Marraige & WLS

I was approved recently for surgery on Jan 12, 2005. I am really excited for it. I have been trying to take care of a lot lately so that my recovery is good. One thing that has been on my mind is fixing my marraige. I have heard there is a higher instance of divorce after WLS than before. My wife and I are not intimate anymore and she has turned cold towards me and she has become more inhibited as of late (more than she usually is). I speak with her about my feelings but nothing changes. She does not seem to have me on the radar. I have always strived to be a good and loving husband, but I lately I am trying harder. I am afraid that after WLS, I may want to leave the picture and start over with someone else. Has anyone used LDS social services? I got a referral from the Bishop yesterday, but I am afraid my wife won't want to go. She has refused to see any specialists regarding sex or marraige matters so far. -Jonathan

She still has her free agancy Jon. You can't force her. I hope it all works out for you. Good Luck! Lexie

First I need to commend you on making the first step of many in becoming a healthier person. My husband and I have had a rough few years in our marriage. The last few even worse and the last few months even worse than that. We both had WLS this summer. From a "wifes" perspective I can maybe see some of what your wife is going threw. From a "spouses" perspective I know where you are coming from too. All you can do is make that step to better you!! Include her in your plans. Let her know that your love for her. Your desire to have a relationship that is built on love and trust. I haven't seen LDSSS for marriage counceling because of bad experience I had w/them when we adopted our 10 yr old - 6 yrs ago. I prefer seeing someone at this point that is not a member of the church. *****spects our religion/beliefs and is working on the "core" of our problems. The hole intamacy (sp?) aspect well - I'll wait on that one. There are other issues in our marriage that are/can be addressed. That will come with time I am sure. Take care of you. And while you are changing for the better hopefully she will see that and follow suit. Good Luck. Gala

Gala, thanks for the support. I have also heard negative things about LDSSS in the adoption area, having a job, love, and a temple recommend is not good enough for them. My in-laws were turned down by them several times. I am kind of leary about going to them, but I cannot find anyone who seems to respect our values. My wife is a mega prude and has some bizarre notions about sex. She won't listen to any one unless it comes from the church. I am hoping finally she will listen and begin to open up to me. I wish the best for you. -Jonathan

First off, Congratulations on getting your surgery date! It will be here before you know it. After you surgery your life will never be the same. There has been several incidents of divorce among members of the support group I attend. They each seem to share the same types of problems after their weight loss. When the weight comes off in great amounts, their self esteem grows and they become more confident. Their spouces become insecure and jealous. The person who has lost the weight starts to think that the grass is greener on the other side and they start to wonder what else is out there. In the support group I attend the person who has lost the weight has been the one to initiate the divorce. Since they'd been heavy their whole marriage they start to think that they "settled" for the spouce they had because no one else would have them when they were fat. When they lost the weight (or at least a good portion of it) they realized that they were getting attention from the oposite sex and they started to think about what they could have had if they had been at a lower weight when they married. It sounds like you're really trying on your marriage. Remember that you're not going through this alone, your wife is also going through challenges and changes with you. As you lose the weight, don't forget her. Don't forget to reassure her that you love her and she's the one you want to be with. Don't give up on your marriage. It's worth working for and making it work. Congratulations again on your surgery date. Keep us posted on your progress and share with us your successes. Melody

I have been trying to figure out what to say to you. I do commend you on the surgery date. This is the first stop on the road to being healthy. I wish you the best of luck. I was married to a man who didn't like me being heavy. One of the many reasons that we are divorced today. I have since remarried a wonderful man and we have been sealed in the temple. It is with his help, love and support that I was able to make the decision to have the surgery. I have never used LDS Social Services, but I do think that the communication line needs to be re-opened and you need to gain her support as well. She is probably needing someone to share her fears, her needs and other things like that with. Once you get to a point where you like, even love yourself, that will show and she will know that you love her too. This is such scary territory for both of you. You must be willing to get on your knees and pray for the strength and to use the priesthood that Heavenly Father has trusted you with to mend your marriage and your spirit. Prayer is very important at a time like this. Feel free to email me privately if you want to talk. That is what we are here for. To support and uplift each other. Keep a prayer in your heart. Donna

The new Ensign magazine has a wonderful article about this very subject....learning to love someone again. It's an excellent article. Maybe if you read it, practice what it offers, then in 2 weeks ask your wife to read it, it will help. I have used LDSSS with good results for personal counseling, but poor results for marriage counseling. But check out the new Ensign. Best to you. Tracey