What to do about food-police-nazi-husband?

Tracy, Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. Part of the problem is that I get so irritated or upset, embarresed or whatever, that I fly off the handle in response to his "policing" me. I should probably tell him at another moment. It's like my eating bothers him as much as his comment bothers me. He doesn't want me fatter, so why would he be be sabotaging me? I have told him to back off and have been mad about it. Anyway! I will work on how I handle this in the future. Again, thank you!

Kimberly, Wow, this is a biggie. My husband gives me "are you stuffing yourself again"? And yes, I do find myself sneaking food. He finds dried up French fries in the car and I'm busted. However, it hasn't stopped me yet. I just come back at him and calmly ask him how many cigarettes he smoked today. Food is the worst addiction of all because you just can't stop eating. It comes down to choices and therein lies the problem. Back-up regroup and start all over again. You have support here on this board. Your husband loves you and is concerned about you but he has to realize that he can't control what anyone else does. Be patient with him and try to let it go in one ear and out the other just like it probably does when you tell him to mind his own business. You have come so far and you look great. You are not alone, especialy in the nazi-control freak husband department. Count on your fellow bansters and banster wannabes to help you, just like you are doing now, and get rid of those Little Debbies, they aint all that. lol, Phyllis

Unfortunately, he doesn't have any addictions except to Nova's! I have nothing to "rib" him about. Your right, choices, that's the bottom line. I love your post, I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone and YOUR out there! And I'm sure my husband would be THRILLED to know that he's not the only nazi-control-freak-husband out there!!!!!! Hugs and lol, Kim

Wow - what a tough position to be in. I hate to admit this, but I would be doing the same thing as you! I was lucky in that my husband asked me what I needed from him, specifically if I wanted him to be the food police for me & I told him that if he did it would only make me turn more towards food as an "oh yeah -- I'll show him how much I can eat!" food binge. In his defense, he probably thinks he is helping you -- until you tell him that what he is doing is actually sabotaging your efforts, he probably thinks it is as simple as "she wants to lose weight, by eating "X amount" she won't succeed in losing at this meal, so I'll nicely remind her." Of course having lived with the food demons we can all see how his method is instead sabotaging you. Gently let him know that it is demeaning to be scolded about how much food you can eat - you're a grown woman afterall who has had tremendous success so far. And as much as he has been a part of your weight loss journey, the journey is YOURS, not his, and you need to do it on your terms. I don't know if you voice your aggravations about your weight loss or any stalls to him, but why not make an agreement with him that, atleast for now, you won't use him as a sounding board for your aggravation over any stalls if he agrees not to make any comments about what he thinks might be creating the stalls? Agree that as far as he in concerned you are happy at your current weight and that you are a regular person who is allowed to eat a cookie when she wants and who is allowed to enjoy food at a special luncheon. The band afterall is a surgery that allows us to make these choices! Let the rest of your journey belong to you -- come here for support or look to friends and family. I would separate food as an issue or topic of discussion with him completely until you are back to being in a better place, where you don't feel the need to hide food anymore. I am so glad you have an appointment tomorrow. I am not one to support hiding things from your spouse - but if you feel that his opinions of the therapy will belittle its importance to you, I wouldn't tell him yet. You sound like you're at a vulnerable point right now. Get some strength back and then let him know, after you have proven to yourself that the therapy has helped. Trust that he really is trying to help you, he just doesn't know how. Good luck with this -- it must be tough, but you can get through it. Kristin J

hi, i really liked kristin's post!! this is YOUR journey and not HIS. who gave him permission to be the food police? even if you did in the beginning, which i am not sure of, you can take away this "appointment", as it is not working. it is okay to say this is not working for me and if he does want to help you , for now, it will be to let you do your jouney alone. if he cannot let go, then a marriage counselor is in order, because at that point, if he cannot respect you, and that is what this translate to, he needs help. if he cannot put himself aside to let you do your own journey, then we are talking also about control issues...his. good luck, sally

Sally, thank you. I agree, Kristin makes great points. I certainly didn't give him permission to monitor my every bite. Let alone POLICE this journey. I do agree...and thank you....you are right as well. THANK YOU! Kim

Kristin! Thanks for your response hon. That's exactly what I've done....I'll show him how much I can can eat...and it's only hurt me. It's all about choices, and I'm making poor ones, based on hurting him! How lame is that! Your right! He DOES think he's helping me. Thi IS my journey, he has been there for me. Trust me, we rarely discuss food food. He speaks as a result of my eating something. Consequently, I hide food or to eat. I'm not really hiding therapy from him, I just ran out of time to tell him before my appointment!!! I intend on telling him, I just want to be in a better place than I am right now. Your right, he doesn' tknow how to help. Thank you so much, your words mean a lot. Kim

Kimberly, First good for you getting help. As for the hubby, he sounds very controling and manipulative by using agressive comments (and I hope he doesn't physically hurt you!) , passive or otherwise to control you. He (probably) is threatened by your weightloss and that's his issues. You are an adult and don't need to be motherd .... errrr.... fathered by him. Be strong and bare you soul to the Doctor. Good luck! Oh, and get PO'd and go throw out those snacks. You don't really want them. It's a reaction to "feeling" crappy. No need to put crappy food in your mouth to try and make yourself feel better. I'd give your hubby one STERN warning if he were mine "Honey, if you attempt to or do humiliate me again in public you won't be happy with it." ... then if he does it again be ready for a retort.... Him: "Don't you have any restriction?" You: "No, did you remember to wax your hairy back today, you know how that annoys me!"

My former partner used to say that it was ok for me to eat openly (I used to be secret snacker/binger) but then if I did eat something like a chocolate bar - I would get the "do you really have to eat that?" conversation and a whole heap of other stuff. Did I mention that my ex was alcoholic? But I wasn't allowed to mention that!! Yeah, right. This was all pre-band. I left my partner last year before I was banded and now have a new partner who simply loves me as I am - fat or thin - and *****ally truly does not have an issue with what I eat. I tried and tried with my ex - when we weren't eating, when we were, how it pushed all the wrong buttons for me. And yes, I got the reassurances that it wouldn't happen again and how it was only because of a desire to make sure I was healthy.... For me, none of it worked. I wish I had taken more drastic action earlier. I'm not saying you should leave! But perhaps something big has to happen before he will be prepared to change HIS behaviour. On the other hand, you can also work on not allowing his actions to control you. Going into therapy is a really brave, courageous and healthy thing to do. Good for you. take care Charlotte

Kim from the other side of the coin. First off Sorry you are having this trouble. Main thing with men is to be selective about when you are submissive. Don't get hurt when it happens get ticked and channel that energy into telling him what you want. Women often get tied up in saying what they feel and that tends to pass right through a mans head and not stick at all. Give him a list of demands and concequences, then if he does not respond enact the cancequences. Remember untimately you whear the paints in the relationship even if he thinks he does. If none of this sounds helpfull, well then maybee a counsolor is needed. To me relationships are cut and dry either support and provide for each other or get out. The only way that works is if the couple is straight forward with each other even blunt if need be. Good luck, sounds like a tough spot.