Should I be doing this?

Hi all,

I'm waiting a little bit for my next stage at TWH, having seen the Social Worker and Nurse Practitioner, or, half-seen her - we had a 30 min consult to determine what I already knew, that I need to have a preliminary consult with a surgeon to see if I can proceed, as I've had previous intestinal surgery due to Crohn's. That consult will be December 13, if I decide to continue right now.

I want to continue, but I've been hit with the biggest in a series of bad news in 2013. I just lost my aunt in July, who I was very close to. Now, my stepmum, who raised me from age 10, has just been diagnosed with highly progressive, fast growing cancer. It's out of nowhere - six weeks ago she was absolutely fine. Now, she's like a different person, so diminished and ill... I am shocked, numb... alternating with probably the biggest grief of my life. The prognosis is that if chemo doesn't work, it's palliative care... months at most. Now, the things I've been planning - this surgery, a wedding in the not-so-distant future... it just seems so unimportant. Well, the surgery still feels very important, but the timing... what should I do?

I want to be there for her and my Dad and help them any way I can, but I feel like a kid, not ready to care for or lose a parent! I'm 30 and the next few years were supposed to be about all kinds of exciting things to share with my family. I can't imagine my stepmum not being there... I'm crying writing this, it's just nuts, I can't conceive it! Carol has been my biggest supporter about the surgery, but now, I don't even want to burden her to ask what she thinks I should do. She's so quiet now, just listening as I try not to fill the silence with babble. It's only been a few days that we've had this grim prognosis. Maybe I should wait until she starts treatment, to see how to proceed? I guess I have until December to decide if I should go to the appointment. And I guess that as long as she doesn't need me on the 13th, I can still see the surgeon, and then hold off on the other appointments?

I am all alone this week, my boyfriend is with his family in Ireland (worst timing) and I don't know who to talk to about this. Any advice would be so appreciated.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I can relate my father, my hero was just diagnosed with prostate cancer (not in any immediate danger however). He was diagnosed the same time I was having all my pre surgery appointments and will be having his surgery Nov 1st, I was also given this date for my surgery I immediately changed it to the 15th. I am still thinking that it is booked to close to my dads but think it will all work out. Your stepmom sounds like a great lady and would probably want you to decide whether or not to have the surgery because you think its right for you or not. Unfortunately I truly believe you have to be in the right mind set to go through with this. I was going to have the surgery before and found out my husband was having an affair so I put it off because 1 life changing event at a time was all I could handle. I think you are right about keeping your appointment continue on your journey because at any time you can put a stop to it or delay it. I have found the people on here are great for helping in a time of need and they are always so positive, so please never feel alone.
I wish you and your family all the best, please keep us posted.

Wow, you have had quite a year.  I am so sorry to hear about it.

This reminds me though of the pre-flight information we receive when we get on an airplane.....If the oxygen mask comes down, put it on yourself first BEFORE you help others.  Right now, you need to look after yourself.  FIRST.  Before you can help others.  Your stepmom may only have a little more time on this earth.  She knows that you love her.  She loves you.  She wants the best for you.  Continuing to look after your health is paramount so that other health problems do not crop up. 

Good luck in your decision.

 

Judy

 

I agree with what Judy said!! 

You must help yourself first. Everything will fall into place and lead in the direction that is meant for you. This is almost like a test you've been given. You must choose the path needed. 

Deep down you know she would likely be upset if you didn't choose this for yourself, She is listening to you. Take her hand and ask her quietly some yes and no questions; tell her one squeeze for no two squeezes for yes... that might help.

We all must think of ourselves first.

 

HUGS 

I am so sorry you have been continuously "kicked" this year.  This is all so dreadful and certainly too much for one person!  I agree with taking care of you first.  You can't take care of anyone else if you're not well yourself.

What exactly does taking care of yourself look like?  Well, continue with the appointments given, because we all know that this is a LONG process.  Months between appointments.  So IMO proceed with that.  But because your stepmom's condition is so delicate, depending on when you get your surgery, perhaps you do push that out a little further. 

I don't know what recovery is going to look like for me.  Some have said "I was up and back to work in 2 weeks"  Others have said "I was so sick for months"  We don't know how we will react to this surgery, not to mention the extreme lifestyle change that comes along with it. So, for the precious time you have left with your stepmom, be with her now while you can and are able to.  (Because if you have surgery while she is not well, you may not be able to be with her as much as you like).

At the end of the day, only you can make this decision.  This is only my opinion, and my heart aches for all that you are going through and I hope that there is a silver lining somewhere for you!

My heart goes out to you. My mother in law is currently very ill, poor prognosis, and i'm trying to support my hubby through this as best as i can, but as i do, my exercise routine and eating habits have gone out the window. It's difficult. I don't know what to tell you. Hugs, and sending positive energy.

I agree that you do need to look out for yourself first, however, we also need to be in the right frame of mind emotionally.  My Story is I was referred in Summer of 2011, I was to go to orientation in November of 2011.  That being said, my father died suddenly that same month.  ( I will always be Daddy's Girl).  In January of 2012 we received the news that my Aunt (who was only 10 years older than me and more like a sister to me) her cancer had returned.  She passed away in June of 2012.  1 week after her passing, we learnt that my grandmother had terminal cancer.  6 weeks later she was gone.  All 3 of these individuals were so important in my life and I was left with a large gaping wound that my soul was just pouring out of.  I called the clinic, explained my situation and that I was still interested, just not now.  I focused on maintaining my current weight(highest) and being healthy (walking and food choices).  I called the clinic this June and went for orientation, I have had all my appts and I am having my surgery on January 21/14. 

You are NOT alone in this.  This is your journey and if you feel that you need to delay your plans so that you can get yourself together than that's ok.  The victory will be sweet when it happens.  Timing is everything and I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe now is the time for a small intimate wedding so that your step mom can be there.  Just a thought.

Thinking of you

Robyn

As of right now you only have one day that you need to be selfish and do something for yourself.  If something were to happen near that date, then you could re-schedule.  Sounds like your stepmom only wants the best for you.  I know exactly what you are going through.  My mom is Stage 4 and strictly on palliative chemotherapy as there is no cure for hers.  She has made it very clear to all of us that she does not want us to stop planning our lives or to stop living.  My sister had a trip booked to Australia for 1 month and was going to cancel and my mom flat out told her to go, there was nothing she could do for her and she wanted her to live her life.  It sounds like your stepmom only wants the best for you and i bet she'd not want you to put your life on hold for the what if of her life.  You can spend as much time as possible with her between now and your appointment but I'd still continue on to that appointment.  There is no guarantee after that appointment if you can even move forward as the surgeon needs to assess you right.  If you are not in a good place emotionally by then, you can go to the appointment, if he gives you the green light then you can postpone further appointments.  Make your stepmom proud and continue on with your journey as you said she was one of your biggest supporters.  My condolences on the loss of your aunt and pray that the chemo will work for her and give her as much time as possible with your family.

Thank-you so much, everyone. I feel so much gratitude for your responses, though at the moment I feel not up to replying to each one. I think it will all come down to timing, but I will try to keep doing the appointments, for now. 

I'm sad to hear about your own struggles with family health, but it is nice to know who may be going through the same feelings as me. I have to just hold on to the hope right now that chemo will work, and this will just be something we overcome as a family.

 

Many hugs and thanks.