Big Medicine Discussion: Do women suffer more for being obese? This is long!!

Hi Uta,   Thank God for good husbands!! I do think it is lots different after a man has fallen in love with you. Sometimes it's not, but I think more often it is. I hope you are walking tall and proud asap!!  I'll say even with the comments or looks I've gotten, I'll just stand even straighter, taller, with my head held higher. Just because others have looked down on me, I will not look down on me. I acknowledge where others are coming from, yes. Doesn't mean I think they are right.  I'll work within "the system" of our society , all the while thinking the standards are bull. Still, I've got to get by in this world too.  God bless! Marney

I'm sorry Mellissa. I know where you are coming from. I had to make peace with the very thing you are talking about....knowing that peeps will treat you different at differnent sizes. I made peace with that during a process after my soul crushing realization that being loved for just me wasn't (likely)  going to happen.  It was crushing. I cried. I was angry.  It was almost like the stages of grieving and it did take me months. I know what you mean about the ads and men's preferences too. I even tried contacting some men who looked obese. Nope. Not interested. They also had their profiles marked just as you said. Looking for slim/slender/athletic/average. Not even the "a few extra pounds " category.  Wishing you the best as you begin dating. Eharmony is a good site though. I found the personality test/results to be eerily accurate.

Finally someone has put words to the pain I have been feeling about men and dating in our society. I am single and have been dating on and off through my various weight fluctuations over many years (I am now 35). After years of 4-8 month long monogamous relationships ending... I realized that the men who were with me were ONLY with me for particular things: (including but not limited to: regular sex (and yes, I am very good at it), regular movie companion, someone to call when no one else was available, someone safe to introduce to mom/dad... etc. etc. etc. Like Melissa said, it is the SAD TRUTH about most single men these days. Even the heavy men want slim/slender women. It is truly pathetic. I have been on many mainstream online dating services, and I am very picky --- I want a man with an education (oh my God is that too much to ask?), a stable job, similar values, similar political orientation...  Yet, most men have profiles with a photo that looks like a freakin' mug shot and they don't write very much about themselves (read: they have little to offer but have very high physical standards in a date).  What a joke. An absolutely sad, horrible, painfully laughable joke. As a professor and researcher of cultural anthropology, I have said often that I was born into the wrong culture. Perhaps Hawaii or New Zealand... or Samoa.  Larger women, taller and heavier, are not seen as less beautiful (and sometimes they are seen as more beautiful) than thin, short women.  I completely understand what Marney is saying about the self-esteem scapegate used and universally applied to all of us MO people. (The following does not apply to those of you with low self-esteems). Like Marney, I KNOW that I am worthy of a good and loving partner.... I have a lot of wonderful qualities and I am a good catch.  (ALSO -- for some reason, both men and women tend to paint those of us heavy, but high self-esteem women as "aggressive" or overly "assertive" or masculine ---- what a bunch of gender-laden bullsh*t).  When I lost a lot of weight before (starvation diet and exercise addict), I dropped to a size 8/10 and got hit on left and right. Indeed, my personality is very outgoing and probably became MORE SO when I was size 8/10. More recently, when I was around 238 lbs (height 5'9"), I did meet a guy that I really like and we started dating... only for it to evolve into a "friends with benefits" situation. Now that I know the cold hard truth about the way most men feel about my heavy (but shrinking) body... I don't want to deal with them at all. I'm beginning to think that perhaps it is best to keep my "Steve", because at least it is on terms that I can understand. He was really attracted to me when I was much heavier, but we just didn't feel a LOVE connection. At least I know that his passion is honest... its just loveless.  I can deal with that much better than hoping and praying that I'm lucky enough to meet the .0001 percent of men who can see beyond the surface of weight to the SOUL of me. The saddest part?   The more weight I lose, the less likely I am to believe a man will fall in love with me for qualities other than sex and my physical attractiveness. I am tired of the shallow foundation upon which men decide to confess/profess  LOVE.... and as a single woman, it is a hard truth to swallow. Elaine

Even the heavy men want slim/slender women. That attitude goes both ways, and I believe even more so with overweight women wanting slim and athletic guys.  This is, of course, based on my own unscientific observations.

I had a friend once that was MO.  He was in his twenties and THE NICEST guy.  I was married already.  I had two friends that I wanted to set him up with, neither were great looking and I didn't set him up because I know he wouldn't have gone out with them.  I never understood why he went after only the "hot" girls to face rejection when he could have easily found true love if he didn't rely on outside beauty to quality a girl.

