Aw, crap...

Warning: Long and whine-y Aw, crap. I swore I'd never do the PITY ME thing here, mostly because I swore I'd never binge again...yeah, right! But I'm here, and I know if anything is going to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel...it will probably come from this board. I worked out with a personal trainer Monday through Friday this week. 5 days. I was doing so well. Of course, today, Friday, comes and in the afternoon, after my training, I have a MINOR MINOR slip-up that leads to a hardcore binge. It started with scarfing roasted vegetables (pretty oily, though...so not calorie-free) after my normal lunch. I didn't enjoy them, I inhaled them in a binge-like manner. Once I did that, I couldn't believe I was back in that place of deviating from my usual plan, and mentally I felt like crap. I fought the guilt for about an hour before I caved and finished off a box of cookies that I am usually very safe with in the house. It was really OVER then. I quickly grabbed 2 cups of milk and a gigantic bowl of cereal (5 servings worth, most likely). THEN I bought three slices of classic, fatty New York pizza and inhaled them. THEN I inhaled 4 VitaTops (these 100-calorie cookies) that I had just ordered. I'm done now, but all added up, it was at least 4000 calories (including my angelic breakfast & lunch before the episode) but possibly up to 5000 at most. 5000 calories?! WTF?! I just undid all of the very hard work I did in the gym this week. I was looking forward to hitting my goal for the 6-month challenge - in fact, I think I would have hit it easily - and now I'm back at square 1. I was supposed to practice cardio this weekend and try and make plans with a couple of friends. I am now in that mood of definitely NOT wanting to work out, and wanting to cancel my plans for the rest of the weekend because I feel like a gigantic, scary blob. I DO talk to an old therapist about these episodes on the phone sometimes, and I've been planning on meeting up with him again within the next month, but I don't want to talk to ANYONE right now. The thought of working so hard and then negating it in the blink of an eye drives me NUTS!!! NUTS!!! I cannot continue like this. I have no energy left to try now. Sorry for the rant, but thank you for just making me feel it's ok to post this here. Reply or not, that's all I needed! XO

i am sorry you had such a crappy experience today. what else is going on for you right now? i would highly suggest getting back into therapy, either with the old therapist or a new one who you can meet in person (i worked with one on the phone for about a year and it just is not the same at all). you are NOT back at square one. you have learned. only you can figure out what you have learned, but today's experience can be useful in learning more about yourself, what you need, whats missing from your plan, how you can break the cycle so that a "binge" on vegetables doesn't turn into an all day food fest. you fell victim to all of nothing thinking - you were "back in that place of deviating from you plan"  which spiraled into guilt and shame - totally useless and ugly emotions - and so on and so forth. you said you felt guilty for about an hour before you "caved" - what could you have done during that break that could have turned things around for you? maybe getting out of the house, calling a friend, coming on this board? it really sucks that this happened to you but we have all been there and we will all be there again. no one is perfect and everyone has emotional days and trying times. the important thing is how you recover from these slip-ups, put yourself together again and get back to a structure. forgive yourself and do some self-care acitivities that don't involve food (i like pedicures). how can you make tomorrow a better day? perhaps make a specific plan for what you are going to do tomorrow - what are you going to eat? when will you go do your cardio? how will you reward yourself when you finish your cardio and still to your eating plan?

you are not a gigantic scary blob. you are a beautiful and strong person who is not perfect.

Girl, it happens to all of us.  You did nothing unusual or strange or wrong.  You had a bad day.  Chances are, it won't make a difference.  Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start right back on plan.  ((((BIG HUG))))

Thank you for the thoughts Andy. It means a lot. Your weight loss is inspiring. I am just sitting around online right now, in a daze, playing with my iTunes. I am definitely going to go back to in-person therapy when I get my health insurance back in August. If I ever feel like doing this again, I'm going to try and post on the board to hold myself accountable. It's hard though...as I'm slipping into the binge, but before I've completed it, I think along the lines of "Don't tell anyone...just stick it out...then you'll recover, no one will ever know, and they'll think you're perfect!" The truth is that I know when I'm at risk...I need to start trusting those feelings. Really trusting them. Because I'm always right. I should have done something after I inhaled that snack, but I was ALREADY too ashamed. My dad is out of town right now. He's alright with me hanging out at his house...there's a gym in the basement of the apartment building. I am TRYING to plan to go over there tomorrow, do cardio, and take a bubble bath or something, and make plans to see my sister and then 2 friends later at night. But those plans are fighting the voice that says "Don't work out. Cancel everything!" It's hard. Thank you for your patience. It means a lot.

