What was your funniest dictation?

I've had quite a few funny dictations. My favorite two were: * Actually this one is both sad and funny. I typed an OP note about this poor person who wanted to end his life. The preoperative diagnosis was (and I'm not making this up): 1. Overdose of barbiturates. 2. Self-inflicted wrist slash wounds, bilateral. 3. Self-inflicted abdominal stab wound, right upper quadrant. 4. Self-inflicted chainsaw injury, left side of neck. The patient survived the attempts (praise God) and the surgery. I hope he went on to seek professional help because he certainly sounded determined. *My other favorite funny was the doctor who was dictating a DS which was actually a Death Note. However, as he went on and on, he went into "auto-pilot" and dictated that just before discharge, he went in and had a long conversation with the elderly patient who was propped up in bed looking depressed. [Actually she was already dead! -JH], and who was not really happy about having to go to the nursing home. She really didn't contribute much to the conversation [no kidding], but he got her to accept her situation [like she had a choice!]. I can't remember what all he said--it was about 15-20 minutes of absolute hilarity. I was typing in-house in the hospital then and it was my neighbor MT who was typing the report. She'd type a sentence, giggle, and read it out loud. By the end, we were all running to the bathroom for a quick Lasix break (even those who didn't use Lasix!). So what are your funny stories?

Funny dictation from today: The patient is to continue on Climara transdermal patch 0.0375 mg p.o. once a week. Now, don't you KNOW that those patches make for some TOUGH chewing...let alone swallowing. I typed a report on a patient named "Derry Ayre." The physician I was typing for was laughing so hard after he said the patient's name, he had to come back later to finish the dictation. Another time, I was transcribing a report for a rather "snooty" physician. All of a sudden, I heard water running in the background. Couldn't figure out what it was until.......I heard the toilet flush. LOL What some doctors do while dictating is beyond me. But the funniest one I transcribed was on a patient who was homicidal. She wanted to kill her husband and her best friend since grade school. Seems the husband was leaving the patient for the best friend. Well, come to find out, the patient and best friend were really lovers. During the dictation, the physician referred to them as "breast friends," and then started laughing, exclaiming his "Freudian slip." Ahhhhh.....we are SO easily entertained, aren't we?

Yes we are certainly an entertained bunch!! I bet we all played with the box instead of the toy inside on Christmas mornings too when we were toddlers!

I'm a newbie. I have only been doing it for about two weeks and so far I have just transcribed for a Indian Rheumatologist. Now how she talks is funny to me. I have trouble understanding her accent. Like when she dictates her ordered lab she will say them as Hatchy which is her H and Ene is how she shes says E. Oh here is something funny. I don't know all the lab procedures yet so she is always throwing in a new one and I get it wrong the first time. So today she dictated that she was ordering a SMAC for the patient. I did not type SMAC I typed smack like it sounds. She brought me the dication and said "Mercy, we do not smack our patients".

One of the funniest things I came across was when I was doing QA work on work that came back from India. The MT had put The patient had GI upset from "hollow peanuts." Should have been "jalapenos."

Oh yeah.... When I was QAing some work from India for a company I used to work for, there was one that read in the plan, "I put the patient in a box." It was supposed to be "I put the patient on Vioxx." LOL Too funny...... I bet that patient didn't appreciate being put into a box before his time.

Oh, this is a good thread! For some reason, the one that sticks in my mind is from way back in the late 70s or early 80s during the disco craze, and a patient came into the ER after an auto accident with a large sausage taped to his upper inner thigh under his stretch gold lame pants, apparently trying hard to impress the ladies with his, um, size. I remember the ER doc going into great deatil about the taping job, where it was applied, how the guy hadn't shaved his leg first, and how they removed it, as if it was a procedure report or something, all serious business and never a snicker... Then there was the woman wandering the streets of San Francisco naked; she told the police officer she was a German Shepherd, was married to the pope, was Jesus Christ, that she was naked because her wheels had fallen off, and that she needed some chili to eat. Just a normal day for the San Francisco PD, probably. I love doing ER notes! Kim

That's too funny about the sausage. What guys won't do to try to impress us, huh? When I worked at our local hospital (which I still do on a p.r.n. basis), we were forever getting men in the ER with foreign objects lodged in their rectums. What is up with that? I mean REALLY weird things....like candles and cucumbers.....I would be SO embarassed, those items would just have to stay their until the cows came home....whenever that is. LOL

Speaking of unusual items inserted in unusual places.....I typed an ER note about an elderly gentleman who had a glass TV tube up his bottom. He claimed it had been on the couch when he sat down. [Uh huh, I'll buy that.] It had created a vacuum effect when he tried to pull it out and he was afraid of it breaking. Acutally my big question for these people who have unusual items inserted into unusual places is how do they drive in their car to get to the ER?? Now that is what I want to really hear about! Enquiring minds want to know.....