The "other side" of the Cincy OH conference (for me, that is)
First, let me repeat that, overall, I had a great time at the conference... hanging out with some of my existing WLS buddies and making some great new friends... learning a few new things... hearing some different perspectives on post-WLS life and nutrition.
Second, let me say that what follows is NOT the result of anything anyone did or said... it is all internal.
I will be 3 years post-op in 2 days. In three days, I turn 48 years old {ugh}. That means I did not have my RNY until I was 45 years old... and I started gaining weight when puberty hit (which, for me, was age 10)... and I was SMO for more than half of those 38 years. I am only 5' 3.5" and my weight fluctuates within a couple of pounds either way of 150 pounds. That is not anywhere close to "skinny". My goal, which was conservative but realistic given my body characteristics and age, was 145. I was there (just under it, actually) for about 3 weeks. Given that my highest recorded weight was 332 pounds, 150 pounds would seem to be "success". Yet there were a number of times this weekend when I one again felt like "the fat girl". I looked around and saw people who are truly tiny... and then I saw SO many people who are still loosing and are already smaller than I am... and even though there were some folks who were either pre-op or newly post-op and were much larger than I am, that little voice in my brain kept insisting that once they were finished losing, they too would be smaller than I am. How ironic that, in my daily life, surrounded by non-WLS folks (and even at my 30-yr High School reunion), I feel/felt "normal"-sized... yet surrounded by WLS folks I felt like the "fat friend"... AGAIN. There were times that I could FEEL myself withdrawing and the depression creeping in. Special thanks to the other ladies of room 628 for helping me fight that off (even though you didn't even know it was happening)...
On Monday, when the pics started going up on FB and I saw my size relative to other people, I was surprised... and not in a good way. I *love* the dress that I wore in the fashion show... it's very "me" in terms of style and I feel (well, I felt) good in it. When I look at the pictures, though... in some cases I look "ok" and I can see that overall I look more or less "normal"... but in so many other cases all I can see is how enormous my boobs are compared to everyone else's (but apparently not enormous enough to be able to get a breast reduction!), how thick my waist is (even after a TT (but no lipo)), and how heavy my thighs are. (Someone very innocently remarked that in my posts I had not exaggerated the size of my chest...) I look fine in straight frontal pics, but look much bigger (and less pleasingly shaped) than I thought I was in all the other views... so much bigger than the other folks. That's WAY too much "ammo" for that evil little voice in the back of my head who already talks too much.
Several times one or the other of the Drs. Davis mentioned that just because you set a goal weight doesn't mean that it's realistic OR that you will get there. This is not the body I expected. This is not the body I want. Realistically, however, this is the body I am stuck with. Several people mentioned that they felt so much acceptance at the conference. So did I.... except inside my own head. (At least I know there will be no shortage of material to discuss at my next counseling session. The REALLY ironic thing is that, as I have been talking with my size 4-6 counselor about body image issues for a couple of months now (yes, counselors need counseling, too!), she has repeatedly assured me that I look "normal"... perhaps in the world at large I am "normal", but in the WLS world, I still sometimes feel like the unpopular fat girl from High School.
Good thing I am still very smart....
Lora
Second, let me say that what follows is NOT the result of anything anyone did or said... it is all internal.
I will be 3 years post-op in 2 days. In three days, I turn 48 years old {ugh}. That means I did not have my RNY until I was 45 years old... and I started gaining weight when puberty hit (which, for me, was age 10)... and I was SMO for more than half of those 38 years. I am only 5' 3.5" and my weight fluctuates within a couple of pounds either way of 150 pounds. That is not anywhere close to "skinny". My goal, which was conservative but realistic given my body characteristics and age, was 145. I was there (just under it, actually) for about 3 weeks. Given that my highest recorded weight was 332 pounds, 150 pounds would seem to be "success". Yet there were a number of times this weekend when I one again felt like "the fat girl". I looked around and saw people who are truly tiny... and then I saw SO many people who are still loosing and are already smaller than I am... and even though there were some folks who were either pre-op or newly post-op and were much larger than I am, that little voice in my brain kept insisting that once they were finished losing, they too would be smaller than I am. How ironic that, in my daily life, surrounded by non-WLS folks (and even at my 30-yr High School reunion), I feel/felt "normal"-sized... yet surrounded by WLS folks I felt like the "fat friend"... AGAIN. There were times that I could FEEL myself withdrawing and the depression creeping in. Special thanks to the other ladies of room 628 for helping me fight that off (even though you didn't even know it was happening)...
