The "other side" of the Cincy OH conference (for me, that is)

I'm right there with you Lora. Most of the time I'm fine with where my body has decided to be and I can accept that I have no control over the scale or that whole "goal weight" crap.  But there are days -- and often it's when I'm surrounded by people who are at or below their goal -- when I feel like a big fat failure. So yeah, I totally get what you're saying and can sympathize with how you feel.

My BRAIN knows I'm successful. We know we're healthy and that we're a normal size and that we will live a longer life because we've taken the steps to get the excess weight off.  I know all of that in my  head. 

But my EMOTIONS seem to scream a lot louder than my brain sometimes. I see pictures of myself and cringe sometimes. Or I stand next to a tiny little skinny person who had WLS and lost all the weight they wanted (and then some) and feel the jealousy beast creeping up on me without warning.  But emotions lie. They aren't listening to the truth.

Emotions scream frantically through a bullhorn and they get all the attention.  Our brain speaks truth with a soft voice of reason and strength and we must quiet ourselves in order to hear what it's telling us.  We can't let emotion drown out the truth.

I am so proud of you and how far you've come.  You're my big sister in this WLS world with you being a few months ahead of me on the journey.  You and I have gone through a lot of the same struggles with the scale.... having to come to terms with the fact that it isn't going to do what we want it to do.  Biology sucks. But we must rest assured that there's a reason we were given the bodies we have and there's a reason the weight loss has stopped before we wanted it to. 

I hate it when we have to do hard things.  But we CAN do hard things and this might be one of the hardest ... to truly accept and love ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what biology hands to us.

Pam

How ironic that the people who understand the weight struggles are the ones who make us feel the most insecure...

It really does help me to know that I am not alone in these feelings... that I am not the only one with an emotional evil little voice.  What makes me most annoyed (with myself) is that I know how hard I worked to get where I am and that no matter what I have tried as far as food and exercise my body has said "no, you WILL stay THIS size",  but yet I harbor this fear that other WLS folks will looking at me and think "if she had only done (or only would do) xxx, she could have lost (or could lose) another 10 pounds... so why doesn't she just do it... why come so far and then "quit"?"

"Biology sucks."  LOL.  Yeah, it does. 

Lora

Lora,  I spoke to you at the conference, trying to get a grip on who you were.  I thought I knew, and you said the thing about your hair but I was still confused.  Frankly, cause you looked so much smaller then your avie did.  Never mind the straight vs. curly hair. 
I do truly get you though.  My goal was to be healthy.  Not to be in a wheelchair with a tube in my throat to breathe.  I succeeded. Yet, when I looked at the pic taken of me with Nikki and Pam, I still looked like the short old FAT lady.  Took me a few days to work that out.  To be small was never my goal, but to see all those tiny people at the conference did do a head game on me too.
So, I am sorry we didn't talk more.  I enjoy your posts and I still didn't get that this woman on OH was YOU in person lol. 
Yes, you are smart and beautiful, through and through.

Lora...thanks for posting this.   I think I'm doing an OK job accepting myself so far but I'm still in the first part of this thing. Although there are days when all I see is my belly instead of the bones in my shoulders and arms! I tell myself that I'm OK with where I am so far, if I stopped losing now I'd be satisfied because I'm so far from where I started but I know that's not the truth. I'll be horribly disappointed if this is as far as I get. Truth sometimes hurts.

I read here all the time about the head games our brains play but this is the first time I've really read specifically how it is for someone so thank you for that. I won't bother repeating how great you've done so far, etc...you know that. And I can't say I know how you're feeling becuase at best I have only a hint of an idea. But I do want you to know you're an inspiration to me, always have been, I don't care where you end up! That...and I'll keep you in my prayer that you and your brain find peace with each other!

Lora -



My ASS was just tagged on Facebook.

I un-tagged it.

It horrifies me to see WHAT I REALLY LOOK LIKE down there.

I'm good with my head, neck, shoulders, upper body to waist, as long as it is ALL COVERED UP.  I feel fine.  Avatars and upper body pictures, I appear -- "small."

But, as soon as my hips, thighs, ass or legs are shown, I feel 320 pounds again.  I am thick, veiny and fat still.  There's nothing I can do to change my body SHAPE.  It just IS.

Seeing some of the taller women, with longer, thinner legs, and women who've had all their excess skin removed, or haven't had and regain, made me a LITTLE sad, but ... I know that there really isn't any reason to feel that way.  They may have trouble somewhere ELSE that I am not aware of.

People hide things. 

People regain weight.

Those who get to goal, are slim and "normal" looking ARE RARE.  It's only that we see them at events, because some of them like to show it off, either to show you HOW it CAN BE DONE -- or that they are still hanging in there.

Any sense?

I am pretty tiny now, lost more than 100% of what my surgeon said was my excess, and to anyone looking at me, I look normal, small even. But I have a lot of health problems, feel like crap a lot, and am just generally unwell. I looked better 4 months ago at 140-150 than I do at 115. I'm thin now, but mentally fragile and unwell.

I agree, sometimes you can't tell what's really going on just by looking at a person. They may have more issues underneath the surface than someone else does on the outside.

No, you can't.

I wish I could make myself believe this, but we are more than our bodies. It's just what we lug around. Who we are is so much more than that, and you are more than that. And you have helped more people in your life than you probably even realize- I know you've helped me a LOT.

I know on "one of those days" it doesn't help, but even if you haven't gotten the body you wanted, you're still ahead of so many others, just by being you.

Thanks, Heather.  I appreciate so much hearing your perspective on things... to know that even though you DID get the body I secretly wanted (but realistically knew I would NEVER get) there are other issues and struggles.

Lora

I felt strange and out of place when I went to the Seattle OH convention. While I enjoyed the speakers, samples, and free clothes I FELT lonely and fat. The plastic surgery barbie models really annoyed me. It was like.."you losing the weight isn't enough..you need to have plastic surgery in order to be a success".
I was at my kidney tranplant work-up day and the transplant surgeon said 'surely you're going to have a tummy tuck"..Grrr..no moron..I'm NOT having any unneccessary surgery. My boobs will always be huge (I've lost 180 pounds and wear a size 38 G bra).
I think the conferences are good but also I think they are for selling stuff. And some of that stuff I just don't need.
I can see you all the way from Seattle and you look lovely.
Take care.
Deb T.