Me 8 Months Later (God Awfully Long)
For as long as I remember I have hated my body. Even before I gained weight. I was one of those kids that was picked on relentlessly as a child. I was normal sized, no funnier looking then any other child but I was a target. I was told thing by my parents like "They just want a reaction, just ignore it" and other pearls of wisdom. In hindsight, although I was a normal child I suffered from low self esteem born from neglect and abuse and I was a perfect target. They just confirmed how I felt about myself anyway.
Then I hit puberty and my body turned on me. I was eating the same way I aways did but I started gaining weight. Now I had a physical reason to hate myself. Everyone else seemed to. I grew up in Los Angeles, which is a very appearance based town, with a mother who was mortified at having a fat child. I was unacceptable and never allowed to forget it.
I went to my first Weigh****chers meeting at age 13. I weighed 132 lbs and I was fat. I was 5'2". I dieted down to 117lbs and everyone loved me. Until I regained the weight.
After that it was a diet doctor for diet pills. I loved those. I lost weight without trying. And regained it even faster when I stopped taking them. The next time I took them they did nothing for me. The magic was gone.
So it went. I remember fasting for 30 days. All I could think about were Big Macs. On the 31st day I was at McDonald's. Every time I lost weight I would regain even more. I finally gave up, believing it was my lot in life to be fat.
I spent the next several decades dieting, losing weight to a normal or near normal size and then regaining to an even bigger size. I would lose weight, get pregnant, gain a bunch of weight, have the baby, lose the weight again and then get pregnant again. I was pregnant 6 times. With all the abuse I have put my body through it's a miracle I could even lose a pound today.
When I was fat I never felt as fat as I was, if that makes sense. I looked in the mirror and would see a fairly normal looking person. It was as if my brain would edit the picture I was seeing in the mirror. Now if I would see a photo of myself I could see how fat I was. I couldn't mentally edit a photo. No wonder I hated to have my picture taken.
When I would lose weight and get thin I always saw myself as fatter then I was. I would look in the mirror and see a chubby person staring back. I could way 125lbs but the person in the mirror weighed 200lbs.
After years of up and down with my weight by 2002 I weighed 240lbs. I decided to have WLS. I choose the surgery that was supposed to give me the best chance of keeping the weight off. I thought I would never be fat again. After I lost all the weight I had a panni. I really thought my life of obesity was over. It wasn't. I managed to be one of the minority of people that regained most of the weight lost with this procedure. It wasn't because of the procedure but the fact that I kept eating the things that made me fat in the first place.
Now, not only was I fat again, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed because of all the people that had known I had WLS and know would know I was a failure. I had even failed WLS. I had no where else to turn. Now when I looked in the mirror I saw myself exactly as I was, a morbidly obese person. There was no more mental editing. I couldn't hide from myself anymore.
Not only was I morbidly obese again but I had lost my health, too. I was sicker then I had been when I first sought WLS. I was unable to function. I blamed myself for making the decision to have surgery and for having a surgery that altered my body so drastically yet I was still unable to control my eating. My self loathing was the highest it has ever been.
In my quest to regain my health I returned to my surgeon and asked to have my surgery reversed. I know that sounds contradictory but I really didn't care about my weight at that point. My priority was regaining my health. I had no quality of life. I could barely leave my home. I found out that my surgery couldn't be reversed, only revised so I wouldn't malabsorb so much. And he offered to revise my stomach, too, to make it a RNY pouch. I really didn't want to but I was afraid of gaining even more weight. I figured that I had regained 100lbs with malabsorption. I could only imagine the damage I could do without it. I was told that I might not lose any weight. I really didn't care. I just wanted to stop gaining.
So I had the surgery. And was bullied once again by people that didn't agree with my choices. Like I was back in school. By people that emotionally seemed to never have left school. By the people I sought out for support and instead I was called names and had my intelligence and sanity questioned. By the very people that should have had understanding and compassion as former morbidly obese people. Instead I received scorn.
