Anyone have experience with a Bipolar parent?
As you may know, I'm in the final stages of all of my pre-op work, and hopefully I'll have a date in May (the earliest). Anyway, I'm wondering how you deal with a parent with Bipolar Disorder? My mother is Bipolar, so I never know how I'll catch her any time I talk to her. Well, I told her yesterday that I'm having surgery, which immediately sends her bouncing off the walls with the usual mix of support and negativity. Gah...
To add to this, I met with the psychologist for my MH clearance, and I had to go into my background a bit(totally was expecting that). When I mentioned that my mother is Bipolar, she (the psychologist) immediately was concerned that I was Bipolar too. (Not the case!) Anyway, she told me I should try to avoid having my mother in my life during the next 18 months or so until I was at my goal weight. Wow! I guess I hadn't really considered the severity of how this surgery is going to change my relationships. I thought I was prepared, but now I'm trying to figure out how to best handle my mother. I don't think I could cut her out completely, even though I have considered it on some minor occasions.
I'm not second-guessing the psychologist--I've known for quite a long time that my mother is toxic to me, so I try to keep any contact short and to the point. I'm also sure this surgery is the right thing for me, so I now I need to put myself first. But, how do you deal with that Bipolar parent without having a meltdown at the same time? I really appreciate any help you can provide since this is a very big part of why I'm as big as I am...
And not dealing with it is not an option...I somehow don't have the same liberties as my brother when it comes to dealing with my mother..
To add to this, I met with the psychologist for my MH clearance, and I had to go into my background a bit(totally was expecting that). When I mentioned that my mother is Bipolar, she (the psychologist) immediately was concerned that I was Bipolar too. (Not the case!) Anyway, she told me I should try to avoid having my mother in my life during the next 18 months or so until I was at my goal weight. Wow! I guess I hadn't really considered the severity of how this surgery is going to change my relationships. I thought I was prepared, but now I'm trying to figure out how to best handle my mother. I don't think I could cut her out completely, even though I have considered it on some minor occasions.
I'm not second-guessing the psychologist--I've known for quite a long time that my mother is toxic to me, so I try to keep any contact short and to the point. I'm also sure this surgery is the right thing for me, so I now I need to put myself first. But, how do you deal with that Bipolar parent without having a meltdown at the same time? I really appreciate any help you can provide since this is a very big part of why I'm as big as I am...
And not dealing with it is not an option...I somehow don't have the same liberties as my brother when it comes to dealing with my mother..
I wish! Haha!
Aw, I understand. My Dad is bipolar and I completely get that you don't know "which Dad" you are going to get. Will he be the angry Dad, the upbeat Dad, or the depressed crying Dad. Luckily for me, he lives several states away and we don't talk often. He drives me nuts big time, like off the rails, in a way no one else can.
If she starts "bouncing off the walls" or doing anything that upsets you, can you tell her that you need to hang up/leave, etc. I am not sure how else to deal with it, honestly, other than being blunt with her and telling her when you need a break. Good luck!! I am sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. I am not telling my Dad and I don't know if I will, but it's easier since he lives so far away.
If she starts "bouncing off the walls" or doing anything that upsets you, can you tell her that you need to hang up/leave, etc. I am not sure how else to deal with it, honestly, other than being blunt with her and telling her when you need a break. Good luck!! I am sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. I am not telling my Dad and I don't know if I will, but it's easier since he lives so far away.
Surgery date of 4/30/12 
Do I understand right, you met this psychologist one time and she said you should cut your mom out of your life for the next 18 months? Um.... OK, how would she know enough about the situation to advise that? And usually that's not the kind of thing a mental health care provider tells patients to do anyway. They usually ask you if you think cutting the person out of your life would be a good idea and help you make your own decision.
OK, anyway. Keeping contact with your mom short and to the point sounds like a good plan. For a long time, I had very limited contact with my mom, who is not bipolar but is nuts. Seriously, I think she has a personality disorder. Probably narcecistic (I'm spelling that wrong) personality disorder. I just set real clear boundaries. Like, she wasn't allowed to criticize me for things and was only supposed to give her opinion of my job or my life or whatever if I asked for her opinion. Otherwise, we talked about the weather, stuff like that. If she started getting critical, I gave her a warning. "I can't listen to your criticism. Do you want to talk about something else? Otherwise, this conversation is over." If she continued, I got up and walked out, or I hung up the phone. After a few months of this, she started sticking to the acceptable topics of conversation.