Yeah, really.  Why does anyone? When I was dating, I went largely by personality.  Pouring oneself into a relationship with someone who has the same "issues" as yourself, and being dealt the heart-wrenching "just friends" card was the story of my life.  And the story of the lives of every single one of my seven overweight male friends.  Of all of us, I and one other are the only ones who ended up getting married. I have five overweight female friends.  All five of them pulled the "just friends" on overweight guys that were interested in them.  Three of them never had any problems finding dates.  Four of them are now married.  The fifth... she's just plain crazy.  As I said, my observations are extremely unscientific and based solely upon my own experience. I've never understood why people would demand in others that which they were not willing to have in themselves.

Then again, maybe my friends and I were just losers.

I agree. I know as I lose weight that men will want me more. How do I know? Because I've been smaller before. My smaller is a size 12-14. Just like you said, it was with extreme food restriction and unsustainable, extreme workouts and unhealthy eating behaviors. I've already accepted that this will happen. It was painful. Now it's just the way it is. I feel like as I absorbed this, I was going through all the stages of a grieving process. I cried. I was angry.  The sad part though, is that I am sure I will find someone who loves me. Why is that sad?  This man will be convinced in his mind that he would have loved me no matter what. He will believe it, but I never will. Sure, if I gain weigt (God willing, I never will put it back on once it has disappeared) perhaps he'll still love me...because he already let himself fall in love with me. I'll never be convinced he would have given me a chance when I was MO. It's a disappointing thought.  I'm so glad I posted this here. It's nice to get some discussion going. I've had a few peeps email me about holding onto God's promises. Thing is....God's promises are real. They ARE promises. However, God does NOT force His will upon anyone.  God might have someone in mind for me, but that doesn't mean He can make someone see me for the soul that I am and the spirit that I have.  I really don't want to, and didn't intend to turn this into a man hating thread. My apologies if it comes of that way to any of the men reading this. It's just us girls sharing our first hand experience. I would love nothing more than to have a man redeem my opinions here. It's hard when even at our church, the only single women left are the big girls like me. As soon as a petite/thin woman joins our single group, she usually has a date from one of the guys in a matter of two weeks. I knew it's a new person, the unknown fascination. It's also something more.

Marney, I read your post on the men's forum and I have decided to reply here so that everyone else participating in this thread can see it too.  I read every word of your post and I have to say that a lot of it resonated with me. I'm sorry that you have had to put up with such insensitive people throughout, as some of the otther respondents pointed out - obesity is the last form of acceptable discrimination.  I definately have experienced some of the same hurtful kind of things as a man. In school I was constantly teased and the teachers looked the other way. My nickname made fun of large man boobs - I was called "Bialo-Tits" everyday by many kids, including girls that I liked and kids who were my "friends" Those same "friends" gave me the nickname "meatloaf" as in the overweight rock singer from the 70's and 80's they knew I hated it and that made it stick anymore. I can still vividly remember them chanting "meatloaf - meatloaf - meatloaf" as I came up to bat one day at a little league game - I walked off the field embarassed, walked all the way home (five miles) and never played another inning of baseball again.  In college while all my friends were "hooking up" I had to actually hear girls say how gross I was. Very disheartning. I've heard it at work too, it has been implied and overtly stated taht I was too fat to work as hard or keep up with a "normal" guy... I don't know if men have it any easier or harder then women, I just know what is true for me - and that is that I had a very hard time with the way everyone else accepted me. I know that is probably not that helpful, but it is just what I know based on my experience.  I'm glad that we were able to have these surgeries to help lose the weight that subjected us to so much emotinal anguish, I just worry that once we reach our goals we will still have trouble seeing ourselves as "acceptable" I have read some of MaryJo's posts on the TLC site and am intrigued with some of her insights on this subject. I hope that we will be move forward in a postive way despite all the pain still lingering from the past. Reminds me of a quote "Do not let your past, dictate your future" - I don't mean to say forget about what has been done to you and continues to be done to countless other MO folks, just to say don't let the way you were limit the vision that God has for your future. His vision for you is one of victory. The hurdles and the chains that have held you back in the past are nothing compared to his supernatural strength - he moves mountains! there is nothing he can't change along your path if you follow his plan!

Michael,  Thank you so much for sharing. I've really been hoping to hear from the men. I was honeslty wondering if you guys face the same things as MO/SMO women. Obviously you do.  I was actually surprised to hear that the girls teased you and called you names or would have said such harsh things about you in college. Honestly surprised.  I can picture the baseball scene. It's a shame. For some reason, as I put in my original post, I was thinking the guys would be more likely to take you for whatever skill you had, regardless of the weight. Guess I was wrong.  I appreciate your encouragement. Really appreciate you sharing.