Fortunately that was a small minority of small minded people who apparently couldn't accept people who made different choices then they did. Most of the people were kind and helpful and for that I am grateful. Those are the kind of people I strive to be life. I can't even imagine wanting to go through life hurting people because they don't agree with me. How much pain must a persons soul be in to be so cruel?
But today I have been given a gift. I like my self and I am happy with my body. No, I don't like myself because I am happy with my body. I like myself because I am a good, honest person, a good friend, a person that would rather hurt myself (and has) then hurt another person. Because I care about people, about children and about animals. Because I strive to be helpful and try to make this world a better place.
And now when I look in the mirror I see a normal size person, because I am normal size. Not because I have convinced my brain to see myself that way. I have a lot of scars and some loose skin. Much less then I did 8 years ago for some reason. Or maybe I just don't choose to focus on the loose skin. My life hasn't gotten better because I have lost weight. It has gotten better because I am regaining my health and because I no longer have the side effects that I had lived with. My quality of life has improved 100%. I achieved the goals I had when I had this surgery. To not gain any more weight and to regain my health.
Then I hit puberty and my body turned on me. I was eating the same way I aways did but I started gaining weight. Now I had a physical reason to hate myself. Everyone else seemed to. I grew up in Los Angeles, which is a very appearance based town, with a mother who was mortified at having a fat child. I was unacceptable and never allowed to forget it.
I went to my first Weigh****chers meeting at age 13. I weighed 132 lbs and I was fat. I was 5'2". I dieted down to 117lbs and everyone loved me. Until I regained the weight.
After that it was a diet doctor for diet pills. I loved those. I lost weight without trying. And regained it even faster when I stopped taking them. The next time I took them they did nothing for me. The magic was gone.
So it went. I remember fasting for 30 days. All I could think about were Big Macs. On the 31st day I was at McDonald's. Every time I lost weight I would regain even more. I finally gave up, believing it was my lot in life to be fat.
I spent the next several decades dieting, losing weight to a normal or near normal size and then regaining to an even bigger size. I would lose weight, get pregnant, gain a bunch of weight, have the baby, lose the weight again and then get pregnant again. I was pregnant 6 times. With all the abuse I have put my body through it's a miracle I could even lose a pound today.
When I was fat I never felt as fat as I was, if that makes sense. I looked in the mirror and would see a fairly normal looking person. It was as if my brain would edit the picture I was seeing in the mirror. Now if I would see a photo of myself I could see how fat I was. I couldn't mentally edit a photo. No wonder I hated to have my picture taken.
When I would lose weight and get thin I always saw myself as fatter then I was. I would look in the mirror and see a chubby person staring back. I could way 125lbs but the person in the mirror weighed 200lbs.
After years of up and down with my weight by 2002 I weighed 240lbs. I decided to have WLS. I choose the surgery that was supposed to give me the best chance of keeping the weight off. I thought I would never be fat again. After I lost all the weight I had a panni. I really thought my life of obesity was over. It wasn't. I managed to be one of the minority of people that regained most of the weight lost with this procedure. It wasn't because of the procedure but the fact that I kept eating the things that made me fat in the first place.
Now, not only was I fat again, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed because of all the people that had known I had WLS and know would know I was a failure. I had even failed WLS. I had no where else to turn. Now when I looked in the mirror I saw myself exactly as I was, a morbidly obese person. There was no more mental editing. I couldn't hide from myself anymore.
Not only was I morbidly obese again but I had lost my health, too. I was sicker then I had been when I first sought WLS. I was unable to function. I blamed myself for making the decision to have surgery and for having a surgery that altered my body so drastically yet I was still unable to control my eating. My self loathing was the highest it has ever been.
In my quest to regain my health I returned to my surgeon and asked to have my surgery reversed. I know that sounds contradictory but I really didn't care about my weight at that point. My priority was regaining my health. I had no quality of life. I could barely leave my home. I found out that my surgery couldn't be reversed, only revised so I wouldn't malabsorb so much. And he offered to revise my stomach, too, to make it a RNY pouch. I really didn't want to but I was afraid of gaining even more weight. I figured that I had regained 100lbs with malabsorption. I could only imagine the damage I could do without it. I was told that I might not lose any weight. I really didn't care. I just wanted to stop gaining.
