ot - relationship advice please!

Hey all - I really need some advice on a topic that's not weight loss related but I bet lots of you ladies can relate to (and men, if you have any advice, please also weigh in!). 

So, I've been with my boyfriend for three years, living together for two. I'm 27, he's 28. I've wanted to get married since we moved in together (that was kinda my idea of the whole "movin in" thing) but he's not 100% sure he wants kids so he won't commit, since he knows that kids are super-important to me (oh, you should know he has OCD, so he's not really comfortable just letting it be my way since it's clearly very important to me and not that important to him). He's actually said he WOULD probably want to get married if only it weren't for the kids issue. I can feel my clock ticking even though I'm still in my 20s because I have PCOS and am pretty sure it will take some time to conceive. I'm pretty sure he's thinking that if he has kids at all, it won't be until his late 30s at the earliest. Which is just not something I'm willing to consider. However, I think he's thinking that because NOW wouldn't be a good time for us to have kids (obvs) - neither of us has a career that's really off the ground, so we're poor, and he's dealing with some pretty rough personal stuff right now (his parents are divorcing, he just started having panic attacks and is in therapy for anxiety), PLUS, there's the obvious weight-loss factor - I want to be pretty settled near goal weight so I can be maximally healthy when I get pregnant. 

So ANYWAY - this evening I broke up with him (sorta...it's really not that easy when you live together). I've been struggling with this for so long and felt like it's really come to an issue of our goals not matching up. But we're such a good couple in pretty much every way except this one. And I love him SO MUCH. But I've gotten so bitter and resentful over this issue that we're both miserable. And yes, I've tried to change my own bitter attitude but I just can't. I feel like he's withholding from me the only thing I've always really wanted in my life (being a mom). 

So there it is. I know there have to be some of you with some advice on this situation, so let me have it!

Puppy... I want more and more kids, I have a 3 year old who was unplanned and i love her. I am not the kid type... so this time around i just felt this urge for more kids but don't want a mess and my husband really doesnt want another. So I went out and bought a 2500$(got her for less but akc form says more because of blood lines) Chihuahua to breed and love as a baby. She is carried around and spoiled and she isn't loud or messy, she is smart and guess what? I no longer have a baby need! As I type she is in my lap sleeping and she loves just being there, she makes both hubby and I laugh daily for hours! She sleeps alot like a baby and she loves to sit in my purse and go go go! She wont get any bigger than 4lbs and her paws are super super tiny.

If you make the perfect couple get the dog and avoid the college medical providing thing for a human being, get a companion who wont judge and always loves.

can we say spoiled rotten baby?

Honestly, children are one of those core values/needs/desires that I would not budge on, and couldn't be with someone if our core values/needs/desires didn't match up, or at least some sort of compromise could be reached between the two of us. I just couldn't sacrifice one of those core values just because everything else was good to great.

You deserve nothing but the very best. Personally, I think you did the best thing for your future. My very best friend stayed with her boyfriend for 8 years in hopes of him changing his mind on marriage. She then got pregnant while on the pill, and having been told that she would never conceive due to several female issues. Least to say, she ended the relationship a few months after the baby was born, and she is in a better place today than she was when she was in a relationship that didn't and would never fulfill her life long desire to marry and have children.

My theory is that it's better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable.

Jenny-
I absolutely think you are doing the right and brave thing.  If you want to get married and have kids, if that is what is most important to you, then you should have it with someone who wants those things too.  The last thing you would want is to have a child/children with someone who doesn't truly want that and will maybe even resent it later.  That would not be fair to you, your child, or him.

You are focusing on your health now which not only includes your phsical health and losing weight, but your mental and emotional health as well.  You deserve to have all the things you want from life!  If the two of you are going down different paths, I thinks it's best to let him go his way, and you follow your own path.

I couldnt agree more with pippin and USAF Wife. I put my needs and want for a baby on hold for 11 years!!! My ex husband (then husband) wanted to wait. We waited on getting the house.. getting married.. college degree.. so on .. finally he says we can start trying juneish of next year. He told me this nov. By xmas eve he was telling me he wanted a divorce. So I had waited and waited for him for nothing. (And salt in the wound.. His new gf was pregnant in Jan before my divorce was final and he got remarried a month after the divorce)

Think long and hard about what you need/want out of life.

 Maybe I'm old fashioned...... The most valuable thing in the world is a child. And in this day and age with all the modern day challenges a child needs every advantage possible. This means at the very least a loving family and two parents. Sure there are modern day variations of this.... But you get what I mean. I'm a firm believer that a child should the extention of the love between two people.

We all have friends or know people who got married for the wrong reasons or have children for not the right reasons.