On Monday, when the pics started going up on FB and I saw my size relative to other people, I was surprised... and not in a good way. I *love* the dress that I wore in the fashion show... it's very "me" in terms of style and I feel (well, I felt) good in it. When I look at the pictures, though... in some cases I look "ok" and I can see that overall I look more or less "normal"... but in so many other cases all I can see is how enormous my boobs are compared to everyone else's (but apparently not enormous enough to be able to get a breast reduction!), how thick my waist is (even after a TT (but no lipo)), and how heavy my thighs are. (Someone very innocently remarked that in my posts I had not exaggerated the size of my chest...) I look fine in straight frontal pics, but look much bigger (and less pleasingly shaped) than I thought I was in all the other views... so much bigger than the other folks. That's WAY too much "ammo" for that evil little voice in the back of my head who already talks too much.
Several times one or the other of the Drs. Davis mentioned that just because you set a goal weight doesn't mean that it's realistic OR that you will get there. This is not the body I expected. This is not the body I want. Realistically, however, this is the body I am stuck with. Several people mentioned that they felt so much acceptance at the conference. So did I.... except inside my own head. (At least I know there will be no shortage of material to discuss at my next counseling session. The REALLY ironic thing is that, as I have been talking with my size 4-6 counselor about body image issues for a couple of months now (yes, counselors need counseling, too!), she has repeatedly assured me that I look "normal"... perhaps in the world at large I am "normal", but in the WLS world, I still sometimes feel like the unpopular fat girl from High School.
Good thing I am still very smart....Lora
14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
you wait till I'm too far away to hug you to tell me this... ugh.
You are beautiful both inside and out...and I think your boobs are just fine darling...
you are not thick...
if i tell you I feel fat will you want to kill me? I do.... we fix our bodies not our brains... Yes when I see pictures of me from Saturday night I see tiny... I can see that... but that does not mean I don't see fat in my head...
sucks to be us.
You are beautiful both inside and out...and I think your boobs are just fine darling...
you are not thick...
if i tell you I feel fat will you want to kill me? I do.... we fix our bodies not our brains... Yes when I see pictures of me from Saturday night I see tiny... I can see that... but that does not mean I don't see fat in my head...
sucks to be us.
Nessa
Ticker is from Day of Surgery.. weight goal is personal preference as I've MET my doctor's goal
--
HG/SW/CW/GW
286/253/150/151
Ticker is from Day of Surgery.. weight goal is personal preference as I've MET my doctor's goal
--
HG/SW/CW/GW
286/253/150/151
Can I give you a hug? I am happy for you that you had great friends around at the conference. And so sad after reading your post an dchecking your website that you still feel the way you do about your looks. To me you look just as good / skinny as the other people in the pictures of your post. You have come such a ways - do not let that voice in your head ruin it for you. I remember how similar I felt after I had lost 180 pounds on WW. (I did gain the weight back during my 2nd pregnancy) Now looking back at those pictures I see how good I looked - but back then all I could see was myself still sticking out like a sore thumb. I promised myself not to let that happen again this time around. We waste so much time belitteling our accomplishments that we fail to enjoy our success. So I am telling you again - you look wonderful, you put a lot of hard work into this body you have now. Enjoy it and appreciate it for what it is! I know this is easier said that done but I am cossing my fingers that counseling will help you get through this "head torture".
Hugs! Angela
Hugs! Angela
Nothing changes overnight.
Oh my Lora...
Ok, so I'm not going to do the rainbows and sunshine thing. Cuz I know that'd get on my nerves.
