What to do about food-police-nazi-husband?

I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband. However, when he is "supportive", it comes out wrong. I know I've mentioned this before here, but I'm not sure how to deal with it. My dealing with it has turned into gaining weight, hiding food again, eating when he's not looking, etc. Today at my office thanksgiving lunch, he came and we were at a table of co-workers. He muttered "don't you have any restriction" while I was eating. I gave him the eye and said "I don't have that much" as quietly as I could. Then he said..."what about self restriction?" Well, I was so hurt and angry at the same time that I wanted to smack him. I know there are those of you out there that say "you would never put up with that". Fine. I'm obviously not putting up with it very well either. Particularly since I have a box of oatmeal iced little Debbie big cookies hidden in my closet---and that is because he counts the ones in the fridge...and knows when there is one missing. I'll show him. I'll hide my very own box in the closet. Realistically, I realize I'm hurting no one other than myself. It still isn't helping my behavior. I'll never get him to understand the plight of an overweight person or of a person that struggles daily with food. I'm not above the hurdles just because I've lost over 100 pounds. I have to remind MYSELF I didn't have surgery on my brain, but what do I do about him? I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow, with a doctor that is in my surgeon's office. Dr. Fox is thrilled I'm going. But, I haven't worked up the courage to tell my husband. He thinks it's a waste. I need help. I need to figure out how to deal with my husband. The more he police's me, the more swell up inside. I just can't figure out to get my husband to understand, or is it me? The "closet" eating is getting to me again, and I don't know how to stop it. Short of homicide, I don't know what to do about him.

Kimberly I feel your pain. My husband is the same way. He loves me dearly I know this...but he weighs about 160 lbs soaking wet. He was a personal trainer throughout law school so he thinks he's Mr. Know It All. I have beaten him into submission so to speak, but he STILL says things that really hurt and make me so mad I could slap him silly. We have been through marriage counseling, etc., for this and other things. We really love each other, but he has to understand a heavy person's life. I still hide food even though I know I shouldn't have to. When I was pre-band, I used to drive through a fast food joint on the way home, eat really fast and then stop & throw the evidence away. When I got home I would pretend I wasn't hungry. My 7th day on the band, I ate a little more than 4 ounces of soup and he didn't say anything, but he gave me the "look." We all know the look means why are you eating that, aren't you fat enough??? Well I just ignore it. We try to work through our problems together, and the rest of his I just ignore. I have to do this for myself and no one else. In short, tell your husband how much it hurts when he says those things and if he doesn't stop, smack him upside the head

Thank you Brandi. I need to beat him into submission! That is the secret! Good idea! I can so relate to the eating in the drive through and throwing the evidence away. I will figure this out and talk to him. I can't do it at the moment of the comment. I get to upset and respond in an equally frustrating way. Thank you Brandi! Kim

Kim, You are such a strong and self-aware woman, I am always impressed with the thoughtful and self-reflective tone of your posts. This situation with your husband is certainly a hurddle, but I believe you will move through it and continue with your success because of your wonderful attitude and persepctive. In my experience, honesty is the best policy. Tell him how it makes you feel when he says things like that, share with him the impulses to hide food and to eat that it creates, and share with him how hurt it makes you. Tell him that you value him and his support and suggest things that he can do to help you get the support you want and need. If you can remain focused on your feelings you may succeed in keeping him from getting defensive and that way he'll be more likley to remain open to hearing what you have to say. Good luck, Elizabeth

Thank you Elizabeth, I appreciate your response. I hope I can just get him to understand that his negative remarks don't help, and it makes ME defensive. We've really had it out over this lately and think I'll have to bring it up when we aren't focused on food [eating] and I'm self-concious of his judgement. THANK YOU! Kim

Kimberly All I recommend is to talk with him and tell him how you feel. I was banded 18 months before my husband was. I have taken it so much more seriously than he has, and have had to remind myself not to be the food nazi. My surgeon told me during his preop appointment that it has to be HIS choice to exercise and eat well, and that I cannot control him. Sometimes it's hard for me to control myself, but I try not to police his actions for the sake of our relationship. The only thing I can tell you is to let him know that it bothers you, and he's pushing you back into your old habits. Let him know that if he really cares about you and your health that his watching your every move brings back the insecurities you had when you were obese. If that doesn't help...find his weakness and point it out every chance you can. Maybe this will let him know how you feel. Venessa

Hi gorgous! VERY profound.....I love what you said about it being "HIS choice to exercise and eat well".....whoa.....that was like hitting myself with a brick. It is up to me. He can't control me. I guess our age difference plays into part of this as well...I do sometimes feel like I'm treated like a child. He's 21 years my senior. Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate it. Needed those words. Kim

, Kim! Elizabeth's post was right on the nosey. And if that doesn't work in dealing with the hubbie right now, remember that seeing a therapist is a positive move in the right direction for you to deal with this before you go "closet" on yourself, again. And if that doesn't work, I got a stun gun you can borrow. You don't have to crank it all the way up to him an adjustment. Just a few volts outta to do it. Halina

Thank you Halina, I think I'm wanting to checkout your stun gun for a few weeks! And I don't want to be in THAT closet again. I appreciate your thoughts a lot! Kim

OUCH!! The only thing that comes to my mind when I read this was that he is practicing "Subtle Sabotage" and probably doesn't even realize it. I have a different kind of relationship with my honey - we come right out and say things like "Hey!! Back off!!" and then go on to explain what we are feeling and why. Guess that comes from so many combined years of counseling - LoL!! I'm wondering if you simply came out and gently said something about how his actions are making you feel? You said it so eloquently in your post!!