prepare for a better afternoon. Making sure we have me-time is sort of like naps to a kindergarten student. It seems sort of silly and sometimes it feels pointless, but as we age it's something we will come to appreciate.
Do you guys make sure to have time for yourselves? What kinds of things do you like to do in your me time? How do you address potential conflicts in schedueling (friends, appointments, family...)?
Brian,
I read the book "The Artist's way" by Julia Cameron with my partner several years ago. We did it on a weekly basis. I think there are 12 chapters and one of the "requirements" was an "artist's date" which was exactly what you describe as "me time". One of the things I enjoyed most (and still do) was to go to a bookstore and get a cup of coffee and look at a magazine or a book about something I knew nothing about. I looked at sailing magazines and Fine Woodworking. I read about countries I had not visited. It was really interesting and opened my eyes to lots of new ideas. There were also discussion questions in each chapter and we wrote answers to those and discussed them on Sunday afternoons. It was a great experience. Several of my clients also worked through the book at their own pace. I have continued to take time for myself and agree that it is really a good idea.
Connie
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/gay_lesbian_bisexual_transgender/
I think, especially as mental health providers, we absolutely have to take care of ourselves psychologically. If we neglect that, we're going to see a significant impact in the way we work with our clients, and that's not acceptable.... We will burn out, because unreasonably frustrated, or have difficulty remaining objective - none of those things are any good for anybody involved. I'm going to have to get that book. Although Hector lives in another country, it's certainly something we can do week by week (and works well, because we visit every 3 or 4 months) to grow closer together even though we may not physically be side-by-side.
As people going through weight loss, and more importantly the process of behavioral change that comes with attempting to sustain that weight loss, it's imperative that we do things for ourselves, with ourselves. Without that time to re-charge and process our emotions regarding all of the horrors that our inability to return to our drug of choice (food) has brought forth, we are quite literally doomed to repeat our histories.
We learn from where we have been by understanding it. We study the history of the civil war and world wars so as to not repeat them, but often we shrug off our own pasts. We all have our unique horror stories... some more horrendous than others - but the fact of the matter is that something within us drove us toward food, and that as those issues become more prominent in the absence of that pacification, we're going to have to either wage those wars or find a substitute for our drug of choice.
When I was young(er), my grandmother (a psychiatric nurse) taught me to choose my battles wisely. She told me - when you have to deal with something, always ask yourself how important is this to me? If I leave this alone, how much will it impact my life? When something is very important or has a drastic impact on our lives, it's certainly a battle worth fighting. Leaving the toilet seat up, not rinsing off dishes before putting them in the sink, or coming home ten minutes late are battles that we can probably live with not waging... it doesn't mean we let it go - a gentle reminder of expectations can suffice... it just means that we aren't breaking out the armoured tanks and paratroopers to confront it - because tomorrow, that toilet seat being up isn't going to matter nearly as much as having been molested, physically beaten, or socially isolated earlier in our lives.
I encourage you all to recognize your own intrisic value, to carefully choose those battles worth waging, and to always assess whether or not you, your future, and your health are priorities for which you are willing to fight.
As people going through weight loss, and more importantly the process of behavioral change that comes with attempting to sustain that weight loss, it's imperative that we do things for ourselves, with ourselves. Without that time to re-charge and process our emotions regarding all of the horrors that our inability to return to our drug of choice (food) has brought forth, we are quite literally doomed to repeat our histories.
We learn from where we have been by understanding it. We study the history of the civil war and world wars so as to not repeat them, but often we shrug off our own pasts. We all have our unique horror stories... some more horrendous than others - but the fact of the matter is that something within us drove us toward food, and that as those issues become more prominent in the absence of that pacification, we're going to have to either wage those wars or find a substitute for our drug of choice.
When I was young(er), my grandmother (a psychiatric nurse) taught me to choose my battles wisely. She told me - when you have to deal with something, always ask yourself how important is this to me? If I leave this alone, how much will it impact my life? When something is very important or has a drastic impact on our lives, it's certainly a battle worth fighting. Leaving the toilet seat up, not rinsing off dishes before putting them in the sink, or coming home ten minutes late are battles that we can probably live with not waging... it doesn't mean we let it go - a gentle reminder of expectations can suffice... it just means that we aren't breaking out the armoured tanks and paratroopers to confront it - because tomorrow, that toilet seat being up isn't going to matter nearly as much as having been molested, physically beaten, or socially isolated earlier in our lives.
