Surgery Moved up to Feb 28th . . . Getting Nervous!
Trying to breath calm. NUT appt on Wednesday. Psych eval over with. REALLY trying to calm myself. I feel almost shamed by what I'm doing. I don't understand it though. I didn't feel this way before the band, but in my mind the bypass is so much more drastic. Like, "How did I get this out of control?" Am I really that far gone? I feel like I'm being checked into a mental hospital on the 28th or even jail. That's the level of shame I feel. It's totally irrational too. I didn't feel that way about other people who had the bypass, why should I feel that way about myself.
Totally binged today on food and it calmed me until I got the call that everything was moved up a week due to scheduling difficulties. Can't be moved later because of a big meeting presentation I have to give on March 12th, so this is it! My days of self-medicating with food, alcohol, and cigarettes are at an end. and i better find some new coping skills - QUICKLY - for dealing with stress.
Talking here is one of those new skills I guess. It's hard for me I'm not used to opening up to people, as I'm the one people are always opening up to.
There's just so much I feel I'm hiding constantly. That I wear a mask when with anyone except my husband and I'm just so afraid to take it off. This surgery is going to strip me bare, figuratively, emotionally, mentally, physically.
Okay, panic mode has subsided. I don't really even know what I'm babbling about.
Totally binged today on food and it calmed me until I got the call that everything was moved up a week due to scheduling difficulties. Can't be moved later because of a big meeting presentation I have to give on March 12th, so this is it! My days of self-medicating with food, alcohol, and cigarettes are at an end. and i better find some new coping skills - QUICKLY - for dealing with stress.
Talking here is one of those new skills I guess. It's hard for me I'm not used to opening up to people, as I'm the one people are always opening up to.
There's just so much I feel I'm hiding constantly. That I wear a mask when with anyone except my husband and I'm just so afraid to take it off. This surgery is going to strip me bare, figuratively, emotionally, mentally, physically.
Okay, panic mode has subsided. I don't really even know what I'm babbling about.
I'm sorry you're feeling so much shame over seeking treatment for a medical problem. I'm sorry you would feel ashamed of seeking treatment for a mental health problem, too, which is just another type of medical problem. Would you be ashamed checking into the hospital to get your gall bladder removed, or to have a baby (not that pregnancy and childbirth are typicall medical problems)? But if it's OK to get treatment for those things, why is it shameful to get treatment for obesity or mental illness?
I'm in a super sensitive mood today so I'm trying not to get worked up about this. But I'll just say I've checked into mental hospitals a number of times in my life and I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm not ashamed of having RNY, either.
I wish you luck with your surgery and I hope you can come to see it as simply seeking treatment for a health problem, and there is no shame in that.
I'm in a super sensitive mood today so I'm trying not to get worked up about this. But I'll just say I've checked into mental hospitals a number of times in my life and I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm not ashamed of having RNY, either.
I wish you luck with your surgery and I hope you can come to see it as simply seeking treatment for a health problem, and there is no shame in that.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Naturally when any of us post on here, we are talking about ourselves and our own experiences. I have sought help for my depression, but on the one occassion I came close to hospitalization in my early 20's it was shameful for me because I had put off treatment so long that it got crazy. That is what is shameful. Being at the final resort for whatever illness or disorder you have. You question yourself and wonder what else you could've tried to keep from being in this predicament.
In my line of work, I am constantly wearing a mask, having to be extra careful what I say around people and have to pretend that I have no problems because people come to me with mental illness and various mental disorders for help.
For just a tiny moment, I was taking off my mask and just venting some seriously strong emotions about how I was feeling about myself. I'm sorry you took it personally.
I certainly do not feel that others should be ashamed, I even stated that in my post about friends of mine who had gotten RNY and I didn't think they were doing anything shameful.
I was really hoping this was a place where I could be open about my feelings ABOUT MYSELF with no judgement, because I'm strapped in an emotional corset all day.
Once again, sorry for the offense. And the hormones haven't even started flooding my system yet.
In my line of work, I am constantly wearing a mask, having to be extra careful what I say around people and have to pretend that I have no problems because people come to me with mental illness and various mental disorders for help.
For just a tiny moment, I was taking off my mask and just venting some seriously strong emotions about how I was feeling about myself. I'm sorry you took it personally.
I certainly do not feel that others should be ashamed, I even stated that in my post about friends of mine who had gotten RNY and I didn't think they were doing anything shameful.
I was really hoping this was a place where I could be open about my feelings ABOUT MYSELF with no judgement, because I'm strapped in an emotional corset all day.
Once again, sorry for the offense. And the hormones haven't even started flooding my system yet.