But I will say this. I know how you feel!
I am 195 lbs. And I feel like I need to justify that most of the time. Most folks say I don't look 195 lbs. That's neither here nor there to me. The fact is I am 195 lbs. And I had weight loss surgery. And yes that ****** me off very, very, VERY much.
Seeing some further out folks also had an effect on me. There seems to me to be two camps of long-termers from what I saw (and please if you read this don't get offended. This is not a character statement just a fact). There are those who got super-duper surgery and ended up way too thin, maybe bounced back up to just right and trot along happily. And then there are the rest of us. And, as a group, we've picked up a few pounds. And we still live our health(esque) lifestyles. And we are not regretful at having gotten our surgeries but we are all in different bodies than we expected to be in going into this thing.
That scared the holy **** out of me frankly. Because despite my efforts that's the direction I'm going in. No matter how much or little I eat. No matter how much I work out. My body does not want to be slim. I personally consider myself a smaller fat gal instead of a bigger one. And no, nothing you can say can change that opinion in my mind. I guess I'll hold onto it until my brain receives significant proof otherwise.
Now before you all go "damn, this is the most depressing post Nik has ever written..." know this:
I am 100% accepting of who and what I am. I'm a woman. And I like my womanly-ness. I could not say that two and a half years ago. And call me conceited if you want but I think I'm damn pretty. So I understand why I get men who look at me as I walk down the street and get hit on. Being pretty is one thing. I saw many gorgeous folks at the conference. OWNING YOUR PRETTYNESS is quite another. That is what people pick up on and respond to. So I have resolved to own my process and try my best to be the most sexy, vivacious, fabulous 195 lb. RNY post-op ever. And so I ride mechanical bulls, and I do Beyonce dances in public, and I wear short dresses, and I am loud, and I Paris Hilton whenever a camera is pointed in my direction. Even in a convention full of people who are either smaller than me or someday will be.
So for you Lora, I continue to hope for you to truly own your beauty. Because it's there girlie. I see. Everyone else sees it. But until you see it, you'll probably always feel this way. And it's a lousy way to feel.
So hugs. You are beautiful. On the outside as well as on the inside.
If all else fails...I'll try and get you an honorary black girl card
In black culture you have the PERFECT figure and your boobs...let's just say you'd never have to pay a bill again in your LIFE. Men would be tripping over themselves to be with you!
Ok, so I'm not going to do the rainbows and sunshine thing. Cuz I know that'd get on my nerves.
But I will say this. I know how you feel!
I am 195 lbs. And I feel like I need to justify that most of the time. Most folks say I don't look 195 lbs. That's neither here nor there to me. The fact is I am 195 lbs. And I had weight loss surgery. And yes that ****** me off very, very, VERY much.
Seeing some further out folks also had an effect on me. There seems to me to be two camps of long-termers from what I saw (and please if you read this don't get offended. This is not a character statement just a fact). There are those who got super-duper surgery and ended up way too thin, maybe bounced back up to just right and trot along happily. And then there are the rest of us. And, as a group, we've picked up a few pounds. And we still live our health(esque) lifestyles. And we are not regretful at having gotten our surgeries but we are all in different bodies than we expected to be in going into this thing.
That scared the holy **** out of me frankly. Because despite my efforts that's the direction I'm going in. No matter how much or little I eat. No matter how much I work out. My body does not want to be slim. I personally consider myself a smaller fat gal instead of a bigger one. And no, nothing you can say can change that opinion in my mind. I guess I'll hold onto it until my brain receives significant proof otherwise.
Now before you all go "damn, this is the most depressing post Nik has ever written..." know this:
I am 100% accepting of who and what I am. I'm a woman. And I like my womanly-ness. I could not say that two and a half years ago. And call me conceited if you want but I think I'm damn pretty. So I understand why I get men who look at me as I walk down the street and get hit on. Being pretty is one thing. I saw many gorgeous folks at the conference. OWNING YOUR PRETTYNESS is quite another. That is what people pick up on and respond to. So I have resolved to own my process and try my best to be the most sexy, vivacious, fabulous 195 lb. RNY post-op ever. And so I ride mechanical bulls, and I do Beyonce dances in public, and I wear short dresses, and I am loud, and I Paris Hilton whenever a camera is pointed in my direction. Even in a convention full of people who are either smaller than me or someday will be.
