ot - relationship advice please!
I agree and I disagree.
I agree you should not have to give up on something you want so bad. But if its the kind of love you think it is... you cant just walk away. I am not saying throw away you ideas of being a mother. But we have ALL said and done things while mad, hence you breaking up with him. There was a fight before hand right?
Let me share my story....
My hubby and I have known one another for years!! He got divorced from his 1st wife after the death of their son, he passed away from SIDS. But that was not why they divorced it was just icing on the cake.
I left a BAD BAD BAD relationship. We started dating, he didnt want more kids, the pain of finding his baby son dead was far to much to risk again. I could understand, and I didnt mind I never saw myself as the mother type (Mostly cause I didnt respect my mom).
Two months into our 'relationship' you guessed right, I was with child. He was in MN cause his grandfather passed away the day after christmas of 2001. I called to tell him, he was kinda freaking out. But after the services and talking with his grandmother she asked him one thing.
"Hun, can you see anyone else you want to sleep next too? Wake up with, your cry for in your life?"
He told her, "No grandma Kat is the only person I can feel myself loving like this ever..."
He got home, we were married in July of 2002, our son was born September 2002. Almost 8 years later here I am...
Am I the best mom, good lord no... Is he a good dad, the best right next to my daddy.
So Jen, can you see anyone else in your life but the man your with?
I agree you should not have to give up on something you want so bad. But if its the kind of love you think it is... you cant just walk away. I am not saying throw away you ideas of being a mother. But we have ALL said and done things while mad, hence you breaking up with him. There was a fight before hand right?
Let me share my story....
My hubby and I have known one another for years!! He got divorced from his 1st wife after the death of their son, he passed away from SIDS. But that was not why they divorced it was just icing on the cake.
I left a BAD BAD BAD relationship. We started dating, he didnt want more kids, the pain of finding his baby son dead was far to much to risk again. I could understand, and I didnt mind I never saw myself as the mother type (Mostly cause I didnt respect my mom).
Two months into our 'relationship' you guessed right, I was with child. He was in MN cause his grandfather passed away the day after christmas of 2001. I called to tell him, he was kinda freaking out. But after the services and talking with his grandmother she asked him one thing.
"Hun, can you see anyone else you want to sleep next too? Wake up with, your cry for in your life?"
He told her, "No grandma Kat is the only person I can feel myself loving like this ever..."
He got home, we were married in July of 2002, our son was born September 2002. Almost 8 years later here I am...
Am I the best mom, good lord no... Is he a good dad, the best right next to my daddy.
So Jen, can you see anyone else in your life but the man your with?
God bless our troops
Everyone on here has given you extremely sound advice. I am a 47 year old male with no kids and I can tell you that the fact that he is unsure if he wants kids really means he doesn't really want them. I don't know this man but it sounds like he has a lot on his plate already and he isn't trying to add children to it. You are better off cutting your loses and moving on as one person has already stated. I realize you are young so you may think you cant get over this but you can . If you cut your loses now it will be better than suffering worse losses later. I am sure he is probably not a bad guy but that isn't really an issue here. You both have different goals and based on the parent issue alone you are not compatible with each other. Cut your loses now and be grateful that you did. It may sound cold but if you learn to cut your loses now you will be good at it in the future when it become"necessary" in the future as well with other men. Life is about choices and the best choices to me are made with your mind . Sometimes you have to put your heart to the side and make a rational decision. You are to young to have to settle for a man that doesnt want kids. Your kids deserve a father that is sure he wants them.....trust me on that
If you truly feel like being a mother is your calling in life (as I do most of the time), there is no way to compromise that with someone who doesn't want children.
If you feel like you could change your feelings, then maybe there is hope for your current relationship. Don't expect him to change though. It probably won't happen and you'll just be disappointed for the rest of your relationship.
Luckily, my husband wants to be a father nearly as much as I want to be a mother, despite us needing to always do IVF for a chance at a baby or looking into adoption (severe male factor infertility).
Bottom line: Find someone whose life goals match yours. You'll be much happier. And just in case you feel like you've been settling for this relationship because you can't get anyone else because you're too fat, remember that's changing, and you'll be getting more and more attention as time goes on. Who knows?? Mr. Right could be right around the corner.
Best of luck to you,
---Heather
If you feel like you could change your feelings, then maybe there is hope for your current relationship. Don't expect him to change though. It probably won't happen and you'll just be disappointed for the rest of your relationship.
Luckily, my husband wants to be a father nearly as much as I want to be a mother, despite us needing to always do IVF for a chance at a baby or looking into adoption (severe male factor infertility).
Bottom line: Find someone whose life goals match yours. You'll be much happier. And just in case you feel like you've been settling for this relationship because you can't get anyone else because you're too fat, remember that's changing, and you'll be getting more and more attention as time goes on. Who knows?? Mr. Right could be right around the corner.
Best of luck to you,
---Heather
Kids are overrated LOL I have three of them and trust me when I tell you they can make even the best relationship fall completely apart. Dont get me wrong I love them to death but if your man doesnt want them dont force him. Move on. dont think "well maybe one day he will change his mind. Not a good idea.
Anyway only you know whats best for you.
Anyway only you know whats best for you.
I agree with what most posters said, but I just want to add another light... You mentionned he has OCD...
