Did I overreact to boyfriend's stupid drinking behavior?

I had a major annoyance with my boyfriend Brian last night and am giving him the silent treatment this morning. I can't drink alcohol for a year due to RNY which is fine I don't really miss it. We've been together 3 years and used to drink together once a month or so just to enjoy a drink. Before we lived together he drank alone more often. I didn't like it then and I told him so. So this is not about jealousy on my part for being unable to have a drink with him.  Last night  he started making himself some Jack Daniels and soda last night and said he hasn't drank in a while and felt he deserve it after a rough week. (He hadn't had a drink in several weeks, so that's true. But otherwise,,HE had a rough week? He only worked like 3 days and he wasn'tthe one in pain all wekk and in the ER while still managing to get a car for his kid like I was!) I don't care what his rationale is  or even how much he drank,but he had like 4 strong drinks in an hour and got sloppy. He was watching the news and saying stupid **** to the TV and just sounded really drunk and ignorant. You know what I mean.  He was embarrassing to me.  I finally had enough and said if you want to live like a bachelor, maybe you should go and live with the 2 guys you lived with before I bought the house. Youre'  acting like a ******g idiot and a fool. I don't even love you when you act like this. etc etc. I was pretty harsh but he was acting like a drunken teenager. I said I had enough and went to bed. He followed me and pretty much passed out.   I don't know why I care so much since we were home and at least he wasn't at a bar but come on.  
I don't think I'm overreacting. He is sitting in a chair by me and I'm ignoring him because what he did is a bad exaxmple to my teenage daughter and he was just annoying the way he was loud and obnoxious last night. Who gets drunk by themselves like that? Laura

 

It sounds like you both had a rough week, and weren't communicating very well with each other or meeting each other's needs.

Never try to have a conversation when one or both are drunk- it won't get you anywhere! I hear how angry you are, but see if you can't work with communicating it rather than dumping it all over him.

If this is a one time behavior, try to talk about it when you are both calm and sober- in a nonblaming manner using "I" statements- "I have a hard time with what you did last night." Obviously, continuing the silent treatment will not allow for a constructive conversation. Be clear about what you want to say and why- and stick to the point. Stay focused on the behavior- don't take it personally, and avoid accusations and blaming. See if you can't come to some sort of workable agreement for what you each and both will do in the future.

If there are ongoing patterns of poor communication in the relationship, you might want to seek some couple's counseling to learn more effective skills. Choose a counselor carefully- make sure it's someone you both click with.

Thanks, Anne. I have a therapist I see and I have an appointment next week so maybe it's time to bring him to her again for a group session with the 3 of us. I don't care that he drank, but that he was so obnoxious. It was childish and made it hard for me to respect him as a man. I don't know why. I was sitting there trying to enjoy the television and he was having his own little party in his mind. We communicate well daily and this came out of left field. The silent treatment I'm giving him is only due to the fact I'm too annoyed to speak about it constructively. I know I need to use "I statements" and avoid blame etc.but right now I'm too irritated to be able to do that. I just want to tell him that he acted like an idiot and if he plans on using alcohol as a coping skill on a regular basis, he can pack his things and get out. He acted like a fool and I didn't fall in love with a fool. (His last girlfriend was someone he used to drink with all the time and he said he didn't like that she was always drunk, you'd think he'd relate to that and see  my side!) I don't care that he sits and eats ice cream and chips in front of me every day because I can't have these things and I don't feel deprived or even hungry, but he doesn't need to flaunt it by acting like an idiot drunk. He can go back to his drunken fool girlfriend if he wants that. I'd like to think our relationship is about more than that.

I'm ranting and this is all stuff to mention to my therapist. Thanks for your advice.

Yup, sometimes you have to wait until you cool down! Maybe you can manage to spit out to him "I'll talk when I'm calm!"

Reminds me of a similar stunt my husband pulled a couple of years ago. Oh, I was mad! But we lived through it and talked about it, and it hasn't happened again.

If the relationship is basically a good one, you will work it through! And it sounds like you are doing great work with yourself!

Laura, first of all I am so sorry for your experience last night.  Having grown up with an alcoholic parent, I know that pain well.  I have learned a few things since then and I would like to share them.  One, silent treatment isn't healthy for either of you.  You have feelings that deserve to be expressed and he deserves to hear your feelings rather than pretend he isn't there.  We learn those coping mechanisms like silent treatment when we are children and don't have an adult voice.  It is UNHEALTHY!  :)  I had to learn about boundaried (non-shaming & non-blaming) communication.  For example, when you drank last night, I felt frightened because my ______ used to drink like that and it frightened me as a child.  I also felt hurt when you told me you deserved the alcohol because I felt you didn't recognize the difficulty of my week.  Notice how none of the statements blame or shame, they just acknowledge YOUR reality. 

Additionally, your account sounds like possibly alcohol issues from the past (someone else's drinking) triggered some fears in you last night.  If so, the problem drinking of another can affect us subconsciously for the remainder of our lives.  There are some great resources available such as Al-Anon. 

Wishing you peace,

Thanks, Chris. I normally think that women who give the silent treatment are immature but in this situation I'm doing it because I don't feel calm enough to say anything useful. I'm so annoyed that he would act like such an immature jerk last night. I do feel like he invalidated the rough week I had by doing what he did.

As far as having alcohol issues from the past, I wonder who doesn't nowadays, but you're right. My maternal grandmother had several husbands who were alcoholics and I never met any of them. My mother told me how she spent all her time at the library to avoid being home and how one drunken father chased her own mother around the house with a knife in a drunken rage. Also, my sister Barb got divorced last year from her husband of 15 years because his nightly drinking resulted in him being physically and verbally abusive to her. He was a great guy in the beginning of their marriage but he just drank freqently and treated her like garbage.Now everyone in my family is sensiitve to anyone with a drinking problem and I'm especially concerned with what my father would say about Brian's behavior if he heard about it. My father had no good things to say about my sister's husband and he was right about it anyway. When I learned how bad Barb's husband treated her due to alcohol, I vowed to myself that I would never let a man treat me like that and that I would be aware of the warning signs of an alcoholic. Brian's behavior last night triggered that fear and warning signs in me. He wasn't abusive to me or anything but he was saying things he shouldn't have and wasn't thinking clearly and it made me question our entire relationship.

Very proud of you Laura!  :)

I think you over reacted. We can not expect everyone around us to change their lives to accomodate the lifestyle of WLS. If he drinks once a month than alcohol is not an issue for him.

I think its pretty awful you told him you dont love him when he acts like this. How would you feel if he said that to you?

WHOA!  Talk about slinging shame.  Now THAT was an example of unboundaried communication. 

She asked a question, I answered with my opinion. I am not going to BS the OP to make her feel better. She needs to look at her own behavior and reactions as well as her boyfriends.

If my significant other told me he doesnt love me when Im tipsy I would be very hurt, what happened to unconditional love.

I personally don't think that having four drinks after no drinks in a month is a big deal. So he got silly, maybe he didn't eat enough, it happens. I get the OP had a bad week, her SO says he had a bad week, that is all subjective emotions on both of their parts so true and valid to each of them. I do not feel the boyfriend should have been berated like he was.