?true forgiveness?

A couple years ago my two young daughters were raped and molested by their beloved cousin (my nephew). This young man was arrested and plea bargained down from 8 felony charges to only 2 felony charges. He only spent 3 days in jail and his probation will last another 2 years. He is now 17 years old and is a registered sex offender. His sexual evaluation performed by a therapist of HIS choosing stated that he is at moderate to high risk of re-offending. He repeatedly violates his probation. I have reported these violations and his family lies and protects him. I honestly feel that this young man is sorry he got caught NOT sorry for his actions - but that is another story. Now for the topic of my post. Through a lot of prayer, I really thought that I had forgiven this young man for what he did to my daughters. His sister, my niece, is getting married this week. Although I was not given an invitation to the wedding or reception, I was going to go along and extend my best wishes for their marriage to my niece. I know that her brother (the sex offender) will be there. My little girls WILL NOT be going. I was really fine with the possibility of seeing this nephew again but the closer the wedding gets, the more apprehension I have. I'm still feeling some hatred toward seeing this young man. Obviously I haven't truely forgiven this young man. I guess I have forgiven him from a distance but the thought of seeing this young man is really bothering me. I have a lot of love for my sister (the young man's mother) and her other children. So I would really like to go and see them. I'm just having a hard time dealing with coming face to face with the offender. Any suggestions on how I can completely forgive this young man? I just had to vent. - Melody

Okay, I have quite a bit to say about this. I am very familiar with your story, Melody. As things were unfolding, I sat at this very computer and cried for you several times. I was also EXTENSIVELY sexually abused as a child (8 different people, all before I was 13), so this really hits home. I have tried for years to "forgive", but I'm not sure if I ever can. At least I don't want these people to die with pain anymore. That's probably as close to forgiveness as I'll get in this lifetime. That's just one way in which I couldn't be any farther away from being Christlike. I say you do what you can do. This was still a relatively short time ago for you and your girls. I'm 35...this was all more than 20 years ago and it still hurts like hell. Ya know what I mean? As far as the wedding goes, you are not going to like my answer, but please think about it. You don't have to take the advice...just hear (read) me out. I think it's a terrible idea for you to go to the wedding. I know you love your sister, I know you love your niece (and yes, you love your nephew). I know you want to share in this happy day. BUT.... I feel like your presence there will cause tension for the immediate family (especially the bride). They will be nervous, they will be uncomfortable, and I'm concerned about the feelings that you may experience when you see this young man. How will it make your dear niece feel if you take one look at her brother and run out of the room crying? This isn't fair. It's not fair that you have to suffer for someone elses sin and crime, but you do. I've been on this board for a few years and read enough of your posts to know that you are a kind hearted and gracious lady. Use these 2 traits to get you through this, Melody. I think you need to sit this one out. You said your weren't invited...I'm sure for the reasons I've mentioned. That doesn't mean that they don't love you, but it's easier to exclude an aunt than a brother. Also...you've said that they lie for him...they probably feel guilty and don't want to face you or their guilt on this special day. Please consider showing your love and respect by not attending, but sending a gift or even just a card that expresses your love and good wishes (and mentions NOTHING about the situation). I know that this is not what you were hoping for, but these are my deep down gut feelings.

Daph, sometimes the things we WANT to hear are not necessarily the things we NEED to hear. I'm taking your advice to heart and taking it seriously. I am opting NOT to go to the wedding or the reception. I agree, the emotions are just too fresh and too close to the surface. I don't want to ruin the bride's day just for my own selfishness of wanting to see family. I really appreciate your words of advice and wisdom. I am, however, sending a digital camera with my mother so she can take pictures of the bride for me and pictures of other family members who may be there. Thank you for sharing your grief, pain and experience with me. Love, Melody

Melody, I wish I could say "I'm glad I could help", but I'm not. I wish that you didn't have to deal with this at all. I think that sending a camera with your Mom is a lovely idea. I also believe that this will help you on your Journey to forgiveness. Since reading your post and due to the Easter holiday, I've done alot of thinking about forgiveness and The Atonement. This is what I came up with. Remember how I said in my earlier response that not wanting the people who molested me to die a painful death was probably the closest I could get to forgiveness? Well, it came to me that The Atonement doesn't just cover sin and pain, it also covers our human imperfections. I know that I need to forgive, I pray for help forgiving, I strive to forgive, and even if I can't do it perfectly, our Saviors Atonement fills in the gaps. In other words, our forgiveness doesn't have to be perfect as long as our desire to forgive is real. Give lots of hugs and kisses to those sweet girls. Take the pain that you feel over this and turn it into love for them. Every time your heart aches, plant a kiss on one of those precious foreheads. I just said a prayer for you. I'm here if you need me, and if you ever need to talk, just send me a personal message, and I'll give you my phone #. Daph

Daph, it's interesting that you brought up the subject of the Atonement and how it helps US, the innocent victims. A friend of mine recently lent me a book about the atonement. It brought out this very subject. The Atonement is NOT only for the sinner but for US to be able to forgive the sinner. I know that this is a true principle, but unfortunately my earthly self hasn't quite reached that point yet. Thank you for you thoughts, your prayers and your wisdom. Love Melody

((HUGS))) Melody!! I've been on a bit of a hiatus (sp?). Just logged into this board and read your post and Daph's responses. I couldn't agree with her any more!! Take every second of every hour that you feel anger, pain, ec tect and put into healing yourself and your sweet little babies!! Different from Daph - in that my son was molested by his bio grandfather prior to us adopting him. I have thought many times that I had 'forgiven' him. I've recently been reminded that I've not truly forgiven ANYONE who was involved in Cor's life before we adopted him OR anyone involved in placing him w/us (AKA..LDS Family Services). It has/will come back to haunt me for the rest of my life. This situation may prevent me from ever being a mom again. And has led Satan to work his wonders in my life more than one would ever imagine. I've contemplated leaving the church because of my strong feelings towards the priesthood holders (his grandfather, the ldsfs social worker, and bio grandfathers bishop) for standing behind his grandfather - because "why else would a rightous (sp) molest his grandson whom he loved...ect ect ect. Melody, I think many of our earthly beings have not reached the point of being able to truly know that the atonement is not only for the sinner but for every one involved!! I hope and pray you will be able to have a good day and spend some extra special time w/your little angels!! love, Gala

Gala, I typed you a long response but somehow It didn't send. So here's a shortened version. My heart ached for you when I read your response and felt your pain in your words. There comes a time when we have to let go of our pain and our grief and turn it over to our Heavenly Father. We don't know what kinds of church discipline has occured for those who have done grieveous things to our little ones. Man is not perfect BUT the gospel IS!!! You need the healing blessings of the gospel now more than ever. Please don't let Satan win by turning away from the gospel. Instead, turn TOWARD the gospel. We may not understand everything now, but our Heavenly Father does and He will make things right in the long run. Hang in there Gala. We all go through struggles. We can choose how we are going to handle them. Turning away from the church is giving up. Turning TOWARD the church is winning. You are in my prayers. Love Melody