So for you Lora, I continue to hope for you to truly own your beauty. Because it's there girlie. I see. Everyone else sees it. But until you see it, you'll probably always feel this way. And it's a lousy way to feel.
So hugs. You are beautiful. On the outside as well as on the inside.
If all else fails...I'll try and get you an honorary black girl card
In black culture you have the PERFECT figure and your boobs...let's just say you'd never have to pay a bill again in your LIFE. Men would be tripping over themselves to be with you!I need to ponder some of this, but it is nice to know that someone else really GETS it.
Want some more irony? (Personally, I live for irony...) One of the most disappointing pictures from my standpoint was the one from Friday afternoon of my first (and last) Paris Hilton posing lesson... with you!
Yeah, work on getting me that honorary black girl card for me, LOL.
big hug,
Lora
14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
Well if it makes you feel better, my big piece of discovery from the conference is that I do weird neck angles in pictures! I have to work on that. Please PM me your e-mail address. I have something I want to send you with regards to this subject that I think you’ll be able to connect with.
RNY Gastric Bypass 1-8-08 350/327/200 (HW/SW/CW). I spend most of my time playing with my food over at Bariatric Foodie - check me out!
I say this again and again the mental part of this journey is the toughest part. You are an inspiration and you have done an amazing job. I hope after 3 years I can maintain my weight loss like you have. I loved your dress and your shoes were rockin!!!
I think as women we are programmed to be our toughest critics and it is hard to get out of this cycle. I am not sure what the magic answer is but when I figure it out I will let you know :)
Hugs
Christy
I think as women we are programmed to be our toughest critics and it is hard to get out of this cycle. I am not sure what the magic answer is but when I figure it out I will let you know :)
Hugs
Christy
I posted this poem a couple of weeks ago. I wrote this about a year ago. I am slowly learning to love myself and realizing how wonderful it can be. Instead of looking at all the negative things about me I am trying to find all the positive things and remind myself that no one is perfect and that is what makes us special. We are all different. The media makes us believe that size 0 is the perfect size but personally I don't know many size 0's and if I do they all look sickly in real life.
What I am trying to say is look at how far you have come. Realize how truly beautiful you are. Be who you are and love yourself for who you are.
I know that is easier said than done. But each day I am doing better.
Here is the poem by the way.
I give away my love to everyone
When it is time to love me, I have none
When I see your face, I can’t help but grin
But look in the mirror, where do I begin?
I’m getting old; my hair is turning grey
“That really shouldn’t matter" is all they say.
I weigh too much and hate the way I look
I can’t help it; I am really a great cook.
I don’t like the freckles or the age spots
Freckles are for kids, and age spots are not.
I try over and over to love me
But loving myself is not that easy.
I know God loves me, which should be enough
I’m told that’s plenty, but it’s still too tough.
It’s easy to love people so freely
How can I love everyone…except me?
What I am trying to say is look at how far you have come. Realize how truly beautiful you are. Be who you are and love yourself for who you are.
I know that is easier said than done. But each day I am doing better.
Here is the poem by the way.
I give away my love to everyone
When it is time to love me, I have none
When I see your face, I can’t help but grin
But look in the mirror, where do I begin?
I’m getting old; my hair is turning grey
“That really shouldn’t matter" is all they say.
I weigh too much and hate the way I look
I can’t help it; I am really a great cook.
I don’t like the freckles or the age spots
Freckles are for kids, and age spots are not.
I try over and over to love me
But loving myself is not that easy.
I know God loves me, which should be enough
I’m told that’s plenty, but it’s still too tough.
It’s easy to love people so freely
How can I love everyone…except me?
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