Settling down versus settling...
(If you don't want to/don't have time to read through all of my rambling, just scroll to the bottom for a summary of the topic and chime in. But if you have time, I'd appreciate if you read it all 
I promise, this has to do with WLS in a way.)
People around me are in the mode of trying to find "the one" and obviously it's very typical for my age group, but it seems a lot of people get obsessed with the idea because they are desparate and lonely.
I have a friend who currently has strong feelings for me and is basically trying to bribe me into having a relationship with him. I care for him, as I do for many people... but I am just not ready to start anything. It hurts to admit it, but I am still so love sick and devastated over my ex who died, that I can't imagine the thought of loving another. This friend's pressures on me just got me thinking about this obsession with settling down and finding someone. Like I said, I'm a bit bitter... but have also learned my fair share.
My mother settled. It was a different time and a different culture, so she didn't have much of a choice. But now, almost 40 years later... she is married and alone and never got what she dreamed for out of married life. She has been my main motivator to demand more from life... she has taught me the value of not settling.
I have many friends that have settled and are already unhappy (and only in their early 20s). Unlike them, one of my best friends took a brave step this month. After 6 years of being with her boyfriend and planning a wedding for August 2010, she broke off her engagement. When she told me, I said, "I am proud of you." I always saw in her eyes that it just wasn't right. She knew it and every time she tried to plan the wedding, it just caused her extreme anxiety. I told her I was proud of her for making such a tough choice.
I think that sometimes people confuse SETTLING DOWN with SETTLING because of feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and desperation. I did that a lot, especially when I was big. I took what I could get and mindlessly accepted what I got. Now I am consciously asking myself, "Do I want this? Does this make me happy? Is this really what I want?" That's a very progressive concept for me when it comes to relationships. I almost feel selfish for doing it... but at some point I need to start listening to that voice in my head that screams at me when something is just "not right." I don't want to rush into things. I think sometimes people choose partners faster than they choose out a new car. I feel like life is really short... and I don't want to waste even another week with someone that drags me down as opposed to lifts me up. Maybe that sounds *****y, but WLS has taught me to put myself first. Just wondering what your thoughts are on the topic.
I promise, this has to do with WLS in a way.)People around me are in the mode of trying to find "the one" and obviously it's very typical for my age group, but it seems a lot of people get obsessed with the idea because they are desparate and lonely.
I have a friend who currently has strong feelings for me and is basically trying to bribe me into having a relationship with him. I care for him, as I do for many people... but I am just not ready to start anything. It hurts to admit it, but I am still so love sick and devastated over my ex who died, that I can't imagine the thought of loving another. This friend's pressures on me just got me thinking about this obsession with settling down and finding someone. Like I said, I'm a bit bitter... but have also learned my fair share.
My mother settled. It was a different time and a different culture, so she didn't have much of a choice. But now, almost 40 years later... she is married and alone and never got what she dreamed for out of married life. She has been my main motivator to demand more from life... she has taught me the value of not settling.
I have many friends that have settled and are already unhappy (and only in their early 20s). Unlike them, one of my best friends took a brave step this month. After 6 years of being with her boyfriend and planning a wedding for August 2010, she broke off her engagement. When she told me, I said, "I am proud of you." I always saw in her eyes that it just wasn't right. She knew it and every time she tried to plan the wedding, it just caused her extreme anxiety. I told her I was proud of her for making such a tough choice.
I think that sometimes people confuse SETTLING DOWN with SETTLING because of feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and desperation. I did that a lot, especially when I was big. I took what I could get and mindlessly accepted what I got. Now I am consciously asking myself, "Do I want this? Does this make me happy? Is this really what I want?" That's a very progressive concept for me when it comes to relationships. I almost feel selfish for doing it... but at some point I need to start listening to that voice in my head that screams at me when something is just "not right." I don't want to rush into things. I think sometimes people choose partners faster than they choose out a new car. I feel like life is really short... and I don't want to waste even another week with someone that drags me down as opposed to lifts me up. Maybe that sounds *****y, but WLS has taught me to put myself first. Just wondering what your thoughts are on the topic.
Well written Elena! I agree wholeheartedly! I think you are very wise in your assessment. I too see many people rushing into relationships because they want to 'settle down'. Where I'm from people tend to wait until their late 20's, through their late 30's before they get married and have children (I was 29 when I got married, 35 when we had our first child).
I was lucky enough to use my 20's to travel around the world working, I truly believe that exposure to other Nations, cultures and customs improved my outlook on what I wanted to achieve in my personal life and the type of partner I wanted to share my life with.
I met my husband when I was thin, well size 6-8 thin, which is pretty much the smallest I've ever been! We have been through a lot together, including years of miscarriages and fertility hell(8 losses) and my weight gain (DOUBLED MY WEIGHT!) and the complexities of adoption together. Finding someone who supports and loves you where you are is one of the greatest gifts.
My wish for you is that you can overcome your losses, learn from them, and find the person with whom you can create a wonderful life together. In the meantime, enjoy your twenties, travel if you can, explore different cities, cultures, countries, find things that challenge you...and when you meet the ONE, you will know you have found your best friend.
Life is an adventure.
