What to do about food-police-nazi-husband?

Kim, First off I send you a big ole' "oh, sweetie" hug. ( I need those sometimes myself ) I feel you on this one. My husband is 19 years my senior and is a marathon runner to boot. I don't run unless being chased! I got the same comments. . . Wow Honey were you that hungry, Wow you need a fill, My goodness I didn't think you could eat that much. He hid food from me and counted things as your husband is doing, Hr has even gone so far as to take something I was eating away from me and THROW IT AWAY. I wanted to rip his arms off and beat him with them! I suddenly understood one day that he was fueling my closet eating and causing me to feel shame about eating thus getting depressed and eating every chance I got when I no longer felt full. All while he wasn't home. I felt like I was starving when he was home. I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could have an OATMEAL CREAM PIE!!!!!!!! I dreamed of them! I had a "come to Jesus meeting" with him and at the end he understood that thought he thought he was helping me, he was really hurting me. My feelings and my habits. I am sure your husband feels he's doing the same thing. I have been in therapy even before surgery but have began to address my "issues" regarding my eating. My Hubby isn't a therapy kind of guy either. Who can damn us for trying to help ourselves for the better? This is not just a physical health issue it's a mental health issue as well and I hope he can come to understand this. Let him know the IMPACT his behavior has on yours. Kim you have to also remember that what you have accomplished is no small feat! You've lost a teenaged girl for goodness sakes! I applaud you on your choice to see a therapist! It has made the biggest impact on my success! You are human Kim, please remember that. Keep your chin up sweetie! Kristi

kristi, I just wanted you to know your post could have come from me - I dream about them as well!

Kim, I know the comments your DH makes are not welcomed and most of the reply's here remind you that this is your journey. However, try to also remember that while we can all sit back from afar and read small snip-it's of what is going on.....your DH has been there with you through it all. Try to remember that you've lost ALOT of weight and he's been there as you've done it. He's seen the pride it brings out in you, the joy and the happiness. And now since having the slips/unfills/refills/ etc...he's also noticed the struggle and reappearance of some die hard habits. Personally, losing it is so much harder than putting it on. And being I know this isn't a situation where you married an unkind, abusive, controlling man.......he's most likely just worried about you. He's been there with you through this whole thing....he's watched you struggle to lose weight and battle those awful demons that reside inside. And unfortunately, as a man he probably just lacks the ability to express his worry and concern in a manner that is more productive than not. As for the therapy....you know how I feel about that. And if going without telling him about it at this time is what you need to do...then so be it. The remarks he makes should be addressed and I think your exactly right in that there is a time and place for everything. You want him as your support buddy not your enemy and if you go much longer without having a chat with him on this issue....the two of you are going to end up at war. The weight loss battle is one that's going to last a very long time. Perhaps the rest of your life in some form or fashion.....so take the time to address this with him in a manner so that he knows how important his support of you is. Be honest and get it all out there....let him know that although you are the strong woman he married.......this is one area in life where you need his help. (Men just love to help us) Let him know you need his HELP, and not policing....point out the difference because bless their hearts they sometimes don't know. And most importantly....stay honest with yourself. Is he really the one your angry with? On a personal note: My DH is very supportive and has been there with me through this whole thing. Once Dr. S released me for exercise DH began this little habit. He'd walk in the door every afternoon and after a quick kiss he'd say one of two things....How was your workout today? OR.....Did you workout today? Being I was newly banded and wanted to do everything just right and was all gung-ho...my answer, always with a smile was..Well yes I did OR....My workout was fantastic, I added more weights, I ran longer, I took such and such time off of my run....blah blah blah. THEN.....as time passed, I cut back on my workouts for one reason or another. Some we're legitimate....injuries, flu. But some we're just plain ole' me being lazy butt. I noticed that on those day's, although nothing he did changed.....my attitude towards his inquiries did. On those day's it felt very much like he was questioning me, judging me, policing me. One day after I had gone for several days without working out.....he came in the door and as always gave me a kiss and a "did you have a good workout today" and I EXPLODED. I went into this big ole lecture on how Mr. Perfect blah blah blah, yackity yack, how dare you question my workout schedule, who died and made you my warden. LOL (I can laugh at myself now, but when I did it I really hurt his feelings) Not until afterward did I truly realize that I was angry at ME for not doing what I knew I should be doing and each day when he'd ask I was faced with telling the truth not only to him but to myself. So my final advice after writing this book of a response to you is this... Talk to your man.....you chose him for a reason, he's the same person you fell in love with, he's a good man otherwise you wouldn't have married him.....and be honest when asking him to help you with this without criticizing or judging and help him learn how to do that. He probably thinks the remarks are helping because it's the only way he knows.....tell him what you need from him and I bet he gives it to you. Take care my friend...... Kay

your posts means a lot to me as I see myself as well. thank you for bringing some things more to my attentiona and letting me see they were not my fault (completely).

