"We Are AllJust Prisoners Here of Our Own Device"

“We Are All Just Prisoners Here of Our Own Device"  

 

One of my favorite songs is “Hotel California" by the Eagles because it is mysterious and more than a bit haunting.  The title of this post is a line from that song and it reflects an attitude or way of thinking that I am trying to put behind me.  You see, I have been the prisoner of my own self-doubt, my own fear of truly seeing and feeling who I am and what I need so I can be the man I see in the mirror these days and, conversely, not be the much larger and unhappy guy I used to be.

 

For most of my life the only real expectation I had of myself was to be liked by people, to be the one they could rely on, even if they sometimes treated me with little respect or affection in return.  No matter what I wanted or needed from others, I didn’t really feel like I deserved much from them.  This sad cir****tance applied to both my personal relationships and the ones in my professional life as well.

 

A few months ago I experienced, for want of a better term, a personal awakening that has allowed me to see that I need to have higher expectations of myself and of the other people in my life in order to find myself and to claim my place in the world as myself and not as a collection of what other people expect of me.  As you might imagine, staking out new territory in relationships is not always greeted with open arms…..or open minds…..or open hearts.  Redefining a relationship in any meaningful way is not about toying with its fringes, but rather it is about tearing out its center seam and re-establishing it in a different place.  Not easy.  Not fun.  Not guaranteed to produce the results you want or need. 

 

Some relationships won’t survive your attempts to change them if the other person holds too tightly for their need to control.  That is especially true for work relationships, but it can also be true of marriages and friendships.  Some relationships will eventually evolve and grow into more of what you need if love and/or respect are its central tenets.  The trick, of course, is to be able to recognize what is really driving the other person or people.  For that I think you have to look at their actions over time and not what words come out of their mouths. 

 

At present anyway, I fully expect to take a different direction with my career in the next year.  On the other hand, lately I have renewed hope that my personal relationships can evolve for the better given enough time and patience.  I don’t want to be the prisoner of my own device any longer.  I just have to remember to heed my own advice and act with love and respect along the way, for myself as well as for the other people involved in my life.

 

RP

Very well worded.

The huge percent of WLS patients who make relationship changes, job changes and life-style changes seem to find the road easier to make it all new than to alter what currently exists.

The value must be determined and if it is greater, find a way to make it work.  Not every marriage/relationship need s to survive this metamorphosis, but giving in before  the evaluation is done is too costly in some cir****tances.

very nicely written and very good points!

Thank you for this....it is quite timely.

I was just talking to my husband last night about this very topic. It is sometimes painfully difficult to see our worth and our place in the greater world. My tendency to have low expectations for others, as well as little confidence in my own abilities has certainly stunted my growth as a person. Not to mention my personal relationships, including my marriage.

Allowing the fear that comes with change to dominate my choices and reactions to other's choices is no longer a viable option. I have come to realize the power I have given to fear in the past...but no more. The hard work that comes with change, as well as fear of the unknown is frightening! However, today is a new day and a fresh chance to make our lives what we choose them to be...not what we will accept.

'relax,' said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!
 
Dianne

Diane:

I was wondering whether anyone would bring up this part of the song.  I do want to leave my self-doubt behind, though.

RP

My devices are currently reprogrammed to set me free.


No more of that prison crap for moi :)

You do know that you are one of the people on OH who I find to be the most inspiring, right?  You always seemed pretty free to be yourself here.

You have no idea of just how right on time this post ha**** me.  Thank you for saying just exactly the way I feel and the process that I am going through.   People are so used to me putting myself on the back burner of life so that theirs goes on and that is no longer the case and some are not exactly happy about it.  It was that behavior and my inability to cope that sent me to almost 500 lbs.  Not now, not ever again.  I am finally seeing the person that I always knew was hiding behind the fat suit and she is coming out ready to take on the world.  Thank you.