I gained 2 to 3 lbs

My lowest weight since surgery was 118, which was probably a little too low for me.  My surgeon and my gastroenterologist both thought it was too low.  Recently I've been about 122-123.  Now, my gastroenterologist said he would really like to see me at 125 next time I see him.  Though I don't know when that will be.

But last night I weighed myself and guess what?  125.8.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I don't think it's too heavy for me and my clothes all still fit and stuff.  

But it's kind of scary.  What if I keep gaining?  Now, I know why I gained.  I've eaten a lot of crap lately.  And I know why.  So I should  be able to fix it.

It's still a little scary.

RIght there with you on the "scary" bench.

My lowest weight was 153 and stayed stable for about 6 months. Now I weigh 159. 6 pounds. It is VERY scary. I am exercising daily and eating very carefully but it seems really stubborn. And it's not just an overnight thing - these pounds have held on now for about 3 months.

Like you, my clothes still fit...but.....

Well, I know I have not been doing what I should be doing.  Chances are if I go back to what I  know to did - and DID for two years - I will quit gaining.

Still scary though.

Intellectually I am aware that the scale number is not an important factor to success as much as other numbers are. But emotionally it is crucial. I wear size eight. I should be pleased at that. However, I want to get down another 30 pounds to really believe I am successful. What is the problem with that? I have good labs and great sugar levels and am really fitter and healthier than I had been for the last thirty years before my surgery. I may be at the best fitness level ever in my teen and adult life. So why do I feel I need to get to 125 on the scale? If you are being told to gain any weight for whatever reason I bet it is scary to think it. That scale number is too ingrained in our emotional psyches.

And it's the gaining that's scary, you know?  If I'd stopped losing at 130 I would have been perfectly happy.  It's not even the number on the scale so much, it's the idea of the number going up.  What if it keeps going up?  What if I just keep getting bigger and bigger?

We all share a long history of failed weight loss attempts. And I think that history of failure haunts us, even at our "normal" weights.

Failure has conditioned us well.

It scares us all.

The trick now is to be sure that fear of failure does NOT immobilize us! That it does NOT win by paralizing us into inaction!

We are NOT "normal" eaters. For me, disordered eating has been a way of life for my ENTIRE life. I started binging as a preschooler if you can imagine that. I hid /hoarded food starting in 5th grade. I may wear a size 8 - even a 6 on a good day - and I may "look normal" on the outside, but eating is the area where I cannot become complacent. Eating and exercise are like prescription drugs for me. They are essential to a healthy life!

THIS is where support becomes so essential! Sometimes we stray off the path and need a kick in the a**, Sometimes we need encouragement. And sometimes we need to admit these difficult feelings before interia sets in and our "couple of pounds" regain becomes 10 or 15 or 50. We are so blessed with an online community of people who "get it."

I am happy with the mid-150's. I always say that if I ever crack the 140's it will be a pure miracle (so if anyone sees the sky open up, or a burning bush or anything like that, you'll know I hit 149, ok?)

I do not eat refined sugar but do indulge in SF ice cream as a treat (another whole topic there). I rarely eat refined carbs - maybe 3 bites of bread twice a month - and no pasta, rice, etc. I do eat fruit daily and occasionally a sweet potato or a few bites of a baked potato if we are eating out. No processed snack foods. I read labels. No soda. No drinking with meals. No caffeine.

Dang it, I am a BORING eater, aren't I!!!

For me, the key is to watch that I don't overeat. I can still do this - can eat to the point of discomfort, just as I did when I would stuff myself pre op. Even if I stuff myself with lettuce or chicken....not good. And that old habit is dying hard.

So yes, those "what if" questions will, I think, plague us for the rest of our lives. But along with the fear of failure that can immobilize us if we let it, we can take advantage of a healthy level of fear to raise the alarm and spur us on.

That's what I hope for myself, anyway.

Not to maintainance yet, but it is really scarey for me.  After all, most of us lost weight before, we just couldn't keep it off.  Sounds like you are still ok and within where you need to be, but now you need to stay there.  Keep us informed as to how you do it.  This really is a life long journey.

I can tell you know how I can do it.  I  need to only eat junk foods very occasionally in moderation - I can eat two or three potato chips or one small cookie on holidays.  I just can't eat those things every day.  And I need to keep  measuring my food and paying attention to serving size.

Kelly, I totally understand what you are saying.  I was fighting to gain weight back.  I felt that 145 was too small.  After seeing the scale move up my anxiety went up.  Now I'm back to eating what I know I should and trying to get down to 140.  I know I'm only 13 mos out and I haven't had the "bounce back" yet.  I just don't want to be close to 150 after my "bounce back."

This just goes to show how much our minds mess with us.

I am afraid of the whole idea of accepting "bounce back" weight.

Many on the boards who are long term post ops have managed to do well without accepting added weight. And since my weight is still (slightly) into the "overweight" BMI category I really do not want to resign myself to gaining.

Maybe I am more rigid than most in my thinking about this,