Big Medicine Discussion: Do women suffer more for being obese? This is long!!

To all of you...this is Mary Jo from the show. I am a psychotherapist and I posed the question on the forum for big medicine. It is unfortuante that tomorrow nights show does not go in to detail of all the things I said. I talked about the research backing my comment about women struggling with more psychological trauma due to weight issues then men do (in our society). It is well documented in the literature...and it seems to hold true with my practice. I am concerned mostly because it is only touched on in the show and somewhat jokingly. The show is concerned with ratings and so it is important for them to cover that. I am concerned as there are more children who struggle with obesity and my concern is we (as a medical community) first of all have to recognize that there is a difference and then do something about it. I work with men and women separately in groups at present. Men's issues are so much different then women's. I wanted to know how you all felt about it. I have obese, overweight, overfat girlfriends (a term they like me to use) who tell me when they go out guys never come up to them due to their weight. I have seen this and believe it. On the show it makes it look like men have the same concerns. But yet....many of the people I hang out with are with obese men and they don't seem to judge them the same way. What is up with that? Thanks...mjo

Mike, Mary jo from the show here...thanks for responding to this forum. I have worked with Men in groups and women. Men seem to go through the process so much differently then women. Do you believe women have more shame in response to their obesity? The literature says we (women ) are judged more harshly because of the whole beauty thing. My sisters and friends are beautiful, but also overfat. They are totally rejected by men. I just am trying to understand. If you have more insights, please respond. For right now, I have to agree with the research that supports women are judged more harshly then men with the same problem. How could a society help to change things? For all of you...that is the question...what are our solutions. Thanks all of you...mjo

Marney,

Wow! Thank you Thank you! I applaud you so much for that. It took allot of courage to write that knowing all of all of feel that same opposition being overweight. I hope something could come of that post, and make people aware of the harsh judgment we receive. It is nice to hear your biblical thought on this subject, as being a child of Christ, you would hope people would treat us as humans.

My husband walked out on my 2 children and me the same day that hurricane Katrina hit a few years back. I wonder if I did not have a weight issue if we would still be together today. Dating is another issue; I have not had a single date in the two years since I have been separated. My friends don't dare set me up with anyone, but they will always tell my very skinny girlfriend that has someone perfect for her. I am also on dating sites such as Christian singles, BBW, and others. Dare I get a response if I show my picture? If I don't show my picture bringing up the fact that I am bigger is like revealing that I have a contagious disease or something. I am really glad that you wrote what you did. GOD bless you for your heartfelt honesty.

Hi Michelle, Thanks for reading. I feel pretty comfortable posting in this forum. Not so much in the BigMedicine board because there are some peeps there who think all we do is stuff our faces all day long.  I'm so sorry about your marriage ending the way it did. I totally relate to your whole post about dating,   I'm not sure how much my experiences reflect a positive Christian perspective, just my experience. I'm sure there are Christians who don't agree with WLS. I have peace about it , knowing God would want my time and energies freed up for much more productive things besides spending every waking moment of my life chasing my tail in vain to lose weight.

Marney, I am so sorry that people have treated you so badly. It ****** me off and I want to go to bat for you! I can honestly not relate too well. I have only had two experiences... One was out to eat... the chair had arms and while it was not roomy, I was fine. The waitress asked if she could bring me another chair??? Oh my goodness! We left and have never been back there. The other was in middle school. My boy-friend's best friend asked him (in front of me) why he was dating a fat girl! They had a fight, but my boyfriend did not make me feel bad about it. In fact, I have been very blessed that I have always been treated as well as a skinny girl. Of course, I didn't have all the dates, but the dates I have had over the years were fruitful and long relationships. I don't feel like I have ever been treated differently being obese, but I get pissed off when I hear stories such as yours! I hope I never have to experience it...

Hey girl! Thanks for reading and best wishes with your surgery! Congrats on getting approved.  I will say I did have one boyfriend who treated me like a queen. He made me feel beautiful. It was only in hindsight that I wondered about the difference.....then I remembered that his favorite Uncle was over 400 pounds. He adored that man. I think that is why he was able to adore me. Things didn't work out for various reasons, but he is the ONE man who made me feel like a man could still find me attractive and see me for me.  So glad you've had such positive experiences. Good for you!

Hi, Marney; This is one of the most honest and insightful posts I've encountered on this site.  We are all (mostly)  supportive of each others struggles with our journeys, but we usualy try to ignore the painful truth of our lives. I've been through all of the insults to my person that you have listed, as well as others that  were almost enough to lead me to self-destruction. My last husband knew me first as simply overweight;  when I lost to an almost normal weight he zeroed in on me.  As inevitably happens with us, I eventually regained my weight and more.  Over the succeeding twelve years of yo-yo-dieting I had achieved an incredible 300#.  At that point, he found another (slimmer) woman, told me he'd never loved me, and walked out.  I was devastated, of course.  It took me until 2005 (and more than 365#) to actually have the surgery, because I was not aware that a safe surgery existed. ( I'd considered bariatric surgery in the early '80's but rejected it because of safety concerns.) During those years, I never looked at myself in a full mirror if I could possibly avoid it.  (I have beautiful eyes!!)  Now, I have a full-length mirror mounted in my bedroom and I ensure myself of my appearance before I leave the house!! Since the surgery, I have tentatively ventured into the dating world.  No luck.  I actually had one blind date that afterwards I was told he chose not to date someone who is "ferociously independent".  I guess my hard-won self-sufficiency is only good enough for me.  You know what???  That's the only person it has to be good enough for. If I have to live alone for the remainder of my days, so be it.  I won't be full of false bravado and say I prefer it, because I'd like to have a romantic attachment, but I'd rather live alone and like myself than to be continually wondering if the man I am with is repulsed by me if I should perhaps regain some of my weight (which does happen, sadly).  That way leads to the same madness of self-hatred and fear of food that I lived with for far too long. Thank you again for your great  post. Good luck on your personal journey!!  

Thanks Lynn. Very well put in your last paragraph and something I wrestle with. I liked the statement about the false bravado.  You might be too "fiercely independent" but I also think it is our experience with morbid obesity that gives us the qualities that make peeps want to be around us once they get to know us. I smiled about the mirror, immediately followed by your beautifiul eyes. I've not had a full length mirror since I moved out of my parents house.  God bless!