Lost my faith

I don't know where else to go with this.... A year ago our ward bishop was called. I could not in good conscience raise my hand and sustain him. I had a horrible nasty feeling inside when his name was announced as the new bishop. From his wife who I played Bunco with I knew enough about their marriage and what type of man he was to have absolutely no respect for him. Since he has been called I have tried to maintain civil at all times in his presence. When DH lost his job and we needed food assistance I sucked it up and approached the biship who DID give us weekly food orders until DH got another job. When I got pregnant with my youngest (2 months old) I went to the bishop because I was tired of feeling hostile and angry about church and I wanted to clear the air and repent of my feelings. Instead, he berated me for getting pregnant and insinuated that I must be stupid if I didn't know what birth control was. Since that time, he has chastized DH for not befriending a man in our ward who is a wife abuser (physcially, sexually, and mentally) that I am TESTIFYING against in court since I was a whitness to it and then Bishop released us from our callings - which we accepted and fufilled completely inspite of everything. When I went into premature labor and my baby was in NICU the bishopric not once visited or even returned our phone calls to them, and when I asked for help from the relief society president while I was still in the hospital he told her to tell me that it was up to my family not the ward to help us. Several of the ward members are moving because of him including us. We still have not had Kayden blessed and he's almost 3 months old. I feel sick inside everytime I think about having to talk to the bishop to arrange his blessing. I don't want him having ANYTHING to do with my son's blessing but I wonder if I should put my feelings aside and just get him blessed no matter what. I don't know where to go or who to talk to because everyone keeps telling me that it will be his word against mine and that he is my priesthood leader and I should just keep my mouth shut. I think I actually despise the man. I can't even go to church right now becuase the very site of him causes a panic attack. DH and I worried because we are afraid of going inactive...There are also MANY MANY MANY other things he has done to my family and 3 others in the ward that I know of personally. Until now I believed with all my heart that callings were from Hevenly Father. Not anymore. I don't know how a man like that who is a Judge in Israel (he reminds us of this almost everytime we see him) can act that way. Am I missing something? Am I just being stupid like he says...naive even? I really need some input and advice....even years ago when I was inactive I never doubted the church, Heavenly Father, or that Joseph Smith was true prophet... I never doubted until now. Tammy

Tammy, I'm so sorry you have to threw this. What a horrible experience for you, your family and everyone involved. Is it possible for you to meet w/your Stake Presidency? And if getting your little guy blessed can be done threw him could you do that? I don't know the logistics of that. But I do know that when we had our kids blessed we just called our bishop. Told him this is when we would like to do it. And did it. There was no questions or anything else. It is different I'm sure if the man has a vendetta against you. ((((((HUGS)))) Hang in there Tammy!!! Love, Gala

Tammy Dear, Obviously you are seeing first hand an example of "Leadership Abuse" bear with me while I tell you a little story, one that is becoming somewhat of a legend in my family. It's a true story, of an experience my parents had when I was a small child. This took place probably 50 years ago, and the majority of the people closest to the incident are no longer living, so it's being told more frequently in my immediate family, as an example of the way my parents raised their six children, to support church members in leadership positions. My parents were both converts to the Church. My mother was baptized when she was 14, and my father was baptized when he was 20 years old. They married in the Logan Temple when my mother was 23 and my father had just turned legal age of 21. They had there first five children in Idaho, in communities which were entirely LDS. I being their 6th child was not born until 1945 in another western state. My early childhood was spent in a small branch, that existed largely due too displaced Utah and Idaho Mormons changing careers after the second world war, and locating to less LDS populated areas for employment. My father drove with the man that was then our Branch President to another state to attend a work related meeting (convention of sorts), as the meeting was drawing to a close, my father who was driving, went in search of the Branch President. He found the said Branch President extremely intoxicated, as well as involved with a woman that was obviously not his wife. My fathers first reaction was to just leave the man, return home. They were at the time a few hours drive away from home. He was having trouble deciding just how to handle the matter, decided to make a long distance call home and ask my mother what she thought he should do? She wasn't home, but one of my older sisters was, she was in her early twenties, may have already been on a mission at the time. She told him, she thought he should bring the man home. Better not to leave him there and have to figure out what to tell his wife and the Branch. So my father returned to the meeting place, retrieved the man, I guess told him he had to come home with him. During the few hours drive home, the man began to sober up, and became remorseful regarding his behavior. It was Saturday evening, and the BP was trying to figure out what he was to do the next morning on the Sabath, and how was he to face folks. What my father answered at the time, and of course this part is boiled down for the purpose of family telling, was that he was to repent immediately, fulfill the calling he had, (my father believed that the man was called to the job, and that he had a responsibility to the members of the Branch) and nothing would ever be said about the matter again. And that's the way the future went, a few years after that, not long actually. The Area was finally organized into a Stake, and this man became the first Stake President. Later, he went on a mission and served as a mission President. Its important here to remember that my father did not take this mans sins on as his responsibility. Nor did my father let it affect his activity in the church. He also never told this story to a single individual. The lesson I learned from my parents is this, when the person is called, and we are the ones that fall under their leadership. What they do right or wrong, is ENTIRELY THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY, they and only they can answer for their sins. We have only the responsibility for OURSELVES. Obviously you can't change what has already happened, but you do have the obligation to yourself, to let go of the anger. I am a very hot headed person, and when I become resentful, it's not easy for me to let go. But if I remain angry, then that individual is the one winning. And I become the looser in the equation. This Bishop is not "The Gospel" he is only a human being that has for this moment in time been given a calling that he either fulfils with integrity or without integrity. Your description to the forum, sounds like a man who is right on the edge of excommunication! Have you ever spoken to your Stake President about this man? If in fact others are having problems with him, I would suppose you won't have to wait long before he cuts his own throat, he is obviously driving on the wrong side of the road! If you become inactive because of this mans actions, or Lose your Faith, then he wins. Callings are from "Heavenly Father" but as weak humans, we can mess them up beautifully. Again this man will pay, and the price he will pay, will make the annoyance you and others have with him, seem as nothing. He is abusing his calling, to even suggest that you should have been avoiding having the youngest child. And to be so arrogant as to remind people that he is a judge in Israel, is sooo abusive, I can't believe that mans coat tails aren't burning! Linda in Texas P.S. Living in small town Utah is itself a challenge. Move as soon as your able! Or then again you could prove to yourself that you can outlast him.