OK, I thought really hard about my response and I hope I can say this right. Because I really don't mean to come across as judgmental and I can see how I might have done so in my last post.
I realize you're talking about yourself, not about me. You're saying you feel shame about needing WLS and that being admitted to a mental hospital would be shameful to you, not that I (or anyone else) should feel ashamed of those things. I get that. And this is a place where you can talk openly and honestly about all your feelings.
When you talk openly and honestly about your feelings, though, sometimes that stirs up feelings in other people. And then those people have a right to talk opening and honestly about their feelings.
I realize you were talking about yourself, but when someone says they feel ashamed of needing WLS or ashamed of seeking mental health care, it's hard not to consider that in light of how I feel about those things. If you feel ashamed of needing WLS, then does that mean WLS is something shameful? Should I feel ashamed? Why is there such stigma about needing treatment for things like obesity and mental illness, when it's perfectly acceptable to seek treatment for other conditions? And what can we do - what can I do - to decrease that stigma and shame? What feels right to me is to say "Hey, wait a minute, I'm not ashamed of this."
I'm not offended and I hope you're not, either. I hope we can just both share our feelings and learn from each other.
I realize you're talking about yourself, not about me. You're saying you feel shame about needing WLS and that being admitted to a mental hospital would be shameful to you, not that I (or anyone else) should feel ashamed of those things. I get that. And this is a place where you can talk openly and honestly about all your feelings.
When you talk openly and honestly about your feelings, though, sometimes that stirs up feelings in other people. And then those people have a right to talk opening and honestly about their feelings.
I realize you were talking about yourself, but when someone says they feel ashamed of needing WLS or ashamed of seeking mental health care, it's hard not to consider that in light of how I feel about those things. If you feel ashamed of needing WLS, then does that mean WLS is something shameful? Should I feel ashamed? Why is there such stigma about needing treatment for things like obesity and mental illness, when it's perfectly acceptable to seek treatment for other conditions? And what can we do - what can I do - to decrease that stigma and shame? What feels right to me is to say "Hey, wait a minute, I'm not ashamed of this."
I'm not offended and I hope you're not, either. I hope we can just both share our feelings and learn from each other.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
ALL addicts feel shame when they have to resort to 'strong arm' methods to control their addiction. For alcoholics, it's Campral. For opiate addicts, it's Suboxone, for Heroin Addicts, it's Methadone, for Marijuana addicts it's Chantix. For me, as a food addict, it's gastric bypass.
I don't know enough about the neurochemical processes of addicts to know how much is environmental and how much is basic screwed up chemistry, like insulin resistance. But, I do know that if you ask anyone you meet on the street if they think the addict has a medical illness and is not to blame for their out of control situation that arises from their addiction - you will find that 99% of people will say that addicts have no willpower, or can just stop with help, with counseling. And for the severe addicts when that is not enough, you undergo a sort of chemical castration that for a short time enables them to not get high off their drug of choice.
I am a food addict, my chemical castration is gastric bypass. Is it shameful for me? YES!
I'm also a nicotine addict and do you know how many times a day I hear from people, "Just quit it's not good for you." Just like binging, it's not good for me. But am I anymore able to quit smoking that to quit binging? Well, I hope so. But if I fail, will I feel shame? YOU BET!
So, thank you. Sincerely, THANK YOU! For helping me get to the heart of my shame and really figure it out. Knowing the cause of a negative emotion is the first step in resolving it.
I don't know enough about the neurochemical processes of addicts to know how much is environmental and how much is basic screwed up chemistry, like insulin resistance. But, I do know that if you ask anyone you meet on the street if they think the addict has a medical illness and is not to blame for their out of control situation that arises from their addiction - you will find that 99% of people will say that addicts have no willpower, or can just stop with help, with counseling. And for the severe addicts when that is not enough, you undergo a sort of chemical castration that for a short time enables them to not get high off their drug of choice.
I am a food addict, my chemical castration is gastric bypass. Is it shameful for me? YES!
I'm also a nicotine addict and do you know how many times a day I hear from people, "Just quit it's not good for you." Just like binging, it's not good for me. But am I anymore able to quit smoking that to quit binging? Well, I hope so. But if I fail, will I feel shame? YOU BET!
So, thank you. Sincerely, THANK YOU! For helping me get to the heart of my shame and really figure it out. Knowing the cause of a negative emotion is the first step in resolving it.
It is simply your nerves talking!! There is no shame in taking your life back over! Believe me, It is the best thing I ever could have done for myself, and I feel no regrets!! The band flat out sucked for me!! I hated it, and it was the worst thing I ever did for myself! I am down over a 100 lbs since June 23, 2011, and have something called control over food-not food controlling me!
