dealing with depression - need some advice

Kelly,

I have been depressed since I was 14 years old, that was the first ime I was aware of feeling so bad that I was suicidal.  Since that time, I have only not been depressed for a couple of days at a time.  I am cyclothymic, possible type 2 bipolar with overwhelming depressive symptoms.  I've been hospitalized once, but should have been on other occasions. 

Right now, I am functional, at least to the outside world.  I work a responsible job successfully, but many days it takes everything I have to fulfill my commitment to my job.  It helps that I care deeply about about the people I serve, that keeps me going, when I would not be able to keep going just for myself.  

Like you, my house is a mess, and I can't bring myself to take the steps to clean it.  I am a therapist, so I know all about setting small, manageable goals.  I can set the goals, but actually meeting them is something else. 

I am afraid of being a failure with this surgery, because I am not drinking like I should, eating like I should, exercising or taking my supplements.  Doing the "right" thing for me is very difficult.

So, where is the advice?  Well, my life is still worth living because I have people other than myself to care for and about.  Also, I have been helped with the latest meds mix.  I am doing the best I have in years on three meds.  So, that lets me hang on, though I don't think I'll ever not have some level of depression.  My best advice for you is to keep trying the meds combinations and don't give up too soon on any given med unless the side effects are harmful to you.  Also, like others have said, find a way to be of service to others.  Volunteer somewhere that compels you to go out of the house.  Somewhere that failing to show up would make you feel you were letting other people down.  This keeps me going.  My children and grandchildren are all far away, so I don't get out of bed for them, but I do get out of bed for abused women and children.  That keeps me going and gives me meaning in my life.  I also have a strong spiritual base in my life, that too keeps me going when all else fails. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish that I had some amazing advice.  You are cared about by many "strangers" out here.

Kelly, you're right, I don't understand, but I do know it is a real, tangible problem, and you aren't just choosing NOT to do what you need to do, there is something deeper at work here. I know that you have hopse the ECT will help you to overcome, or get a greater handle on your depression, and I hope that what you are going through right now is only a precursor to healing.

I'm feelin depressed today too, but for me, I know it's situational.

Kelly,
I have no idea what you are going through, but I just want you to know I care about you and am really sorry for all you are going through. If nothing else, I'm sending big HUGS your way. I know it's not much, but I'm out here for you.
Jan

 Like the others have said, I don't have any advice.  I can't even help myself.  I could have written it myself except the ECT part, at least to this point.  And I went through a long period when I couldn't even bother to get dressed.  Now I do that, at least most of the time.
What I do know is that the way that I am feeling is not the way I will feel for the rest of my life.  For some reason I feel like my feelings are permanent, good or bad.  When I am down I feel like it will never get better and when I feel good I feel like I will never feel bad again.  And what I know is that I am wrong in both cases.
I know it will get better.  And it will get worse.  That is the only thing I can count on.  It never stays the same, as much as I'd like it to at times.
I do believe in prayers.  Some times it just takes more energy then I have though.

 I know you said you didn't want to go inpatient, but if you ever do want to go in the furture, I have a hopsital to recomend. I don't know your insurance, or your situation though. I have been to the Trauma Disorders Unit at Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore, MD. I have also been on many other units as well, and they were as your described... no therapy, just pills, and one or two groups a day and then tv for the rest. On this unit, they actually have groups that help and teach skills to use and such related to coping with trauma. You see a psychiatrist every day for the first 2 weeks, and then monday to friday after that. You get individual therapy three times per week. They specialize in treating trauma disorders like PTSD and DID. Here is the link if you want to take a look.http://www.traumaatsp.org/


I cannot say exactly what has helped me to work through my depression. I just know that the treatment I got while at Sheppard Pratt helped me a lot. I also have a great therapist at Sheppard Pratt who I currently work with. I consider myself very lucky to be able to see him. Therapist there rarly have openings to see new patients.

The only adivce I can offer is, that if you don't journal (or haven't tried it), give that a try. Journaling seems to be an outlet for me. It really helps. I know this isn't true for everyone though. 

Thanks for the suggestion of Sheppard Pratt.  I had a good friend that was there once.

Several years ago I was at the Trauma Disorders Program at Forest View in Michigan, and it was like that - individual therapy and great groups.  The problems is my insurance.  I have Medicare and Medicaid.  Most out of state places won't take Ohio Medicaid, so if I go out of state, I have to pay the part Medicare doesn't.  I've used up so many inpatient days by now, I have to pay something like $500 EACH DAY.  I can't afford that. 

I need some place to go in Ohio.  Last time I did go to a hospital about an hour from my home, because my local hospital is TERRIBLE, and I called ahead of time and asked a bunch of questions, and I swear, they lied to me.  They told me they did a bunch of groups and had individual therapy available if needed and all kinds of stuff, then I got there, and they did not.  I was really mad.

 Ugh. I know how that is. I hate that places out of state won't take the insurance. I have the same insurances, but since I live here, its not a problem. I have used up all my days and had to purchase a medigap policy to cover hospital stays in case I need more. It has helped me alot to have it cause it covers copays and my copays cost way more than what I spend each month on it. 

I hate when I go to a program and they says it is one thing, but it is actually another. 

I wish I could offer you more advice, but I can't. Just know that I can somewhat understand where you are and how you feel. I have been in a good place for about a year now. I still can't believe that I'm doing well and I'm kind of bracing myself for a setback. From all that I've been through, there is no way that I can believe things will stay this good for long. I am trying to make the best of the time though. I don't want to be negative and think that things will get bad again, but it seems like that is how it usually is. But I do know what it feels like to be so depressed that I cannot do anything and people are saying "just do it and get over it" and thinking that there will never be an end. 

I'd like to say things will get better, but in all honesty, I don't know that they will. I haven't lived in your shoes to know that.

I'm not trying to be a downer, just being real. 

I have also dealt with depression much of my life.
After my 3rd cancer operation and radiation treatment I had a break down.
I was unable to drive, go to work or even leave the house.
My Psychiatrist took me out of work on disability.
I live alone so there came a time when I had to go to the grocery store so I did.
After that I just started making myself go out & drive around the block every few days.
I started getting out more & more and since I've had this surgery I'm doing much better.
I also understand what you are saying about energy.
I had none.
I would just lie on the couch & watch TV all day.
Starting to force myself to drive around the block seemed to have worked to get me going.
I truly hope you find some answers.
It's awful to feel so miserable.

Kelly,

My heart goes out to you. I've been there. Bipolar, PTSD, anxiety disorder, the works. Going through medicine after medicine sucks...you lose hope. I've been to MANY different doctors and councelors to try and find the best fit for me. It's hard.

I wish I could give you advice, but every single person is different. My only advice is to try different meds, groups, volunteering, inviting people over to motivate you to cook/clean, go for a walk, whatever gets you out and moving. It is an extremely difficult thing to pull yourself out of, but you have to find the strength to start and keep going.

You always have support here. ALWAYS.  Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent or talk to.

I wish there was other advice to give, but there isn't much to tell you except we all love you and will support you however we can.

Hugs,

Carla

I know if you could "just do it".. you would.  Believe me when I tell you I completely understand.  I have no answers or advice but just want to tell you that I know exactly what you mean and what you are going through.  Depression is an incidious disease and it robs us of our essence to be alive!  I hope you get better and if you want to talk PM me and I will send you my email.  Thinking of you and hope you are better soon.