New Here :)

Hi! I'm new to this forum, and I have questions! I have been a member for about 3 years and have noticed that, though they may not notice, a lot of people in the two wards I've been in are very nosey and critical! It's little things- when I was single, people bugged me about when I would get married... at first I was nice and polite, but after a while I'd answer with things like "I'll get married when I no longer prefer women..." or something equally snarky. I actually turned down dates because I hated the questions from these people! Since I've been married, it has been all about babies. I'm only 23, and we've only been married a year and a half! WE'RE KIDS! We can't have them! I say things like "I'll have them when you agree to pay for them," or "When I stop hating kids I'll make one." People are really pushy... Then, this summer, I got pregnant- I don't want kids in general, but DH wants a quiver full, and I'm sure I'll love it when it's mine... but I was freaked out about having one! I miscarried, and now I have all of these RS women feeling sorry for me when I feel relief- I was really sad because it was a part of me and it died, but also thankful that I can keep getting to know my husband alone, finish college, all of that. My questions are: 1.) Did you guys go through the harrassment? Is it just Georgians, or everyone? 2.) Did you get flack about the surgery? Thanks in advance for your answers- I can't wait to get to know you all! Valarie

Valarie, First of all, welcome to this board. We hope you post often. We may not have all the answers but we're here to listen. Now, about your post. I think those women are just trying to be friendly and they don't know how to start any other type of conversation. I don't think they mean to be mean, nosy or a busybody. I think it's just a way for them to break the ice with you and start a conversation and get to know you better. I think you are wise not to be jumping into having children. This is the only time in your marriage where you and your husband will be by yourselves. Once children start coming there will always be someone else in your life that you worry about and have to consider. Don't beat yourself up for your decision. You'll know when the time is right for you to start a family. I personally didn't go through any harrassment over having the surgery. I had friends in my ward that were concerned for me and voiced that concern, but they never tried to influence me in my decision to have the surgery. I've been very open about having the surgery and have received nothing but support. Good luck in your journey. You need to do what is right for you. Melody

I'm so glad to hear that! I am still worried that I will have to endure comments about it, but you've made me feel a bit better about it Also, I just learned that another sister in my ward has done the surgery! I'm thinking I should ask her about it, but I don't know her very well... I guess I'll use it as an opportunity to make a new mormon-lady friend! Valarie

Valarie...I think Gale is right about conversation starters, but I think its the Mormon culture. The perspective of family is so central to the faith. I don't think you should have children because others pressure you...that would be devastating to you, your husband and a child. A child should be wanted....but I think the Lord will send you a baby when he knows and thinks you are ready. Sometimes he will send things into our lives that we don't think we are ready for, but he knows we are....for whatever reason. I was 20 years when I had my first child. Though still a child, it was the most challenging yet growth promoting event in my life. I have to say that I truly understand my Father in Heaven because of my children. They have taught me so much....and I think that is the point. When it happens, embrace it and learn whatever it is that the Lord wants you to learn. The decision to have a child or even if unplanned, the event is solely between you, your husband and the Lord. You are three in that event....not two. I think LDS women assume that all other LDS women are anxious to have children....like I said the culture of the people. I would just be patient with them, don't take the comments too personally and brush them off. I'm sure they don't understand that they are actually putting pressure on you. I think it would be wonderful for you to approach the other woman. She may be looking for someone to share with too. You could become exercise buddies, or at least support when things get hard. Christy

Valerie, You don't have to tell anybody in your ward about your surgery. I had my surgery 3.5 months ago and I never said a word about it to anyone. I didn't want to be known as the "one who had weight loss surgery". We had a man in our ward 25 years ago who had wls and people still refer to him accordingly. Ward members are starting to notice my weight loss and someone made the assumption that I had had a baby!! I kept telling her that in fact I had not had a baby, but she just kept asking me if I was sure!! She never put two & two together. I laugh about it now, but I was a little ticked off when she said that. Just let people think that you have amazing will-power and self control. Or if you're more comfortable putting it out there, then that is great too. Good luck to you, c leigh