Rushing to have a child because your gonna be 35 is not a good enough reason to have a child.(in my opinion) If it's not a proper situation. Having a child because your gonna be 35 and divorced at 37 with a child is not a good thing.

This is my opinion.....

 

frisco

Well I know we havent agreed on everything on OH, but this I totally see your point. My main goal in life is to be a dad. If my girl didnt want to be a mom, I would have to move on. Even though I love her so much I dont know how I can tie my shoes in the morning without her, I just couldnt do it. We got one shot at life, thats it. We dont know if its going to end tomorrow or 50 years from now, so you got to do what you need to do in life. I need to be a dad, you need to be a mom. Find someone that thinks that same way, they're out there. Dont give up on your career though. Get some training, meet a good hard working guy that wants kids. Thats the main thing now though, dont settle for any dude that dont want kids. Also look at guys that would make good dads, like ones that work and are professional in what they do. They'll set a good example for little Jenny A. Good luck to you on this, I hope it works out for you. You should be having guys all over you in no time anyways. You're doing very well 161 lbs!

I hate to sound so "meant to be" but I truly believe that if this was the right relationship for you then you'd both be on the same page and you'd have the same goals in life.  There wouldn't be a struggle to make things work because things would just fall into place.

My DH was married for twelve years prior to our marriage and the issues they had in the first year of their relationship (prior to marriage, even) are the issues that caused their divorce years later.

You cannot force a relationship.  If you do, you'll both regret it in the end.

You cannot change your partner.  If you can't be yourself you're going to be unhappy.

It's hard to cut your losses and move on, especially when you live together.  But sometimes the best thing to do is accept that you're headed in different directions and move on.

You sound like you already know what you need to do, but might be reluctant to actually do it, and there's no shame in that.   Don't waste your time changing your own wants and desires to suit those of your partner, because you'll just wind up unhappy in the end.

~CLK

I've gotta agree with everyone else.... he's following a completely different map for life than you are.  And people don't change--if anything, they get more set in their ways as they get older, and waiting around for a man (or anyone for that matter) to change is a waste of your precious time.   I know it's extremely difficult to walk away from a long-term relationship, even when you know it's the right thing to do.  Kinda like this surgery was, right?  Fear of the unknown, such a huge life-change, but something you knew you needed to do for yourself and your future.  Sounds like this is pretty much the same thing.   Just like you don't want to be 40 and saying "Gee, I wish I could have had WLS 15 years ago," (like me and so many of us here), you don't want to be in the same position at 40, childless, unhappy, thinking "If only...."  You can shape your own future!

I am married to a man who didnt want children.  I am a person who believes that if you dont want to be married, or have children, then dont do it, cuz its hard enough some days when its all you have ever wanted.

That being said - it seems like a deal breaker with you.   I thought it wasnt a deal breaker and making a choice between handsomeface and finding someone who cared to reproduce, I chose him.

I went thru a period of time where I was resentful as hell.  I didnt tell him, or show him, cuz Its not like *he* changed the rules.  I got my attitude straightened out, taught Children's ministry so I could have my fill of the snotty tiny folk, and the new bakes, and got my mental **** together and my attitude straightned out.  Now, when we are "parenting" the dogs, I realize how insanely miserable it would be parenting with him, cuz while I am a hard ass about what the guidelines are - we have a really good time in between those lines.  He is really on the autistic scale and while I am not saying that to color a whole group of people, with him and "behaving" so much is black OR white, no room for anything and I realize that would probably get in our way of our relationship if we were parents. 

Anyway, I had always wanted to be a mom too.  I chose my husband, because he really is my best of all friend.  He treats me better than anyone else in the world ever has and doesnt just tell me he loves me, but shows me a zillion times a day, in practical ways.  I see some folks whose husbands are fine with "letting" them get pregnant as much as they care to, but arent available to my friends, arent available for their children, or responsible for much.  Men *****fer to watching their children as "babysitting" ya know?  Ones who just finally say okay to shut the women up and get them off their backs - but I can see disdain on hard days, on days when you know they never asked for this and it ****** them off to *have* to be involved.

Not that everyone is like that - I am just telling you about my small world.  I, for a little bit, mourned a future I never had, but I am honestly incredibly satisfied with the life I have, and the future that is mine. 

If you cant change your attitude now, its just gonna get worse girlie, once you are married.  Cuz things change, no matter *HOW LONG* you have been together, after you get married.  In my case, it was much  much for the better, but that isnt always the case.  Being married kinda makes you more of who you already were.

So, you have my deepest sympathies.  Its not easy to give up the known for an unknown, but its not easy to live now and regret and mourn a future that you cannot have, and become old, ugly and bitter in your heart.   Nothing is worth that, if you have a choice.

And you do.