Barbara, I can understand how you're feeling. I didn't go to church for about 13 years because I couldn't get any pantyhose on and I really didn't have any clothes to wear. I felt huge, ugly and didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't think anyone would sit by me. I was afraid I would break the chairs in the Relief Society room. Let's not even go to the point that I was afraid I couldn't stand up from a chair without help. I could go on and on. I've been in your shoes and I understand how you feel. Have WLS is a very dangerous operation. It isn't a decision to take lightly. It IS/WAS something that I prayed about and felt that needed to be done for me. I was willing to take the risk. I felt the benefits outweighed (no pun intended) the risks for me. If I died having surgery, so be it. I was going to die fat if I didn't have the surgery. Good luck with your testing. If WLS surgery is for you then go for it. It's the best thing I've ever done. Melody

I don't have a date yet. I have just started all of the testing in hopes of approval and a date. I hate hate the fact that it is hard to tie my shoes. That the legs of my garments are tight. That my breasts are so huge that the weight slides my garments and bra straps down. I hate every day that I have to get up and get dressed and hate my clothes. I hate the fact that it is hard for me to go up and down the stairs in my house. It is hard to get out of the car. I hate the fact that I out weight my husband. I love scrap booking and hate being in the pictures and making something lasting that I want them (my family) to look at forever. Oh ya and I hate trying to put on panty hose!!!!!!!! I hate going to see old friends. Many I have kept in touch with from 1st grade on. If my class was to have a reuinon right now I probably would not go. If I were to run into my ex-husband right now, well I would rather split my wrists than do that. In reading the lastest posts, I have to get up and conduct in RS feeling like this. I can understand not knowing anyone. I was from a little town in ID. Everyone knew each other and all of the families. In my ward in Vancouver WA there is lots of Apartments Complexs and everyone moves in and out all of the time. It is really hard to make good friends and I am in the Relief Society Pres. However people are not going to come to our houses to make friends with us. WE Have to be at church 1st. It will come. Besides did you know there are people in my ward who cry right now because they can't fit into their size tens? They are just as troubled with themselves and I am with myself. Talk to me I don't get to post but on the weekends at least until tax season is over. Barbara

Where are you from? I'm living in Germany for the last 4 years and will be here until summer '08 hopefully...if I get lucky maybe it will be even longer. I love it here!!

I know, I understand what your saying. I know I can't let this stand between me and HF..... I just feel so lonely at church, and it's so hard to feel the spirit when all I feel is rejected, alone, awkward, fat.... those feelings overwhelm what Im supposed to be feeling... Let alone all the pregnant women and baby blessings are still all there right infront of me. Im learning to let go of that a little, because I have to realize that with surgery, that will not happen to me for at least a year--- but the pain is still there everytime someone announces they are pregnant, which seems almost weekly, or someone asks why we don't have any kids... Im hurting, and it makes this so hard... Darlene

Darlene, I'm sorry that you feel the way your do. I am married to a soldier so that means I get to experience a new ward every few years. I'm having an especially hard time right now because with the ward I'm in now, all the families that came the same time I did are now gone and we are still here. So all the women that I came to be close with are gone. And what is worse, I spent the summer in the States so wasn't there when all the new families moved in. Now I'm back and I don't know anyone and no one is trying to get to know me either. The "old ward" as we call it was so close and caring and now the "new ward" seems very clickish. The presidencies all stick together and the primary all stick together and no one really socializes with one another. I agree with the previous comment about how I should go to church for the gospel and not for the social, but it is hard to feel the spirit when you have the doubt of satan living in your sotmach! I was thrown from pirmary into a RS teaching calling basically overnight. I had only attended RS maybe, MAYBE 5 times in the 2-3 years I had been a member and now all of a sudden I was supposed to teach one Sunday a month. I was VERY self-conscious about doing something wrong, let alone my hang-ups about my appearance. I didn't know how to act or what to do/say. I had finally gotten comfortable and now I'm back to where I started with not knowing anyone and feeling uncomfortable and left out. At least now I don't have the "fat" issues hanging around my neck. So I know it is my responsibility to make friends if I want them and not wait around for them to come to me. It's just hard. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I just pray for you that once you have the surgery and start losing weight you can overcome some of the feelings of negative self-worth that keep you from interacting. It took me a long time to be able to do it, but I did and I know you can too. When you start feeling better health-wise and start looking better, your outlook on life is so much better. I'm assuming EJ is your husband, and you have lived with him through his weight-loss. You can see a difference in his attitude toward himself and others. When you start feeling better about yourself, you start feeling better about others too. God Bless you Darlene!! It will get better, I promise! Brenda 240/155/175/135 pre-WLS/pre-preg/current/goal