I encourage you all to recognize your own intrisic value, to carefully choose those battles worth waging, and to always assess whether or not you, your future, and your health are priorities for which you are willing to fight.
(deactivated member)
on 9/5/12 10:26 am
on 9/5/12 10:26 am
I love what U said Brian . 
So MANY of us have problems dating way back to childhood and SOME type of saddening , depressing life - changing ABUSE . I LOVE the way U MANLY , high testosterone way DEAL with it lol 
.
Ur e SUCH a Hottie and I at least thank U for Ur powerful example Hector is a truly lucky man
So MANY of us have problems dating way back to childhood and SOME type of saddening , depressing life - changing ABUSE . I LOVE the way U MANLY , high testosterone way DEAL with it lol .Ur e SUCH a Hottie and I at least thank U for Ur powerful example Hector is a truly lucky man
Brian,
What a long and thoughtful post. I found myself running through all kind of scenarios as I prepared for my WLS. There was this anticipation that BIG things were going to happen and I wanted to be prepared. What I found was that BIG things did happen. Most times they were things that never occurred to me. For example, I am very active and cycle, hike and run. I never dreamed that would be something I would do. I also thought BIG things might happen with my relationship. At that time, we had been together 19 years. Well, nothing BIG changed in the relationship. Actually, as I developed my love of cycling and the outdoors my partner did too. We now find ourselves enjoying ourselves more as we cycle, hike and run.
I don't think you can fully prepare for your post-op life. You can anticipate and plan for change. I urge you to be flexible and let things take its course. It sounds like your partner is on board.
Now about the time for you, I made that my number 1 priority back then. I was so involved in volunteerism and served on two non-profit boards. I was gone constantly. I knew I wanted my WLS to be #1. I actually stepped away from most of my activities. I needed to free the evenings and weekends for myself. I wanted nothing to interfere in changes I would be going through. I knew I wanted to exercise more and knew that freeing time was critical.
Back then I invented the term, Tom's selfish time. I would tell my partner, friends and family that this weekend was Tom's selfish time. It was all about me and only me during that time. I did not use it often but there were times when I did and I was glad. I made myself top priority in my life.
You appear to be a person who is cautious in his decision. That is good, but once your enter post-op life. let yourself go how life wants to take you. Trust in yourself and your partner. I am willing to bet that things will go well.
Tom
What a long and thoughtful post. I found myself running through all kind of scenarios as I prepared for my WLS. There was this anticipation that BIG things were going to happen and I wanted to be prepared. What I found was that BIG things did happen. Most times they were things that never occurred to me. For example, I am very active and cycle, hike and run. I never dreamed that would be something I would do. I also thought BIG things might happen with my relationship. At that time, we had been together 19 years. Well, nothing BIG changed in the relationship. Actually, as I developed my love of cycling and the outdoors my partner did too. We now find ourselves enjoying ourselves more as we cycle, hike and run.
I don't think you can fully prepare for your post-op life. You can anticipate and plan for change. I urge you to be flexible and let things take its course. It sounds like your partner is on board.
Now about the time for you, I made that my number 1 priority back then. I was so involved in volunteerism and served on two non-profit boards. I was gone constantly. I knew I wanted my WLS to be #1. I actually stepped away from most of my activities. I needed to free the evenings and weekends for myself. I wanted nothing to interfere in changes I would be going through. I knew I wanted to exercise more and knew that freeing time was critical.
Back then I invented the term, Tom's selfish time. I would tell my partner, friends and family that this weekend was Tom's selfish time. It was all about me and only me during that time. I did not use it often but there were times when I did and I was glad. I made myself top priority in my life.
You appear to be a person who is cautious in his decision. That is good, but once your enter post-op life. let yourself go how life wants to take you. Trust in yourself and your partner. I am willing to bet that things will go well.
Tom
Follow my journey to a happy, healthy, active life at TomBilcze.com
Most Active
Recent Topics
