OT: Emotional Struggles

As some of you already know my husband has been having some addiction issues to gambling and taking my ADD medication (which basically is speed).  Well I was able to get the Adderall out of the house ****ep it locked up at work); so that hasn't been an issue now for a while.  But he has continued to gamble.  This weekend he spent $400 on pull tabs.   If that isn't bad enough because of this money he spent it means I'm going to bounce my car payment which will also bounce about 14 other transactions that haven't cleared from the weekend and I could be looking at $700 in insuffiencent fund fees alone.  Not to mention the money I still need to pay the car payment.  So his $400 really cost him $2000.   He's in an outpatient program 2x a week and goes to counseling on his own and with me as a couple. 

His trigger for gambling seems to be stress and his job is very stressful with awful hours.  Part of me just wants him to quit but another part of me says everyone has to deal with stress in their lives and he has to learn how to cope.   With the way the economy is there isn't much else out there right now anyway.  I think if he could take  medical leave of abscence and go to an in treatmenat clinic that he could really deal with his issues.  I don't know if its possible financially but I guess its worth looking into.

I feel like my life is on hold I'm 30 and he's 32 and we should be buying a house, start saving a nest egg, and getting a family started.  We've been together since I was 18 and married at 20 so I feel we should have had a huge head start on all our goals but basically we are just where were at 20.   I love this man dearly and he is a wonderful man in every other way except this addiction.   I don't want to give up on him but I don't know how much longer I can wait for him.  

Kathy... I am so sorry this happened. What a let down not to mention the stress of it all.

My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie..connie d

Kathy,

This is said with respect.....I think you should get your own checking account that is strictly for bills, so that way you won't have checks bouncing because of his gambling....

I will keep you in my prayers....I hope things get better....But usually they get worse in this situation......Good luck....

Kelly

I agree with Kelly. You should have complete control of the checking account. YOu can give him a cash allowance (for food, gas, etc) but no access to a check card or checks. What does his counselor say about this?

Can someone loan you the money temporarily so you don't bounce everything?

Kathy,
I am so sorry to hear that he is still having problems with the gambling.   You mentioned that perhaps he should take a leave of absence to go into an inpatient program - if you look at the costs of his gambling vs. going with out his check while he is on medical leave perhaps it would be better in the long run for him to get inpatient treatment.  I know it is hard to deal with and maybe even hard to admit to but look what you have done for yourself so far and you are happier for it.  I would only hope your husband would be happier if he could kick this bad habit too (of course after the inpatient therapy).  You both deserve to be happy, but the hard part is taking the steps to make it happen.  Please come back here often for support if you need it.
Hugs to you!!
Donna

Hi Kathy,

I agree with what Kelly said. I am married to a recovering addict and I have one account for bills and one for the other stuff. It was a long time after treatment that he now has access to the one account. I totally understand what you are going through.  Hang in there and do what you need to do to keep things right.  It is something that is still on my mind today, but I just do what needs to be done to keep money safe, and love him for the wonderful man that he is.

Hugs,
Ginger

As the others have said, time to take the checkbook/bank account away.  Until he recovers, you have to protect yourself financially....bad credit can haunt you for years.

Hang in there and good luck!

Kathy -

Man, what a hard time you are having.  I know how disappointing it is to have someone not be an equal partner.  Can you borrow money to cover everything so things won't bounce?  Take a cash advance on a credit card, anything?

I am so glad you feel comfortable enough to come here for support.  We are here for you.
Amelia

He's really mad at me right now because I called his program he's been going to and have a meeting with them there at 4pm.  He then admited to me that he hasn't been going as often as I thought he was.  

I want my name on our account because finally started to get his paycheck direct deposit and I want to be able to have some control over that money..  I'm going to start to transfer it out of our joint account as soon as it hits and put it in an account that is just in my name.  I also found out I can probably do something like power of attorney so I'm going to look into that.  It would prevent him from making his own finanical decisions.  Not sure what the criteria is for it but will find out.

You don't need his name and your name on the account to have his check direct deposited.  My ex husband was/is an alcoholic and I I dealt with similar issues of him spending money we didn't have on alcohol (using our debit card and not telling me of transactions at liquor stores that caused checks for bills to bounce.)  In a desparate attempt to stop enabling his behavior, I closed the joint checking account and opened an account in only my name and his checks were direct deposited into that account.  He just needs to fill out the direct deposit paperwork with his employer with bank and routing number - his signature on that is his approval to have the check deposited into an account of his choice.  It does not have to have his name on it.  Good luck with everything.  Having been married to an addict as well as working for a drug an alcohol treatment program, I know the challenges of being married to an active addict.  (((Hugs)))

Michelle