OT: Very tough day for me
Today is a very tough day for me... and I am not typically one to get publicly emotional, but I need support badly today friends. I am sorry, but this is going to be long and might not be G-rated and I apologize for that.
Today is my best friend Mimi's birthday. She would have been 23. I met her in 3rd grade (she was in 2nd) and we were friends ever since.
On Feb. 27, 2005, Mimi died from a rare case of cancer. She suffered a lot for a year... we all suffered. I spent almost every day taking care of her and trying to make her last days joyful... praying to God to put her out of her misery. We would joke around about the afterlife, eat lots of her favorite Truffle chocolates (she would always say, "If I'm going to die... it might as well be death by chocolate.") and do whatever we could to get her mind off the pain.
Her pain was horrible... she described it as feeling like a ton of weight pushing down on her body. The cancer was in the neck - grade 4. It spread downwards, paralyzing her body from the neck down. As it moved upwards, it paralyzed her senses until it cut off her breathing, which lead to her death.
Her family and I celebrate her birthday today... but 3 years later, I can't stop crying until I choke... I am so ******g angry! I am so angry that a person can be taken from a life-loving athletic, smart person to a person who takes 33 pills a day for pain, can't walk, can't feed herself... can't do anything. I am so ******g mad... I can't even express my hate for whatever it is that caused this to happen. I hate cancer with all my heart and soul and the mix of rage and sadness that I feel is indescribable.
I don't mean to get anyone down... but today is a very HARD day for me. I am an optimist and know that she is happy in heaven, but damn it, I am not happy about the way she suffered.
Anyway, I just needed to type this out because talking about it to anyone in person is too hard to bare. I get off work at about 11pm tonight and will head to the cemetery where I do most of my venting.
Thanks all for listening and I am slightly begging you for an uplifting reply. No matter how small, it will really help get me through today.
Today is my best friend Mimi's birthday. She would have been 23. I met her in 3rd grade (she was in 2nd) and we were friends ever since.
On Feb. 27, 2005, Mimi died from a rare case of cancer. She suffered a lot for a year... we all suffered. I spent almost every day taking care of her and trying to make her last days joyful... praying to God to put her out of her misery. We would joke around about the afterlife, eat lots of her favorite Truffle chocolates (she would always say, "If I'm going to die... it might as well be death by chocolate.") and do whatever we could to get her mind off the pain.
Her pain was horrible... she described it as feeling like a ton of weight pushing down on her body. The cancer was in the neck - grade 4. It spread downwards, paralyzing her body from the neck down. As it moved upwards, it paralyzed her senses until it cut off her breathing, which lead to her death.
Her family and I celebrate her birthday today... but 3 years later, I can't stop crying until I choke... I am so ******g angry! I am so angry that a person can be taken from a life-loving athletic, smart person to a person who takes 33 pills a day for pain, can't walk, can't feed herself... can't do anything. I am so ******g mad... I can't even express my hate for whatever it is that caused this to happen. I hate cancer with all my heart and soul and the mix of rage and sadness that I feel is indescribable.
I don't mean to get anyone down... but today is a very HARD day for me. I am an optimist and know that she is happy in heaven, but damn it, I am not happy about the way she suffered.
Anyway, I just needed to type this out because talking about it to anyone in person is too hard to bare. I get off work at about 11pm tonight and will head to the cemetery where I do most of my venting.
Thanks all for listening and I am slightly begging you for an uplifting reply. No matter how small, it will really help get me through today.
Oh Elena I am so sorry you and your friend had to endure such a horrible disease. I will keep you in my prayers that you find some peace today! Cancer is a very very ugly disease and it hurts many more people than just the ones who actually have it. I lost a brother to leukemia at only 40 yrs old...it was horrible. It's so hard to see someone so young suffer so much. Just reading this brought tears to my eyes. She was a very very lucky lady to have such a wonderful friend!! Vent away girl...sit back and remember some happy times with her not just the suffering. Big hugs to you today!
I have heard bits and pieces about your friend. Having lost some very close friends of my own I know how deep the pain is, and I know how simple things can trigger memories, and how memories can trigger emotions you wish would go away. The fact that time does heal means very little when the pain is real, but it's a truth you can claim eventually, then you will discover how you will be able to reach out to others who have more recently discovered similar pain. The day I learned that my very close friend Casey had died, YOU were there for me and that meant more than you will ever know (and Lori P too)...
Words don't mean that much I know, but know that I am thinking about you and you will get through this. I know you have spent time with Mimi's family. That speaks volumns because just being around you will bring comfort to those whose hearts are also burning.
Sometimes internal pain sucks more than physical pain, and you would gladly exchange your insides for some real pain....the pain you have now has no medication...except for time. Hang in there my friend....big hugs to you!
P
Words don't mean that much I know, but know that I am thinking about you and you will get through this. I know you have spent time with Mimi's family. That speaks volumns because just being around you will bring comfort to those whose hearts are also burning.
Sometimes internal pain sucks more than physical pain, and you would gladly exchange your insides for some real pain....the pain you have now has no medication...except for time. Hang in there my friend....big hugs to you!
P
(((Elena)))
I had no idea at coffee today........There are no words, other than I'm here if you need anything.......My MIL also died of cancer, brain cancer, 3 years ago......We were angry at the pain she endured, and she was a proud women and was frustrated with needing help to do anything......It's hard on us here.....But just know Mimi is having the time of her life up there......She will always be with you in spirit, I truely believe those that leave us are always with us.........
Hang in there........Talking about it will help.....I myself want to get a punching bag for days where I'm upset about those I've lost.......
Talk to her Elena, she will hear you......Bring her a chocolate......Remember the good times.......Maybe journal your feelings.....And there's nothing wrong with a good cry.....
Hugs, Kelly
I had no idea at coffee today........There are no words, other than I'm here if you need anything.......My MIL also died of cancer, brain cancer, 3 years ago......We were angry at the pain she endured, and she was a proud women and was frustrated with needing help to do anything......It's hard on us here.....But just know Mimi is having the time of her life up there......She will always be with you in spirit, I truely believe those that leave us are always with us.........
Hang in there........Talking about it will help.....I myself want to get a punching bag for days where I'm upset about those I've lost.......
Talk to her Elena, she will hear you......Bring her a chocolate......Remember the good times.......Maybe journal your feelings.....And there's nothing wrong with a good cry.....
Hugs, Kelly
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