So my husband and i quit smoking about 9 years ago.  I have been so proud of us.  But recently found how he has been smoking behind my back for the past 4 years.  His work is also out of town a lot so who knows what else i don't know about.  This is a relatively minor issue but its made me feel like crap inside because he was the only person in the world i trusted..he is/was my best friend.  
How is all this good?  It made me realize how much i need to start taking care of myself.  I was a single parent before i met him 12 years ago.  I can do this without him if need be.  I realized how strong i really am.  I know i need to get some counseling to help my soul and heart get strong again.  I know this new job i start today will be a blessing to help me save money.  I know if i have to leave (which i am seriously contemplating when my daughter graduates in June) then i will have some money to be able to do that.  I can't see how i can live with someone whom i trusted with my life to someone who has been lying (i have asked him several times over the years if he is smoking again and he said no) to me and deceiving me for so long.  Today is the day to also start hitting the gym.  I need to work this stress out.  And another good thing..i haven't caved and ran to food for comfort.  Instead i have talked to my daughters.  I have to focus on myself for a change...i can't rely on others to do this...i am moving in the right direction i think...     i never thought i would be that "divorce" statistic and maybe i won't but i won't let this little minor flaw he has developed over the years continue to tear me up inside the way it is.  If we can't work it out this winter..i won't hesitate to pack my bags..

Slow down, Soul Train.....

I understand you feel betrayed by your husband but I am a strong believer in that the punishment must fit the crime.  So he started smoking and didn't tell you about it.  Yes it was wrong but perhaps he was coming from a place of good.  Maybe he was embarrassed that your will power is so much stronger then his.  Maybe he worried that because he caved, if you knew, you might cave also and he knew staying smoke free is whats best for you.

Again, I understand you feel betrayed by him but him smoking and not telling you does not mean he is doing other  things that are worse.  You need to ask yourself if this is really worth ending your marriage over.  If he is a good husband in every sense of the world, a good father to the children and a good provider, then in my opinion, he deserves a break.

The Punishment Must Fit the Crime.

Maybe I misunderstand where she is coming from, but I don't think she is considering leaving in order to punish him.  She does not trust him.  I would not really want to be married to someone I could not trust, either.  I don't think the issue is that he smokes.  It's that he is not honest.

Kelly,

I 100% agree with you.  It's not the deed, but rather the lack of ones overall character that is reflected here.

It's not about whether or not he smoked, but rather how he has broken the bond of trust within his marriage.  And like you, I also could not see myself in a committed relationship with someone I could not trust...

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this.  Have you thought about the two of you going to counseling together?  Did he tell you why he lied to you about smoking?

i understand your hurt and feeling of betrayal.  I went through something like this with my mom.  My dad was able to quit smoking after he had his heart attack.  It was tough and he told me he missed it for the rest of his life.  My mom quit several times.  (When she was pregnant, after she had heart problems etc.)  Each time she would do well for awhile and then go back to it.  She was finally diagnosed with lung cancer and told she had to quit.  We thought she had.  After about a year i started noticing things like smelling smoke on my coat.  I asked her if she was smoking and she said no.  Finally there were too many little things and I had to admit she was smoking again.  I can't tell you how angry I was.  I felt like she was throwing away her life.  It has been 20 years and those emotions are still strong.  I am crying as I type this.  I don't know why she felt she had to lie about it, but I think a lot of it was shame.  (How many of us have hidden the amount of food we ate from our loved ones.  )  I don't know why she wasn't able to quit and so many others have been able to do so.  Through the years I have decided smoking has a stronger hold on some people than others.  She achieved so much and gave much to others, but she could not give up smoking.

I urge you to talk with your husband and tell him your feelings.  I also encourage the two of you to get some counseling. 

 Can I ask how you found out? Could the person that tttled on him have done it out of spite? 

I am sorry to hear that you don't trust your husband, which is the BIG factor here. Not the smoking! Smoking is an addiction. Just like food can be an addiction. A lot of us on here are FOOD ADDICTS!  Even if we stopped! How long could WE hold out? How many of us sneak and eat stuff we are not suppose to? Sooooooooooo I said all that to say this 1. Not one time did you say he was a bad husband 2. Not one time did you say he was a bad husband!
3. Not one time did you say he is a bad father. I am not justifying that what he did was alright, but I am assuming that he is a good person " Your Best Friend" with an addiction. And he can't have surgery to help his "addiction"!  You see, my husband drinks and smokes and I wish he didnt. He tells lies, BUT, He is a good man who loves me (25 years) and he loves our children. I hope you and your husband can get whatever help you guys need to make it on this journey called LIFE!   Together!!            sharon

No, he can't have surgery to help his addiction, but I am not aware of a surgical treatment for any addiction.  Are you?

 Your all a little right.  He said he never told me because he felt ashamed he wasn't strong like me and started again.  He also said he didn't want to bring it around me because he didn't want me to start.  My very first thought when i found out was that i wanted to run to the store and buy a pack of smokes too but i am to damn lazy to have to stop again and thats what kept me away for so long.  I found out because i was in ND with my oldest daughter and my youngest was back in MN with him.  She called me and said she smelled smoke on him and that he was just outside and it was raining..i thought he was starting a fire or something outside.  We also just recently found a lighter hidden in my camper which i had never seen before.  And about 3 years ago i was cleaning out some stuff in the garage and found a pack of smokes and lighter hidden in a can.  I suspected then and asked him but he played dumb.  this time i asked him again..he said no and i asked again and he said yes.  i really thought he was teasing but it just shows how your gut instinct is so right on.  Then he tried to tell me he only smokes sometimes and then it went to he buys a pack of smokes a week to looking at his checkbook i see he buys lots of smokes..I NEVER had reason to doubt and to check on him before. I trusted him.  
My HUGEST thing is that he has lied to me about it..he could have told me back then and we could have nipped it in the bud.  He didn't..and if i asked he lied and said no.  Every year on our anniversary of not smoking i bragged and bragged about it and he never said a word.  I am hurt that he kept it from me and wasn't honest.  I am hurt he kept it from me for soooooo long.  He has never ever done that before and as far as i know never kept anything from me.  So now i just don't trust him.  I won't leave him over him smoking but i would leave him over his dishonesty.  I feel so betrayed like i just walked in and caught him with another women.  Which then makes me think is there other stuff he is hiding from me???  Yes counseling is about to happen for us..although i am not sure i care enough to want to worry about his problems.  I have started this new life and my daughter is almost graduated and i am not sure this marriage is worth fighting for.  We have one minor issue i don't care to talk about also but other than that we are completely compatible for each other or so i thought.  He is a good provider...is decent with my daughter and is awesome good to me.  And i literally have no friends to really talk to about anyof this..i wasn't going to bring it here but i was also proud of my NOT EATING to handle the stress part of it.  thanks for listening...