Back in the Hospital

Hey Gang, I'm in some very desperate need of prayers. My entire family is in need of them to be honest. Right now the depths of dispair that I am feeling goes beyond words can describe. My husband has posted on the Over 50 Forum in response to me being here. My post yesterday was not "me" and I don't know what the heck is going on. I hate this. And can't stand living like this anymore. Anyway - I could definatly use some prayers. I know someone from the Over 50 Forum put my name in the temple last week. I definatly appreciated it. Thanks for listening. Gala

Hi Gala. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this struggle. I'm not in your shoes but in a very small way I can empathize with you. In a VERY small way. I have recently had bouts of depression and thoughts that my family and everyone else would be better off if I weren't here. Then I get to thinking what would come of my children if I weren't around. I may not be the best mother but I'm trying to do what I can do. I recently went to a doctor who put me on Lexapro and I think it's working. At least I'm not a raging B***H like I've been in the recent past. The feeling of worthlessness is an awful tool that Satan uses. It's taken a lot of prayer on my part to get through each day. Sometimes to just get through the hour, the minute or the moment. It sounds like you have a DH who loves you very much. I, too, have a DH who loves me very much and my DH doesn't have a clue as to how I'm feeling or what my emotions are like. We can do this. This is just one more hurdle that we have to cross and overcome. Thinking of you Gala. You have been in my prayers on a daily basis. Love, Melody

Today is a better day Melody. I wanted to just pop in and respond to you. I appreciate so much your response to me. The overwhelming support I've received has been just that....overwhelming. My bishop came this afternoon and talked a 'bit' with me about what is going on. Yesterday - was areally bad day. I'm 'supposed' to be detoxified (take away) of all my meds. It is thought that the Lexapro (which was very high dose) and the other med - Lamictal could be causing me to be so off balance. Like I said yesterday was a bad day. I've never wanted to 'really really hurt' someone (well only the bio grandfather who sexually molested my oldest son and then went on a mission). Yesterday - I did. I flew off the handle. Lost all my dignity and went into a rage that wasn't like me. It isn't like me to try to hurt someone. I wear Dansko shoes. They are a form of clog in European style. They are heavy and could hurt someone very easily. The one pair I have are big on me and fling off very easily and that is just what they were doing. I am very embarrassed at my behavior from yesterday. The person that was in my "path of fire" is not hear today and I've not been able to apologize. She didn't get hurt nor did anyone. This.....tells me that it is my meds. So today I refused to take my meds until I could talk to my dr. He didn't listen to me. Then I called my husband sobbing. Who then called this dr. ( I don't have my regular psychiatrist) and explained to him that my deamenor is very calm, collective even in the worse of situation, and that I am just what I look like....small and harmless. He explained that I've been worse and meaner since having these meds upped... Guess what - My does was cut more than half and he told me husband that most likely I will no longer be on it by Monday. Already today - jhaving went from 30 mg. to 10 mg. I feel a bit calmer. I don't have slurred speech, my vision is clearer and I can concentrate and walk w/o having to feel like I'm falling. SOO...today is better. I've rambled. Thanks for listening. Love, Gala

Gala I'm so glad that you're doing better. But your post made me angry. It's a pet peeve of mine and it has reared it's head again in your post. My pet peeve and what made me angry is the fact that since you are female, the males taking care of you don't give any credence to what you think or what your oppinion is. If they had just listened to you in the first place it would have saved you much trouble, problems and difficulties but since you're female you must not know what you're talking about. It took another male to speak to the doctor and have the doctor actually listen. Sorry, this is a real pet peeve of mine. I have come across this prejudice a lot in the last 15 years and yes I do believe this is a prejudice. The male ego doesn't take we weak females and our ideas as something that is important. I've been without a telephone for 5 months. For 5 months I've been insisting that my phone problem is in something called a "router" on my phone. The men have all dismissed this and insisting that it couldn't possibly be the router, it must be something else. Lo and behold, one man in the tech field told the local men that he thinks the problem lies with my router. Duh, I've been saying that for 5 months. The router was replaced and for the first time in 5 months I have a working telephone. This is just the most recent experience I've had where men ignore what I have to say or what my opinion is. Sorry to vent. I'm glad that your problem is finally getting taken care of and hopefully this will be the end of all your struggles and mood swings. Thankfully your DH stuck up for you and made them listen. Tomorrow will be a better day for you and each day will get better and better. Love, Melody

Gala, I would love to just give you a hug. It takes so much strength to even talk about this. I suffer from depresion. And since I have moved and have no insurance I have had to wing myself of my meds. (very scary) my DH husband has been with me the whole Time. There are days I just don't even want to be on this earth. Then someone will call me and talk me threw it. I know the Gospel is true and and I know that cimicales in a pee brains are screw up. I use to think that I wasn't a faithfull enough member or something else like that. But I now know that is not the truth. Ruthy