When your mom has a meltdown, what is that like? Is it just screaming and acting hysterical? What happens if you just walk out or otherwise ignore it? I think that's what I would do. If her meltdowns make her dangerous to herself, like she's likely to harm herself while she's having a meltdown, then I would call 911 and let the professionals help her. Probably she won't enjoy that and in time will stop having so many meltdowns.
How much do you need to do for your mom? Who else does she have in her life fr support? If she doesn't have the support she needs, can you look into getting her a casemanager that could help her with some things so you don't need to?
OK, anyway. Keeping contact with your mom short and to the point sounds like a good plan. For a long time, I had very limited contact with my mom, who is not bipolar but is nuts. Seriously, I think she has a personality disorder. Probably narcecistic (I'm spelling that wrong) personality disorder. I just set real clear boundaries. Like, she wasn't allowed to criticize me for things and was only supposed to give her opinion of my job or my life or whatever if I asked for her opinion. Otherwise, we talked about the weather, stuff like that. If she started getting critical, I gave her a warning. "I can't listen to your criticism. Do you want to talk about something else? Otherwise, this conversation is over." If she continued, I got up and walked out, or I hung up the phone. After a few months of this, she started sticking to the acceptable topics of conversation.
When your mom has a meltdown, what is that like? Is it just screaming and acting hysterical? What happens if you just walk out or otherwise ignore it? I think that's what I would do. If her meltdowns make her dangerous to herself, like she's likely to harm herself while she's having a meltdown, then I would call 911 and let the professionals help her. Probably she won't enjoy that and in time will stop having so many meltdowns.
How much do you need to do for your mom? Who else does she have in her life fr support? If she doesn't have the support she needs, can you look into getting her a casemanager that could help her with some things so you don't need to?
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
Yeah, I was taken aback by what the psychologist said. I've been to the therapy rodeo a few times, and I've never had someone tell me to try to cut her out completely. The psychologist that I saw sees a chunk of bipolar patients and their families, so I guess that's where she's basing her opinion. I dunno...I just want to get clearance from her. My psychiatrist was ready to write me a letter of recommendation, but I have to use this psychologist for the MH clearance. What a pain...
As for when my mom has meltdowns, it usually involves her falling into a manic and very negative state. For instance, when I had my daughter last year, I had made arrangements for her to visit us at the hospital. After some miscommunication on both parts, I called her and asked why she was telling people I didn't want any visitors, when I didn't say that at all. Well, it de-evolved into her yelling at me, telling me I am the worse daughter (I'm her only one), I am a ***** I will be a horrible mother and will ruin my daughter, and was told to never contact her again. She was still ranting when I hung up on her, crying. My husband called her back, and told her in a calm voice that there was no need for upsetting me, etc. She was still going. She eventually hung up on him. I should have taken my cue then but I didn't. She was mad at my husband for at least 6 months after this, and I had cut her off for about 2 months. She profusely apologized, but told me it was my fault for waking her up when I called. Yes, I'm serious. My fault.
I don't do much for my mom, and she's pretty isolated. She works, and can turn on the charm while there, but it all goes out te window at other times. It would be great if he had friends in the area, but she's destroyed so many friendships over the years that she doesn't have many people who want to be around her. My brother escapes most of this becaus. I don't know why he has gotten a pass because he didn't talk to her for about 10 years.
**Sorry for typos--I can't see everything from my iPad.
As for when my mom has meltdowns, it usually involves her falling into a manic and very negative state. For instance, when I had my daughter last year, I had made arrangements for her to visit us at the hospital. After some miscommunication on both parts, I called her and asked why she was telling people I didn't want any visitors, when I didn't say that at all. Well, it de-evolved into her yelling at me, telling me I am the worse daughter (I'm her only one), I am a ***** I will be a horrible mother and will ruin my daughter, and was told to never contact her again. She was still ranting when I hung up on her, crying. My husband called her back, and told her in a calm voice that there was no need for upsetting me, etc. She was still going. She eventually hung up on him. I should have taken my cue then but I didn't. She was mad at my husband for at least 6 months after this, and I had cut her off for about 2 months. She profusely apologized, but told me it was my fault for waking her up when I called. Yes, I'm serious. My fault.
I don't do much for my mom, and she's pretty isolated. She works, and can turn on the charm while there, but it all goes out te window at other times. It would be great if he had friends in the area, but she's destroyed so many friendships over the years that she doesn't have many people who want to be around her. My brother escapes most of this becaus. I don't know why he has gotten a pass because he didn't talk to her for about 10 years.
**Sorry for typos--I can't see everything from my iPad.
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