dealing with depression - need some advice

If you've never dealt with depression, feel free to offer sympathy, but I don't think I want your advice.  Because unless you've been here, I just don't think you can imagine what it's like.

And please don't tell me that the answer is to just do what I need to do.  That's like someone telling you, when you were morbidly obese, that the answer was just to quit eating so much.  I bet someone did tell you that and apparently that wasn't the right advice, since you needed surgery.

So here's the thing.  I have dealt with depression (and PTSD) my whole life.  At least since junior high school.  I feel like I've literally tried everything.  I've been on more than 30 meds.  Seriously.  I've been hospitalized, in different types of programs.  I've been in counseling for years and years.  I recently completed 15 or 16 sessions of ECT.  

Sometimes the depression gets a little better, and sometimes it gets worse.  But it never really goes away.  I am not suicidal right  now and I am able to get out of bed every day and take a shower and stuff like that.  But I'm still in bad, bad shape.

I have no energy or motivation.  My house is a mess and I have no energy or motivation to clean it.  I haven't cooked a meal in ages.  I haven't gone grocery shopping.  I've been eating a lot of protein bars and crackers because I have those in the house and they require no preparation.  I'm unhappy with this state of affairs.  But don't tell me to just clean and just go shopping.  If I could, I would.

I've also been kind of disoriented or confused, I think from the ECT.  Yesterday I got lost driving to Walmart.  Today I got lost going to the post office.  Both places I have gone hundreds of times, I bet.  I feel incompetent.

I just feel very discouraged and hopeless.  This is not what I want for myself.  Not how I want my life to be.  But I feel it is never going to get better.

Does anyone have any advice to offer?  Other than just do it?

Kelly,

I can understand from past experiences and I can't tell you what you need to do, but I can share what has helped me.  Again, this is just me.  Take what you want and leave the rest.

When I find ways to help others it makes me think about me less.  The more I focus on others, the less I focus on me.  Not perfect, but when I am helping others i feel better.

Also, I know that the more physically active I am, the better I feel.

Again, this is what works for me.  If it helps fine, if not God Bless.

Steve

Where do you find the energy to be physically active when you're this depressed?  I know they always say exercise helps depression.  Right now walking to the kitchen to get a drink seems like it takes an incredible amount of energy.

In my experience, I didn't find the energy.  I just made myself "do something".  I also am helped by doing something "productive."  I do that by knitting.  If I knit 2 inches on something - then I can see something "accomplished".

For some people being outside and working in the dirt is helpful - not for me - I'm an indoor, sedentary type.

My biggest help has been my faith.  There are so many times I just "put it all" in Gods hands.  I ask Him to let me see the "glass half full", I think on whatever is pure, lovely ,admirable, noble, true, excellent, right and praiseworthy .(Not lies - God is the author of all good things so the bad thoughts aren't from God). So often we have "stinkin' thinkin'".  Can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.    I read Scripture, pray, meditate.  I teach a weekly Bible study and that helps me stay in Scripture and learn and deepen my faith.  My "worth" comes from who God says I am.  I am valuable.  God doesn't value me for what I can do, but for who I am - his beloved daughter.  This gives me such peace.  I don't "trust my feelings".  Often my feelings are lies.

Listening to audible books, or podcasts while I knit is multitasking - learning and doing at the same time. 

I don't have the answers for you.  I do believe you are here for a purpose.  I had noticed your absence on the OH boards.  There are those *****ally need your support.  They ask for you specifically.  I understand when  you don't feel motivated to go online - just saying you are needed and we miss you.

I hope you can find answers for you.  Sending prayers and best wishes  your way.

I do appreciate the fact that I am helpful to some here sometimes.  I do get a lot of help and support here for myself, too.  But I enjoy being able to be of help to others.

Another thing I do is participate in a prison ministry where I write letters to some women that are in prison.  I enjoy it a lot.  The support means so much to them, but I get friendship and support from them too.  I am careful about what personal stuff I share but I still get support.  And I am often able to motivate myself to at least write a short card, because I know if my mail just stops for a while, they worry and really miss the support.

You're right about not trusting feelings, about feelings being lies.  I know mine often are.  But sometimes it's hard to know that.

Steve, this is very true for me too.  In doing something for someone else, I forget myself, and that is a relief. 

The odd thing is, depression is partly brought on by neglecting my self!  Yet, there is relief in forgetting myself. 

I know it is hard.  The hardest part was putting on my tennis shoes.  I had to have someone go with and motivate me a little.  If you wanted a virtual walking partner, count me in.  I would make a commitment to walking 20 minutes a day if you would. 

Steve

I have dealt with depression since I was 9 years old.

However, during my psych eval for surgery, it came to my attention that my depression is situational.  The two major/bad things that have happened in my life caused my depression, and while it has lasted for years, I think knowing WHY I was depressed helped me.

I have hated it when people tell me "just get over it"...seriously?  Do you think I WANT to feel this way all the time???  If I could "just get over it", I would have by now.

I don't have any advice, but I do have empathy.  I am glad you are able to vocalize it.  When you can't, that's when I would get really worried.

Absolutely no advice.  I've been struggling myself... but still managing.  I'm so so sorry!

I attend a group for people with depression - facilitated by a M.D.psychotherapist.  She is very hands off and just lets us have our process.  We tend to isolate, so it is strange to be in a group with fellow depressives.  We've been meeting weekly for two years.  I spent the first year figuring that I didn't belong there ...  I've been sliding for the worse lately... but notice that some of the folks are better.  But everyone keeps coming back.  A couple of people dropped out early on - I think they were more severely depressed and couldn't handle it.  Or maybe it just wasn't for them.

Is there anyone who can help you?  Who can make some meals for you?  Do a little housework?

I guess my intuition tells me it is important to keep reaching out.   Not likely this is helpful, and that's ok.  It's important for those who don't know depression to get some idea of just how devastating it can be.  Thanks for writing.

The thing I do to avoid severe depression is surround myself with people and places I "need" to go. I have a step daughter who is 25 and she really hasn't a whole lot going on, so she and I do about 1 errand a day, and when I have no umph to get up and get moving, she helps me. And, when she has no umph to get up and get moving, I help her. And, when neither of us has umph, well, it gets a little ugly with the laying around but usually one or the other off us snaps out of it in a day or two.

I know that having a full time friend on hand is not really practical, but it's one of the few things that has helped me stave off depression consistently. For a while there, I did have about 4 or 5 friends that had standing dates so it wasn't always the same person. That did help me too, knowing for example that Stephanie was coming to watch a movie with me on Tuesday morning, or that Jamie was planning on going to walk the dogs with me on Thursday. It got me moving in the right direction.

I know this sucks. I want to say that it will get better, but I think we both know that is frequently a crock of bull. So, I'll say Hang in There!

Huggles!!
~Sarah~