Thanks, Janina. You, too, are a doll. In the RATIONAL section of my brain, I know you are right...yet sometimes it's so hard to see it that way. I just can't stand the thought of those workouts I put myself through, and the fact that I threw it all away for gross food that just makes me feel like crap?! Bizarre. I was so looking forward to hitting my goals.

Sonora sweetie, you have had an unfortunate lapse, but you have definitely not blown everything and are not back to square one.  Even if you managed to "inhale" 5000 calories today (which I think is doubtful), it takes 3500 calories to gain one pound.  So even if you did ingest 5000 calories today that doesn't even add up to 2 pounds.  I'm not saying that if you got on the scale that it wouldn't show an increase, but that would be because of all the sodium that was in the foods that you ate, so those would not be real pounds.  Also, let's not forget, you worked out 5 days with a personal trainer so I'm sure that you burned 100s of calories during your sessions.  From my experience personal trainers push you further that you would ever push yourself. I think it's a good idea to get back in contact with your therapist.  Binge eating certainly is more psychological than anything else so we need all the resources we can get.  But, above all else please know that you have not ruined all of your efforts, you have just hit a snag but it doesn't have to totally derail you.  Try to pull yourself together and continue on your journey.  Never forget that we are all here for you and who understands better than we do.

Thank you for the support Tali. You're strong and I respect your opinion. It really couldn't have added up to more than about 1.5 pounds, but that's probably what -- at the most -- I lost through exercise this week (the rest being through eating habits). 1.5 is the difference between hitting my goal for the month and failing. It's not that I fear others' judgement on the board, but I was SO SO SO excited for the amazing personal feeling of accomplishment that  would have brought. On the bright side, sort of...I am typing this from my Dad's (and my old) house. I headed uptown to sleep here to give myself the best shot of making it to the gym in the morning. Because there's a gym in the building, I figure there's no excuse after I wake up. It's RIGHT THERE! I also have the motivation of the awesome water pressure here. The pressure in my building is CRAP! So I know I have the reward of a great shower if I earn it with my workout.

First of all, you're overestimating your binge. Really. Do the math, you'll feel better. And you didn't UNDO the good you did-- your muscles and lungs love you more for the journey! But it's not the calories, it's the loss of control. (This is the voice of experience speaking!) I too need to keep things very tight so I don't lose it all-- but learning to let go is kind of a zen experience. You can't change what you ate...but you can ask, "Now what?" So now what? You gonna stuff some Twinkies in there-- or are you gonna forgive yourself and get back on the Stairmaster? Instead of beating yourself up, try treating yourself extra-kindly. When I get like that, I cuddle up under my softest comforter and watch TV in bed. Sometimes, I nap so I can wake up in a different mood. Maybe you can start tomorrow with an early morning walk to jump start your metabolism or something. Get your nails done. Take a nap outdoors, somewhere. Just be gentle with yourself!

Thanks Shari. The more I hear the advice to just suck it up, don't be too mean to myself, and just get back on the wagon...the more I start to REALLY believe it. It's the sort of advice I give to others sometimes because I know it works, yet I can't always apply it to myself. I have a feeling you really understand too. My workout is going to feel like CRAP tomorrow on all this junk fuel, but my plan is to just get through it and then do as you say...I think I will take a shower with my girliest Bath & Body Works products and curl up for an hour of Food Network or something. TV AFTER the workout, of course! It's so funny that you use the Stairmaster in that saying of yours. OMG, I don't think I have ever hated an inanimate object with such a fiery passion, nor did I think such a level of hatred was possible for anything or anyone! Even years ago, when I had a *VERY* brief brush with real fitness, I dreaded that thing like the plague! Can I get back on the treadmill or upright bike instead?

Hell, If *I* had a Stairmaster, I'd make it a coat rack. Just DO IT! Whatever *it* is.