I also have it, and I know making a decision for some of us is very difficult... It has to be THE PERFECT decision, because I fear making a mistake, and cannot live with it... And now he is facing many other problems... I suggest asking him to talk about it with his psychologist, or even go see a marital counselor together , to really explore why he doesn't want children. Maybe give him some more time... But not all life... If he discovers he REALLY don't want children, leave him and go on with your dreams...
I didn't want children because I feared not being the perfect mom... I managed to get over this fear,I have now two marvelous teenage boys, I am not perfect, neither is my husband, but I think we made a good job...
Just my opinion and experience... Good luck!
I also have it, and I know making a decision for some of us is very difficult... It has to be THE PERFECT decision, because I fear making a mistake, and cannot live with it... And now he is facing many other problems... I suggest asking him to talk about it with his psychologist, or even go see a marital counselor together , to really explore why he doesn't want children. Maybe give him some more time... But not all life... If he discovers he REALLY don't want children, leave him and go on with your dreams...
I didn't want children because I feared not being the perfect mom... I managed to get over this fear,I have now two marvelous teenage boys, I am not perfect, neither is my husband, but I think we made a good job...
Just my opinion and experience... Good luck!
I am just going to say, that if you do stick to your decision and split, there will most likely be a point where he comes back and says he's willing to have kids if that's what you want. Do not buy it! Willing to have kids because YOU want it, just means resenting YOU for the rest of your relationship.
I wanted to move back to where I was from, and my fiance didn't want to, we split, and he came back and said if it was what i wanted then it was what he wanted. We got married and got jobs in order and whatnot and moved......six months after moving he left me, saying he couldn't stand it and hated me for MAKING HIM MOVE. I was blown away since he came crawling back saying he wanted to, but in their mind they don't see it that way. They actually believe you are taking the choice away from them.
What I'm getting at, is that if they give in to what you want, they will never be ok with it, and most likely you and any child/children would suffer in one way or another.
Just my thoughts!
I wanted to move back to where I was from, and my fiance didn't want to, we split, and he came back and said if it was what i wanted then it was what he wanted. We got married and got jobs in order and whatnot and moved......six months after moving he left me, saying he couldn't stand it and hated me for MAKING HIM MOVE. I was blown away since he came crawling back saying he wanted to, but in their mind they don't see it that way. They actually believe you are taking the choice away from them.
What I'm getting at, is that if they give in to what you want, they will never be ok with it, and most likely you and any child/children would suffer in one way or another.
Just my thoughts!
Thank you so much, everyone, for your responses and your support!
Especially Salem, for sharing your struggles with OCD. If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to hear more about how you came to make the decision to have kids even though it could not have been the "perfect" decision. The way you described feeling is exactly how he is. I truly believe that his "not sure" actually means he's not sure (because to his OCD mind, he can never be sure ENOUGH)...not that he actually doesn't want to have kids but doesn't want to tell me that cuz I'll leave (I believe that because of the OCD and also because he is actually pathalogically honest - one of the many things I love about him). I also think he knows we won't be "perfect" parents - because who the hell can be a perfect parent? - and he's afraid of that. His dad also has major anxiety and has passed it on to him, and I'm sure that he's so afraid of passing it on to his child.
This is so hard, guys. I mean, I hear and agree with what the majority of you are saying. I absolutely cannot give up having kids. I can't. I know that I just can't be happy in my life without them. But leaving is so sad and scary...and his OCD/anxiety (and the fact that he's in treatment) give me something to blame for this issue - and hope that it can resolve.
I think I've pretty much decided that I'm going to move out. I mean, it's not going to be a scorched-earth kinda breakup - we still obviously love each other, and if he gets his **** together and wants to get back together, then, great, right? Fortunately, my mom lives nearby so I can move in there temporarily (even though it's so humiliating - my parents put me thru law school and I end up in their attic, unemployed, at 27?).
God, have you ever thought - I never thought my life would be like THIS?!
Especially Salem, for sharing your struggles with OCD. If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to hear more about how you came to make the decision to have kids even though it could not have been the "perfect" decision. The way you described feeling is exactly how he is. I truly believe that his "not sure" actually means he's not sure (because to his OCD mind, he can never be sure ENOUGH)...not that he actually doesn't want to have kids but doesn't want to tell me that cuz I'll leave (I believe that because of the OCD and also because he is actually pathalogically honest - one of the many things I love about him). I also think he knows we won't be "perfect" parents - because who the hell can be a perfect parent? - and he's afraid of that. His dad also has major anxiety and has passed it on to him, and I'm sure that he's so afraid of passing it on to his child.
This is so hard, guys. I mean, I hear and agree with what the majority of you are saying. I absolutely cannot give up having kids. I can't. I know that I just can't be happy in my life without them. But leaving is so sad and scary...and his OCD/anxiety (and the fact that he's in treatment) give me something to blame for this issue - and hope that it can resolve.
I think I've pretty much decided that I'm going to move out. I mean, it's not going to be a scorched-earth kinda breakup - we still obviously love each other, and if he gets his **** together and wants to get back together, then, great, right? Fortunately, my mom lives nearby so I can move in there temporarily (even though it's so humiliating - my parents put me thru law school and I end up in their attic, unemployed, at 27?).
God, have you ever thought - I never thought my life would be like THIS?!
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford
Weights: highest = 520; before pre-op diet = 510; day of surgery = 494; goal = >200
Check out my blog - My Life with Sleevey. And add me as a friend to see my pics!
Weights: highest = 520; before pre-op diet = 510; day of surgery = 494; goal = >200
Check out my blog - My Life with Sleevey. And add me as a friend to see my pics!
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