I'm home! ~ and Thank you for the support!!!

Don't want to start out by writing to scare anyone, or write for drama purposes, just need to share my experience...it is real and I'm not sure what I think yet today.....

I had my surgery on December 9th....and was supposed to be sent out the door the following evening by 7pm according to my surgeon.  I earlier had told him I didn't "feel quite right".  I was still there with my children sitting in the bed until 7:30 pm.  As soon as my kids left, I felt the need to finally have a bm.  I called the nurses "because I didn't feel right" and told them I had to try the bathroom.  I sat down on the toilet and all of a sudden my ears started buzzing, I felt the darkness enclosing and yelled for the nurses to help me, I was in the process of passing out.  They ran to grab my arms, and dropped me quickly back to the bed. ~ Thank God I didn't hit the floor!  They ran around me with rags trying to cool down my drastic sweats.  After the ringing in my ears stopped and I felt semi back to normal, I told them I STILL had to go, but couldn't get up.  I was offered the bed pan.  Something that seemed so concrete and ugly....and above all....you feel the loss of dignity (even though the nurses were wonderful and professional about it!).  So up came the bed pan and I started to go instantly.  I filled one full pan and needed another.  The nurses didn't comment, but something didn't seem right, something didn't feel right....so, one nurse left the room and came back and introduced the charge nurse...by this time I had 2 full bed pans.

In comes the Dr. and was checking in on me (to send me home).  He asked me why I was on the bed pan and not in the bathroom.....I  asked him what the hell he would like me to do considering that I had just about passed out on the floor. ~ He was silent and the nurses updated him on what was happening.   Here was where I learned that I had nothing but jello like blood coming out. He then told me that I had what was called a "G.I. bleed" that should have stopped on its own....and didn't.  What happens is they dissect the bowel down further and when they do, it will normally stop bleeding on its own...well....mine didn't.  He told me what to expect which didn't at the time sound bad.  It would just require monitoring of my vitals very closely and watching my blood count to make sure my hemoglobin didn't drop to low while we wait for the bleeding to stop.  He left the room and I continued on to bed pan number three.  They then informed me they were going to send me to the surgical progressive care unit so I would have closer monitoring.

After hearing that I started to feel my body collapse from the inside out.  I felt a horrible rush of loss of energy, my chest dropping, my brain becoming fuzzy, and then the close of my eyes.  The last thing I remember seeing was my blood pressure dropping to 54 over 36 and I begged the charge nurse to not let me die, I had a four and six year old at home I needed to live for.  I remember hearing one of the nurses gasping when I cried that out, then I heard one of the other nurses ask if she should ride on top of the cart in case I crash. ~ UGH!

From this point going forward I couldn't see, only feel in a "3rd sense of knowing" and hear, not respond by voice other then changing my breathing pattern or moaning....I remember feeling the rush of nurses from the unit I was on slamming up the bed rails, and running.  I was shoved in the elevator with what I felt to be 5 nurses and they informed my I was being sent to the ICU instead.  They shoved me down the hallway where I could feel my hair brushing along my face with the breeze.  They pulled me into the ICU unit and then I felt MORE people present, there were more then a dozen that I could feel flipping around me.  They switched me by backboard to the ICU bed.  I could hear them explaining to me what they were doing with each move they made, even though I was so sick....I didn't care in the least.  I had three of the nurses from my previous unit (recognized their voice) bend down with in inches of my face and very kindly soothed me before they backed away to go back to the other floor. 

I was so deflated and depleted that they couldn't get a vein to insert a desperately needed line.  I heard them trying to figure out where they were going to put it....I lucked out they finally got a good one and rushed a full bag of fluid through one arm line, and then in the other they straight shot 3 units of blood...they were desperate to get it in quickly so they added a blood pressure like cuff on the blood to pu**** in as fast as they could get it to go....(saw this when I was conscious enough to ask about it).  YUCK! ~ I was mentally awake until 5:30am, This was the point that I felt I was going to make it and could finally rest.

Later that morning I was stable enough that they took me back to the regular unit I had been on and I felt tons better.  I slept most of the next two days with the help of wonderful drugs! Thank God! 

I very slowly started to crawl out of the horrible stage I had been in, but still was sick to my stomach because I was still having the bloody stool...even though that was expected until it had cleared my system.

Every day my husband brought the kids up to snuggle in bed with me and watch a cartoon, it was just enough to keep them satisfied that I would be home as quick as I could!  They NEVER knew how bad it had gotten, and neither did my husband.  I had them call my mom in the middle of the night and my brother and her rushed up there to sit with me. ~ I still think you are NEVER to old to need your mommy  ~ It was nice of her to come so that they didn't disturb my kids sleeping!

I didn't leave the hospital until Saturday afternoon.  I called my mom to come and get me so I didn't have to bobble myself around the kids, I decided I would be better off to brace myself for later walking in the door at home to the many hugs and snuggles.  When I sat down in the car and pulled the door shut I felt something pop.  ~ Yep, something broke loose and I decided come hell or high water I was going home, so off we went!  I made my mom stop at the grocery store for me....I rode the little scooter around the store because it felt so wonderful to be alive....I looked down and realized that I was bleeding all the way through my shirt....BAD.  My mom gave me her scarf and I tied it around my belly and continued to finish getting what I needed at the store and then I stopped at Walgreen's to get my meds too.  :O)

When I got home I was soaked through all layers of clothes.  The poor kids about had a heart attack.  I told them I didn't hurt and that I was just dirty, if they waited just a minuted I'd be back to snuggle with them.  I went to my bed flopped in and grabbed a maxi pad along the way with tape.  I flipped the thing inside out and taped it to my belly  I wandered down stairs and laid in the living room to be with my kids .....  I had had enough and it was time to heal...my way.

I got the bleeding to stop by laying still for two days...probably should have gone in for it....but I felt way done with being ill.

It took me a few days to write this because it was to close to a current memory, and I needed some time to think about what happened and where I now stand.

I'm glad to be home.  While I almost did regret the surgery, now that it is moving further away and I'm watching pound after pound drop off, my blood pressure has stabilized where I'm off the meds and don't need them, my acid reflux is gone as well as the med for that, and to top it off I'm not hungry....I feel glad it is done! 

I'm glad to be alive! ~ and thankful even more then ever for what I have been blessed with.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all of you!