Hey Kim, I just had to reply. I am whole-heartedly for the therapy route - looking into it now for myself. I didn't get this way overnight and I didn't get my brain banded. My husband is a sweetie - the most I get out of him is an occasional "don't over-do it". My mom, on the other hand, is the food police. She's a nurse. She's never had a weight problem. To my knowlege she has only ever eaten the occasional boiled egg or bowl of cereal and basically lives on cigarettes, grapefruit juice and coffee. Ask me how her ulcer is. Anyway - she has been on my back about food since birth. I finally got up the nerve to point out to her that 37 years of monitoring every bite taken in her presence hasn't done any good so let it go. She got very offended and told me how she only wants what's best for me and so on. I asked her when she's going to quit smoking. I asked her wouldn't that be the same thing if every time she brought a cigarette to her lips someone was watching and pointing out how bad that was for her - and at least food is a basic human need, cigarettes are not. She gave the whole nicotine is addictive speech and I told her that food is too and you can NOT go cold turkey on it. We're at an impass but I'm to the point that when she mentions whatever is going in my mouth, I'm going to pull out a water pistol and douse her cigarette. I believe she believes she is helping but let's get real - the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. BTW - is Dr. Fox a Dallas area surgeon? Could you email me about having your band repositioned? Thanks, Laura

Hi Kimberly, I understand your plight not because my SO is the food police; he is quite the opposite! He would drive for miles and miles to get me anything I want to eat because he feels that I eat so little that if I want anything that I should have it. He has started eating the high protein-low carb way, actually he decided the whole family would eat that way and he has lost 31 lbs. and my son has lost 14 lbs. and then he started working out with me The only thing he watches me on is not drinking after meals for 2 hours which I need! He used to use a particuliar word that I found very offensive and hurtful (even though that wasn't his intention, in his upbringing it was considered "normal"). I was torn because I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but I couldn't cope with the pain from the word I had tried so many times to tell him not to say but he continued to say. While reading Secrets to Lasting Love from Gary Smalley (IMHO a must read!) I found an excercise that dramatically changed our relationship and I will be grateful forever for learning this lesson. An excerpt from this book (page 84 and 85 - all typos are mine regarding the excercise follows: "What is an emotional word picture? As I wrote in the The Language of Love, a concise definition would be something like this: "An emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person." Other names for this technique might be "exteneded metaphors" or "figurative language." In word pictures, you can put important facts about your feelings into familiar frameworks and common analogies so that your mate can relate to them instantly. For example, here's a word picture from a woman describing her happiness in her marriage: "My husband treats me like a roomful of priceless antiques. He walks in, picks me up, and holds me with great care and tenderness. I often feel like I am the most precious thing in our home. He saves the best hours and his best effort for me, not the television." Often, the most powerful word pictures can describe pain or struggle because they often have the power to make a mate wake up and immediately see the pain in his or her partner's heart. Consider this word picture from an unfulfilled wife: "When I was first married, I felt like a beautiful, handcrafted, leather-bound, gold-trimmed book that had been presented to my hunsband as a gift from God. At first I was received with great enthusiasm and excitement--cherished, talked about shared with others, and handled with care. As time has gone by, I've been put on the bookshelf to collect dust. Once in a while he remembers I'm here. But if he would only take me off the shelf and open me up! If only he'd see how much more I have to offer him!" What power words can hold! Properly presented, they can paint an absolutely credible picture of a person's heart. Suddenly, the fact of a neglected wife cannot be denied. When we convey facts through word pictures, we can grab our mate's attention and, more importantly, his or her heart and mind. We force the person to participate. Best of all, word pictures are like sharing facts: they convey meaning without being critical or accusatory. Word pictures diffuse criticism into an objective picture and allow a mate to understand facts and feelings without feeling criticized or accused." You brought up an important point that you tend to let him know his behavior is bothering you at bad times and without forethought. The best time to handle something difficult is when you have plenty of time and both are calm The first time I tried this excerices, I waited at least an hour after the offense (I was too mad to talk and made sure I was calm and took time to pray and then I asked him to come into the other room with me since he was in another room with my son. I sat down on the bed and he stood near the footboard, I said I need to say something and I am asking that you do not interupt me so I can say everything that I need to say and when I am finished you can say whatever you want. I asked him to envision a heart, a very healthy heart that is working properly and is filled with love and compassion and loves to live. I explained that this is how I feel when things are right with us. Next, I asked him to picture that same heart with a chamber cut away from the rest of the heart, knife wounds throughout the rest of the heart and a knife sticking out of it (sorry if I'm gory that is what came to me so I went with it and explained that when he says ____ that is how he makes me feel, broken and deeply wounded. He stood there for several minutes and then said "Wow!" He later said that if I had told him again that I didn't want to hear that word that it would have essentially went in one ear and out the other but because I came to him calmly and explained how his actions affected me in this way he would promise to never do it again and he apoligized for the way he hurt me. He hasn't said that word ever again or anything similiar. Definitely throw out those little debbies because you are then giving him the power to make you a prisoner to your weight (you are the one that will have to walk a lot of miles to work them off not him!) and your eating habits which is why you chose this journey in the first place to finally be free of a lifetime of diets and living in defeat. You have done an awesome job and you will continue to succeed, you had a small setback and soon you and your hubby will continue to enjoy your journey. You might want to remind him of the ways that he has helped you in your journey, thank him for his efforts, and tell him specifically how his efforts made you feel i.e. worthy, special, loved. You got some wonderful advice, use it to the fullest. I wish you the best! Have a wonderfully blessed day, Amber