Tammy, you have received some wonderful advice from members of this board, especially from Linda. My input is insignificant, but I want you to know that Satan is working very hard and he has found a few cracks and he's doing his best to enter in and take over. Don't let Satan win. If you need to change wards. You can't deny a blessing to your son because of this one person. I echo what Linda says. Go to your Stake President and explain to him how you feel and what it going on. He probably feels that something isn't right, he just needs someone to pin point it for him. You are part of the gospel because the Gospel is TRUE. Don't let anyone take that blessing away from you. I've been going to the temple often (I got in 5 sessions this month) and I'll put your name on the temple prayer list. Borrowing a saying from Donna Seamon. ETTE. (Endure to the End) Melody

Tammy, Although he is a Bishop, he is still just a man. We all have faults. I know of a situation frighteningly similar to yours. The bishop went out of his way to support a ward member that had been arrested by vice cops and because family #2 had been embroiled in some sort of dispute with this man's family, the bishop took away food assistance from family #2. He has been called as bishop for a reason. We do not fully understand why. But I believe he was called NOT because he was good at this, yet instead it is intended for him learn from this experience. Do not let your faith waver. You may wish to approach the stake pres about attending another ward in your stake or a neighboring stake. ((Hugs)) Laurie

My dear Tammy, My prayers are with you. You have received some good advice here. I would like to share two things with you. 1. When I was married to my first husband, (abusive sexually, verbally and emotionally) I went to our Bishop and he told me that if I were a better wife, mother, housekeeper etc, we wouldn't have these problems. I took it to heart and felt he was probably right. I should have gone to the Stake President but abuse victims have been convinced it is their fault, usually.) This is unrightious dominion and a form of abuse in itself. 2. Years later, when I heard something from my Bishop I didn't like, my present husband (the Saint) told me that he was called of God and that if I followed what he said, I would be blessed even if he was wrong, because I was being obedient. Now, I know that your situation is different but where I can see this fitting your position is this. Even though he is doing wrong such as unrightious dominion (ie your pregnancy etc) If you do what YOU are supposed to do and fulfill your callings the best you can, YOU will be blessed because you were obedient despite him. Honey, tell one of the councilors that you want to have the baby blessed and DO NOT invite the bishop to participate! My husband blessed my Grandson and it was not even done on Sunday but Sat night during my other son's wedding reception. I would DEFINATELY go to my Stake President and tell him, in as unaccusing manner as possible, everything you have told us especially about being pregnant. Or write him a letter and also ask that you be allowed to attend another ward until such time a new Bishop is called even if it is years. The bishop is going to have much to account for and if the Stake President doesn't look into it, he will also. The important thing is that ultimately YOU are responsible for your spirituality. Keep your faith and don't let one jerk determine how you behave. Also, I have been in a zillion wards in my life, (Military wife twice) and have only come across two Bishops that I really had problems with. This is after 36.5 years in the church. Take care sweetie and I will put your name in the Temple when I work on Fri. Grins, Kaye

I read with great interest your last post about your Bishop. How terrible for you! There are lots of things I could say to you right now but remember _____one thing_____. :not easy when you are hurt and mad: Sometimes men are called to high places because when they fall it makes a larger impact. It is not fun but sometimes you just have to take care of yoursel and watch and see what happenes. Hevenly Father loves us all we just have to learn our lessons in out own way. Barbara Hansen PS Thanks for all of the prayers. I am home now being care for by my husband and the Relief Society.