I was lucky enough to use my 20's to travel around the world working, I truly believe that exposure to other Nations, cultures and customs improved my outlook on what I wanted to achieve in my personal life and the type of partner I wanted to share my life with.
I met my husband when I was thin, well size 6-8 thin, which is pretty much the smallest I've ever been! We have been through a lot together, including years of miscarriages and fertility hell(8 losses) and my weight gain (DOUBLED MY WEIGHT!) and the complexities of adoption together. Finding someone who supports and loves you where you are is one of the greatest gifts.
My wish for you is that you can overcome your losses, learn from them, and find the person with whom you can create a wonderful life together. In the meantime, enjoy your twenties, travel if you can, explore different cities, cultures, countries, find things that challenge you...and when you meet the ONE, you will know you have found your best friend.
Life is an adventure.
Elena I've said it before and I'll say it again....you are wise beyond your years. You said it so well.
Wanda
Some people might not support my WLS decision.
Those people remind me of slinkys. Not good for much but it would would bring a smile to my face if someone pushed them down the stairs.
Ticker includes Pre-op weight loss 24 lb.
Some people might not support my WLS decision.
Those people remind me of slinkys. Not good for much but it would would bring a smile to my face if someone pushed them down the stairs.
Ticker includes Pre-op weight loss 24 lb.
Wise words young'un. 
And I agree...I learned early on that too many of my friends and family members just settled. I knew I didn't want that & broke off an engagment also. He was an alcoholic who also endured a traumatic brain injury in his late teen's which in turn affected his behaviors, and I was sad to see it made the aggressive part of him come out even more than it was originally. But, again, I just knew that was NOT the life I wanted for myself. At the time, I felt it was completely selfish to ditch him, but in my heart of hearts, I knew it would ultimately be the right decision.
And every day since, I have been reminded in more ways than one that it was absolutely the right decision! Thank you Jesus!
Met my DH and 2 months later we were engaged and married within a year. So yeah, I'm thankful I didn't settle because my life would not have been the same.
So, don't settle sweetheart. You are wise to acknowledge this now and be proud of yourself for realizing what you do & don't want from life & relationships.
I'm PROUD of YOU!!!
And I agree...I learned early on that too many of my friends and family members just settled. I knew I didn't want that & broke off an engagment also. He was an alcoholic who also endured a traumatic brain injury in his late teen's which in turn affected his behaviors, and I was sad to see it made the aggressive part of him come out even more than it was originally. But, again, I just knew that was NOT the life I wanted for myself. At the time, I felt it was completely selfish to ditch him, but in my heart of hearts, I knew it would ultimately be the right decision.
And every day since, I have been reminded in more ways than one that it was absolutely the right decision! Thank you Jesus!
Met my DH and 2 months later we were engaged and married within a year. So yeah, I'm thankful I didn't settle because my life would not have been the same.
So, don't settle sweetheart. You are wise to acknowledge this now and be proud of yourself for realizing what you do & don't want from life & relationships.
I'm PROUD of YOU!!!
Elena,
You my dear have hit the nail on the head! So many of us, especially from my generation 'settled' In my day, just out of high school was the cool thing to do, get married and have a family. I had my son at 19 and my daughter by the time I turned 21! I was married 3 months after I graduated high school.
The years were very hard, but those years turned me into the person I am today. My gift was finding my current husband and I love him and am so thankful that God led us together. He has been my rock thru so many difficult times and has been my biggest fan thru my WLS Journey. In alot of ways he saved my life. When I was heavier and recently divorced, I felt all alone and worst yet, like a big fat 'FAILURE' at life! Although I was not really ever suicidal, I was very unhappy and depressed. He came along and saw something in me and helped me see that something too. And here I am today.....
I see so many people and some family members that have 'SETTLED' and it breaks my heart because I know they are not truly happy. I just pray that one day they will have the happiness they deserve to have!
You my dear have hit the nail on the head! So many of us, especially from my generation 'settled' In my day, just out of high school was the cool thing to do, get married and have a family. I had my son at 19 and my daughter by the time I turned 21! I was married 3 months after I graduated high school.
The years were very hard, but those years turned me into the person I am today. My gift was finding my current husband and I love him and am so thankful that God led us together. He has been my rock thru so many difficult times and has been my biggest fan thru my WLS Journey. In alot of ways he saved my life. When I was heavier and recently divorced, I felt all alone and worst yet, like a big fat 'FAILURE' at life! Although I was not really ever suicidal, I was very unhappy and depressed. He came along and saw something in me and helped me see that something too. And here I am today.....
I see so many people and some family members that have 'SETTLED' and it breaks my heart because I know they are not truly happy. I just pray that one day they will have the happiness they deserve to have!
'Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the rest to God!
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Sweetie. I know what you mean. You will be ready some day. But not now. You need to listen to the song by Sugarland....Settling. That is what I did when trying to piece my life back together.
"Settlin'"
Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Looking like another "maybe we could be friends"
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah
With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settling no, no, no, no, no, no
So raise the bar high
That being said...Raise that bar HIGH! Don't settle and if your friend is the one...he will still be there when YOU are ready.
"Settlin'"
Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Looking like another "maybe we could be friends"
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah
With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settling no, no, no, no, no, no
So raise the bar high
That being said...Raise that bar HIGH! Don't settle and if your friend is the one...he will still be there when YOU are ready.
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