I wish Heavenly Father didn't trust me so much.

I know that Heavenly Father gives us challenges to help us grow and help us become more like him. I also know that He only gives us as much as we can handle. Sometimes I wish that Heavenly Father didn't trust me quite so much. I have been at an all time low this past month and a half. I've only allowed myself to cry one time. I think I must be a bit on the depressed side of things because I'm procrastinating doing some paperwork that I ought to keep on top of. I still have a smile on my face and still talk positive to anyone that I see but it's all a farce. It's all a lie. I'm lying to myself when I say that everything is fine and good. I'm trying to convince myself of that. My husband and I own an ambulance service. We live in a tiny town of 1400 people. We contracted with the county to provide ambulance service. We have committed our lives to providing ambulance service to this community for more than 18 years. For those 18 years we never took a family vacation, birthday parties were interrupted, family plans were cancelled because you never knew when an ambulance call would come in and the ambulance always came first. On December 1st with no warning we received a letter from our county commissioners informing us that they were terminating our contract effective 1 minute after midnight on January 1, 2005. We were blind-sided. I think what hurt the most was that they never even told us "thank you" for all the sacrifice we have made over the past 18 years. When I asked point blank why they cancelled the contract, their answer was "I'm not going to tell you". We read in the newspaper that the county is growing and they didn't feel like we could keep up with the growth. The commissioners are now contracting with an ambulance service 25 miles away. They have an ambulance in town still and have someone who manages it and responds to calls with it but they still wait for an ambulance to come 25 miles to transport the person. I received an analogy that really fits how I felt about this situation. If you can bear with me and the length of this post, I'll share it with you. A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to m ake it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity .. boiling water. But each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the ho****er, the very cir****tance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? At first I went into this situation like a carrot. I was strong and firm. When the pressure (another story, the commissioners are suing us to return equipment that belongs to us) became really, really strong and the waters were boiling I became soft lost my strength. The water continued to boil and then I became like an egg. I became hard and not the same person anymore. The water continued to boil and things continued to happen and my non-member husband became like the coffee bean. He did some things that changed the water around us. He did some things that changed people's attitudes. Although they won't give us our job back and we have no income, I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and is mindful of me and things will work out in HIS time. Thanks for your support, I know this is long but I needed to vent. Melody

Dearest Melody! I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible time! I can't believe they have done this to you! But then isn't it always the good people that get stomped and the kicked when they are down? If there is anything I can do to soften the blow or lessen your hardships let me know. If nothing else, feel free to vent to me at any time. If you would like to talk, I will send you my phone number or you can send yours (privately, of course) and I can call you. (Just recently got unlimited long distance and love it) You are always there for everyone of us and I hope we can reciprocate. Please let this list be there for you as you have been here for us. Got to go get my gdau from school so will write more later. There is so much I want to say to you. Keep up the faith as our Heavenly Father is here for you even more that we are. But then you know that as you are always telling the rest of us when we are down! Praying for you!!! Grins, Kaye

Melody, Thanks for the analogy!! It is really very true, in how it fits into our lives. At least mine anyway. I'm sorry this garbage is having to happen to you and your family right now. How devastating for your family. And self-esteem. As you said you have dedicated your lives to your business. In return you are thrown out w/the rest of the goverments garbage (i'm not real goverment positive these days). Regardless, hang in there. Thanks for being such a wonderful support to each of us...especially me. Love, Gala

Hey sister- I am so sorry to hear of your troubles-and I totally understand how you paste on a face for everyone and are just dying inside. HF knows that, too-don't be afraid to lean on Him a little (or a lot). Most of all, if you are really not seeing the sun shine in your life at all, call up the doctor-depression is not a good thing, and if you need help you should get it before your life falls to pieces. (yeah, talking from experience here.) This may just be a bend in the road, but taking it is scary and painful. We have all been there in one way or another-so make sure to lean on US, too! take care sweetie.... lynn