Big Medicine Discussion: Do women suffer more for being obese? This is long!!

I have no idea what men's experiences are.  I do the online dating thing but happily no one has been as unpleasant to me.  BUT I have found that men who seem very enthusiastic and interested when we talk online and on the phone somehow become much less interested when we meet in person.  Please keep in mind I am never dishonest about my weight but I also never photograph myself from the waist down (where I carry most of my weight).  I guess the reality of "all of me" is a bit too much for guys to handle.  Ah well, such is life!

Marney I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that in your life. After reading your post it made realize that i should thank God everyday for my husband who when he first met me I was 220 and now 2 kids and 65 pounds heavier still tells me everyday that he loves me no matter what size I am and that he thinks I am beautiful even if I dont think I am. I have let the weight gain from having 2 kids only 23 months apart affect my marriage because I am very standoffish with him if he tries to hug and kiss on me i ask him why because I think i am disgusting. I know he gets made fun of for having the "fat wife" because he is in the Army and trust me those guys are harsh about everything but he also has some really good friends that let him know that it doesnt matter what weight I am at least I am there for him and support him where as some of their wives either cheated on them or left them while deployed in Iraq.   I cant say his acceptance of me and my weight is because of people in his family being big other than my sister in law who is going through this journey with me.  My husband has always been tall and slim played high school football for a nationally recognized team, his mom is tiny, his dad is tall and is over weight but I wouldnt say obese. I had known my husband for a while before he asked me out but it was just a casual thing as he used to come eat lunch at the restaurant i worked at all the time.  I would talk to him and the other guys he came in with because I pretty much had to. Well he overheard me making plans with some friends one day and he just happened to show up where i was that night but he was with some little skinny girl that was all over him and he kept trying to talk to me well of course I just blew him off and was like whatever. Well what i didnt know was that my best friend gave him my phone number and he called me after i left and i thought it was nervey considering he had the girl with him but he explained to me that she was a friend of his's sister who asked for a ride there and that when she found out he was talking to a fat girl she was trying to save him from my hitting on him not knowing that he was the one tryng to pick me up. Well I gave him a chance and now here I am 4 years later and we are married with 2 great little boys and less just say the friend's little sister doesnt have enough guts to come around since making an ass of herself in front of me and all my friends.  So dont give up there are still good guys out there and they will love you for you and not your size. I never in my life did i think i would be the one married to the popular football jock. But there is still hope for some guys and I will inbed it in my boys' heads that they better never treat anyone much less a woman any different because of her weight because even the stick thin girls arent protected from gaining weight  sorry for the length Linny

Hi Marney! I originally read your post on the Big Medicine website. It is unbelievably insightful and right on the money. And btw, on the show last night, wasn't Dr Garth's reaction to MJ's contention that women suffer more weight loss bias funny/sad? It was like he was completely clueless. And I think that he is a very caring compassionate man. So, how must it be for the rest of the world? Would you consider posting this on the CA board? we have an active group over there and I would *love* them to read this... and PS you *do* look like your daughters sister! :-) Rita

Hey there Rita!  Please feel free to cut and paste this on the CA board. I've already posted this in the men's forum, DS, band, here, and Big Medicine. A girl can only keep up with so many online conversations. Plus I'm going back to work tomorrow so I fear my online blogging is about to be abruptly curtailed. I thought the same thing about Dr. Garth. No matter how insightful a person, if you haven't really been through it....there's no way to know. I work in a surgical environment, and have for ten years now and it still shocks me how little people "get". I'll spare you the reactions of my co-workers to my surgery...but let's just say even the educated are still operating from their own opinions.  Thanks for the comments about me and my daughter. Guess you checked out my page. lol. She's so beautiful. I feel for her. Obviously she has my genes and it firms up even more in my mind that obesity has a strong genetic predisposition. My daughter plays VB for her school and on a travel team. She went to nationals. She's good!!!  Very good. Practices two to three hours a day six days a week. Jogs two to three miles. I know the food we have at home. I don't , and have never in ten years brought cookies, ice cream, or even bags of chips into our home unless it was a birthday party. She's not obese mind you. But she has a teen metabolism, must expend over 1000 calories a day in activty alone, and she's 5ft 9 and 175 pounds. She's overweight despite all of that exercise and not eating crap. She's eats alot, but it's not crap.  Where will she be when she's my age. It breaks my heart for her. She's already bigger than all the other girls despite her active and healthy life.

Marney, What an isightful and touching post yours was. I read it first on the Big Medicine boards. I have actually already posted and it got lost in cyberspace somewhere.. so if this is a duplicate, aI am sorry... Would you consider posting this on the CA boards? There is an active group over there and I would love for them to ba able to read it! PS You and your daughter *do* look like sisters!!  :-)

Amen!  Preach it, Sister!   I hope that OH magazine picks this up and publishes it.  You have expressed yourself (and a lot of us) very well. *Marking an "A" down by Marney's name in the gradebook*

LOL! Thanks! 

Marney, your original post is one of the most well written posts I've seen here.   I wanted to write to tell you that there is hope.  I wasn't really obese until after I was 30, but I was shy and didn't date more than a handful of times in my life before that.  When I was 43, I met a man on the internet from several states away. It wasn't a dating site, I've never used one of those.  It was just a discussion site for various topics.  We noticed each other because we had the same opinion on so many different topics.  We started to talk on the phone and after awhile decided there could be something between us.  We arranged to meet when I would be at a convention near his home state.  He had pictures of me, but I tried to send the ones that didn't show all the fat, too.  After we'd met, I asked him if I looked like what he expected.  He said "your legs are bigger than I expected" and that did hurt, but it was honest.  I've always carried most of my weight in the lower half of my body.  We continued to talk on the phone every day and it didn't take long before we realized we loved each other.  A few more visits between us and he agreed to move to my state to see if we could date and eventually marry.  We did just that!  At age 45, I got married for the first (and only) time.  That was 3 1/2 years ago.   My husband never complained about my weight (he was VERY thin when we met.)  When my doctor suggested RNY to me, my husband helped me with all the research before we made the decision together for me to have the surgery.  I don't know what I would have done without him.  He has been such a help going through this process, always very supportive.  I am down more than 100 lbs and still have at least another 30 that I'd like to get rid of.  My husband says he loves me no matter what my weight and I believe him.  He married me when I was almost 300 lbs.   Now that I am thinner and healthier, I think he is as happy about my long term better health odds as I am.  He said he was worried and didn't want to lose me too young due to my obesity.  Before the rny surgery he was with me when I had my gallbladder taken out as well as my thyroid completely removed.  We are looking forward to me NOT having surgery again for hopefully a long time! In any case, hang in there.   I firmly believe there is someone for each of us, whether we are skinny or fat.  It just take a really long time to find them sometimes.