You need to see this surgery as an aid in regaining control of your life, and your eating habits! Start to train your mind that you don't need to binge to feel better-don't let food be your focus! Think about all the great things you will be able to do when you start losing that extra weight!
I am by far not done losing weight...but have gone from a size 28-30(women's) to a size 16!! I am still losing, and am thrilled that I did the surgery!!
No regrets!!
(((HUGS)))
You need to see this surgery as an aid in regaining control of your life, and your eating habits! Start to train your mind that you don't need to binge to feel better-don't let food be your focus! Think about all the great things you will be able to do when you start losing that extra weight!
I am by far not done losing weight...but have gone from a size 28-30(women's) to a size 16!! I am still losing, and am thrilled that I did the surgery!!
No regrets!!
(((HUGS)))
HW-305 SW-271.5 CW-188 GW-150 Ticker includes -14 lbs pre op diet loss
Congratulations on your weight loss! I hear what you're saying. I guess for someone like me who is so used to being in control of everything . . . EXCEPT food and cigarettes -- I feel more shame about that loss of control than I do about actually getting help for it. I know that and that's why even though I'm scared to death and about to enter into something extremely difficult, I'm kicking my butt the whole way, saying, "You're going to get in there and get this done because this is where you're binging has gotten you."
I'm really hard on myself and I guess I hold myself to such high standards that I would never ever dream in a million years of holding anyone else to. This is something that I work on in therapy and have been working on in therapy since I was able to escape my mother, who was the same exact way with me. It's probably something I'll be working through for the rest of my life.
I do want so badly to have control over this area of my life again. I really hope I don't screw this up too, like I did with the band. Though, I'm using the mistakes, and there were many, that I made with the band from the get-go and saying, "Not this time!" This time I don't think I'm smarter than the doctors and make up my own rules. This time I do what I'm told to do - SO HARD - and follow the instructions to a T! And if I disagree with the instructions, discuss it with my team until they convince me otherwise.
I'm really hard on myself and I guess I hold myself to such high standards that I would never ever dream in a million years of holding anyone else to. This is something that I work on in therapy and have been working on in therapy since I was able to escape my mother, who was the same exact way with me. It's probably something I'll be working through for the rest of my life.
I do want so badly to have control over this area of my life again. I really hope I don't screw this up too, like I did with the band. Though, I'm using the mistakes, and there were many, that I made with the band from the get-go and saying, "Not this time!" This time I don't think I'm smarter than the doctors and make up my own rules. This time I do what I'm told to do - SO HARD - and follow the instructions to a T! And if I disagree with the instructions, discuss it with my team until they convince me otherwise.
Shame would be to know better and not do anything about it...... Remember this is a BRAVE step to take! Even the scary changes, ones that we have to admit our humanness, are necessary ones. Good luck on your upcoming surgery & creating new coping skills for the future!
First ultra: Stone Mill 50 miler 11/15/14 13:44:38, First Full Marathon: Marine Corps 10/27/13 4:57:11, Half Marathon PR 2:04:43 at Shamrock VA Beach Half-Marathon, 12/2/12 First Half-Marathon 2:32:47, 5K PR Run Under the Lights 5K 27:23 on 11/23/13, 10K PR 52:53 Pike's Peek 10K 4/21/13, (1st timed run) Accumen 8K 51:09 10/14/12.
Oh man! Can I relate! (except that I didn't have the band). I will tell you that I'm not an emotional eater; I don't think I have food issues (we'll find out!); and I'm still fat. The most frequent question I get about WLS is why I couldn't just eat less and get the same result. I tell them about my dieting efforts in the past, which almost invariably ended with me weak and sick and totally feeling like a failure. I tell them about ghrelin and about the other things about our bodies that make us indisposed to weight loss. I point to my father's death from obesity-related illnesses, and a family history that predisposes me to obesity.
And I give them all the research and statistics. I send them links to prove that I'm not just "making excuses".
Their eyes glaze over. Seriously. I watch it happen. Six hours or days or weeks later, they ask the same question again.
It's one of the reasons I'm not telling the world (although, I've told more people than I intended to tell, out of necessity of explaining my lack of availability later this week).
And I give them all the research and statistics. I send them links to prove that I'm not just "making excuses".
Their eyes glaze over. Seriously. I watch it happen. Six hours or days or weeks later, they ask the same question again.
It's one of the reasons I'm not telling the world (although, I've told more people than I intended to tell, out of necessity of explaining my lack of availability later this week).
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