Just the fact that it bothers you is proof that you haven't lost your faith. You know the church is true. Truly it sounds as if he is falling short and that is for the Lord to judge. Don't let it destroy you. I once had a Bishop that was along the same lines. He was flirtatous with sisters (me included) he was very much somehow carrying on with the RS President and I couldn't make the connection. Finally, I realized that his wife was onto him and I verified to her that I had strong suspect too. She confronted him and it blew up. He ended up admitting to adultry and was excommunicated. Now that may not happen in this guys case. It really is up to his wife to set things straight. I do think ultimately unforseen to us, callings are made that don't make sense but I do believe that the Lord is very much aware and things will work out. Its up to us to allow him to work it through. If not just for us to learn something from it. Get up and choose how you are going to feel. Don't let situations decide your attitude and happiness. That is your choice. You choose to be happy or not. I have one regret. That I didn't speak up to the Stake President about what I knew. I knew he was meeting the woman secretly because he told me. I knew that he flirted with me. It was a strain on my own marriage because my husband knew it too and he thought I was a willing participant. But when it finally resolved itself and things worked out, we survived. The Bishop's wife left him and ultimately remarried and is very very happy. He on the other hand has not returned, is a miserable soul and bitter. The RS president stayed married, continued to deny that anything went on and they moved clear across the country to MN. I eventually in a chicken way sent her an email of apology because I didn't handle things well. I never mentioned that I believe that they had an affair, but I did need to apologize about my attitude and behavior because it was very un Christian like. Christ will judge and I now I'm very happy that I don't have to. We did move away from that Ward. I purposely choose to not get involved in clicks and groups socially that way. It leads to trouble. I'm very faithful about going to church, fulfilling my callings and interactin with other members. I just don't join in private parties or activities because they lead to hurt feelings. I never want to go through that again. All I can say is get that baby blessed. You baby and family should not be denied the blessings from HF because of someone else's sins or shortcomings. Go back to church. By the way, you don't have to bless a baby at church. You could with the proper authority bless that baby at home. Check into it. Also, think of the release from callings as a little blessing.....I'm sure soon you'll be called back into something. If you are active in spite of this guy, you will be blessed in the end. Don't let your lantern get empty. Christy

Tammy, How are things going for you. I know that sometimes it can be hard to lose your faith and given the issues you've undergone I do understand. Remember that within your heart you do know what is your beliefs and I'm sorry you've been hurt along the way. I've undergone some hurt in my life too, don't let that stop you from what you probably do believe in deep down. Let us know how things are going. Amy

Hi Tammy -- I'm new to this site & forum - just had surgery this week, got home today and am having a bit of a sleepless night. I have had issues over the years past that caused me to become inactive and I think everyone is right when they say that lets the people who 'push your buttons' win. But I have always fallen back on my faith and kept it close to my heart. When my son was born, I made arrangements for my dad to come to NC and bless my son in our home. I made the arrangements through the Ward but the blessing was held here - my husband is not a member but has been supportive of my beliefs. I have also been able to arrange blessings before each of my surgeries (the WLS is my third since Dylan was born almost 2 1/2 years ago). I agree that your Bishop will have to face the judgement for his actions - We are given callings to help us in our growth but sometimes it takes the failure in a calling to become a wake-up call and ultimately, depending on choices made, hopefully, make the person a better person. Given that we all have free will, it really does depend on the choices we make. I have to admit that I see a lot of differences between Wards of which I have been a member. When I was going through a really horrible time with my ex-husband - I had someone in RS tell me that it was my fault for being married to a non-member. She didn't know me well enough to make that kind of statement and I let it get to me enough that I didn't go back to the meetings even though I really needed my faith at the time - so the Devil won that battle and I lost. Find a way to get to another Ward/Branch since you are strong and don't fall into the trap that is being set for you. You will find the support and love you need - I honestly believe everything happens for a reason and the power of prayer is amazing. Even if you can't see the reasons for your situation right now, there are some and someday, you may get to find out what they are You are in my prayers -- Take care, Debbie