So I had the surgery. And was bullied once again by people that didn't agree with my choices. Like I was back in school. By people that emotionally seemed to never have left school. By the people I sought out for support and instead I was called names and had my intelligence and sanity questioned. By the very people that should have had understanding and compassion as former morbidly obese people. Instead I received scorn.
Fortunately that was a small minority of small minded people who apparently couldn't accept people who made different choices then they did. Most of the people were kind and helpful and for that I am grateful. Those are the kind of people I strive to be life. I can't even imagine wanting to go through life hurting people because they don't agree with me. How much pain must a persons soul be in to be so cruel?
But today I have been given a gift. I like my self and I am happy with my body. No, I don't like myself because I am happy with my body. I like myself because I am a good, honest person, a good friend, a person that would rather hurt myself (and has) then hurt another person. Because I care about people, about children and about animals. Because I strive to be helpful and try to make this world a better place.
And now when I look in the mirror I see a normal size person, because I am normal size. Not because I have convinced my brain to see myself that way. I have a lot of scars and some loose skin. Much less then I did 8 years ago for some reason. Or maybe I just don't choose to focus on the loose skin. My life hasn't gotten better because I have lost weight. It has gotten better because I am regaining my health and because I no longer have the side effects that I had lived with. My quality of life has improved 100%. I achieved the goals I had when I had this surgery. To not gain any more weight and to regain my health.
WLS 10/28/2002 Revision 7/23/2010
High Weight (2002) 240 Revision Weight (2010) 220 Current Weight 115.
Sounds like Lady Tazz has had a growth spurt!
I loved reading your story and thank you for always being a kind and reasonable person withwhom to share this experience with.
You touched on some points that are very personal to me as well, especially the way you define being a target as a child.
Thank you so much for sharing... It was not too long atvall!
I loved reading your story and thank you for always being a kind and reasonable person withwhom to share this experience with.
You touched on some points that are very personal to me as well, especially the way you define being a target as a child.
Thank you so much for sharing... It was not too long atvall!
Mary SW 273 CW 158 GW 160
I can relate to a lot of your experiences. I grew up and still live in Los Angeles county so I know the pressures that come just living in this atmosphere. My mind also edited what I saw in the mirror but when I was a teen it showed me a fat girl instead of the healthy, curvey girl I was. All the girls around me looked like Twiggy and I had big boobs and an hour glass figure. When I look back now I can't believe how down on myself I was. Anyway, I was not a target of anyone but myself and I figured as long as I was already fat why watch what I eat? I also fell in love with diet pills that were magic but surprise, so dangerous they made them illegal LOL It just shows that obesity is so much of an emotional problem. Thank you for sharing your story. By doing so it helped me to remember how I got so big and why I need to work hard to stay focused on my health.
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Thank you for sharing your story as I think it will really help a few people to see things in a different light.
I was also a target of bullying in school and have to tell you that it scars the very essence of who we are.
When I hear things with regard to schools cracking down on bullying, my heart soars as no child should have to go to a place everyday where their self-esteem and feelings of worth are ripped away shred by shred.
The one thing I taught my child was if I ever caught her bullying or making fun of another child, her ass belonged to me...
Again, thanks for sharing and know that you are wished great success as you continue to make your way through the healing process.
I knew you'd been through a lot from some of your postings. But what a well written, well thought out, and very emotionally written from the heart update. You (as one revision to another) have always been a encouragement to me. Our childhoods and the sense of failures have been very much similar.
teri
teri
Teri
Lapbanded 9-16-08 revision from Lapband to RNY on January 11, 2011
HW 273/ 1st surgery 243/Lapband removed 260/ Current 172/ Goal weight 169
LadyT...what an emotional ,heartbreaking and inspirational story...you have really worked hard for your victory. You should be SO proud of your accomplishments and your kind soul. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us...I am so glad you made it through to the other side! I always enjoy reading your posts..you are a huge influence on this site...congratulations on your huge success!
Jeannie
Jeannie
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