OT - should I say anything about boyfriend kicking cat off bed?
(deactivated member)
on 4/13/12 4:22 am
on 4/13/12 4:22 am
I will find out if he has any regrets when I talk to him. I suspect the answer will be somewhere in between - he feels sorry for kicking her BUT he feels justified. Which is really confusing to me. I want to know he will never do it again and when I've confronted him with other stuff that bothers me, he has almost always agreed to change and apologized. But I hate that I feel like I'm training him on how to be human.
We'll see how it goes. I'll update the board over the weekend with the results. Hopefully he will admit he was wrong and agree to never kick her again!
We'll see how it goes. I'll update the board over the weekend with the results. Hopefully he will admit he was wrong and agree to never kick her again!
I feel stronger in my opinion of abuse of animals than any other issue in the world. I can watch a horror film and not flinch when I see people being hurt or killed but have to look away if it is an animal. Tell your boyfriend he's not nearly as important as he thinks he is and neither is his precious sleep. Personally, I think you should kick him out of bed and more than likely out of your life. NO TOLERANCE FOR ABUSE OF ANIMALS!!!!
You've been with him for three years. Was this an isolated incident? If so, I'd have a brief chat about it.
If this is something he does more than once, it might be a sign that he needs to find better ways to manage his anger. Both my husband and I love our cats, but sometimes, they are really infuriating, and he has problems managing his emotions. I tend to push them aside or put them out. When he gets too rough with them, we view that as a sign that he needs some therapy to handle his stresses.
We've been handling the cats' behaviors using play techniques. If we are having problems sleeping with them, we put them out (we live in a rural area) for the night, and let them come into the garage or the mudroom (where their food is), depending on the weather. Sometimes, I sneak downstairs and let them in, because I like sleeping with my kitties.
I know that cats are at risk, but their life with us is almost entirely heaven. My husband's anger might come out once every few years, and when it does, it is usually a sign that my husband is in crisis. I think that as much as I'm upset over your kitties feeling hurt by what happened, I'm more concerned about your boyfriend.
If this is something he does more than once, it might be a sign that he needs to find better ways to manage his anger. Both my husband and I love our cats, but sometimes, they are really infuriating, and he has problems managing his emotions. I tend to push them aside or put them out. When he gets too rough with them, we view that as a sign that he needs some therapy to handle his stresses.
We've been handling the cats' behaviors using play techniques. If we are having problems sleeping with them, we put them out (we live in a rural area) for the night, and let them come into the garage or the mudroom (where their food is), depending on the weather. Sometimes, I sneak downstairs and let them in, because I like sleeping with my kitties.
I know that cats are at risk, but their life with us is almost entirely heaven. My husband's anger might come out once every few years, and when it does, it is usually a sign that my husband is in crisis. I think that as much as I'm upset over your kitties feeling hurt by what happened, I'm more concerned about your boyfriend.
(deactivated member)
on 4/13/12 4:18 am
on 4/13/12 4:18 am
I see a therapist to discuss life changes and my boyfriend has gone a few times but he himself doesn't believe in therapy and he mocks it in fact. He definitely has anger issues and some days it causes problems especially when he seems so unhappy and it is a drag to have him around./ I like the ideas you mentioned for dealing with the cats. I think my boyfriend needs to be more self aware and gain some perspective about his life stresses instead of taking it out on the cat. He internalizes a lot of things and when he's in a bad mood, he's in it for days and nothing can make him feel better. We have only been living togehter for less than a year so I wasnt with him every day before when we were just dating and didnt' know about his mood issues.
what kind of crisis is your husband in that tips the alarm? I'm just wondering. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me or my cats before and this week has been stressful but not unreasonably so. I don't understand it.
what kind of crisis is your husband in that tips the alarm? I'm just wondering. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me or my cats before and this week has been stressful but not unreasonably so. I don't understand it.
Well, our lives have been full of great stressors over the past 10 years. Disabled stepchildren, open heart surgery, the death of his father, both my parents, his brother, and two of my nieces, five surgeries for me, and near financial disaster for us both.... combined with the fact that both of us have diagnosed mental illnesses (me, depression with anxiety; him, OCD, ADHD, and anxiety), both our lives have been in near constant crisis. We know that we aren't handling things well when little things set us off.
Despite all this, neither of us are in constant therapy. We use therapy as a tool when we feel like we aren't handling things well.
One of those signs is when Tom isn't able to deal with his kitties very well. Normally, he's the cat whisperer... cats love him and gravitate towards him. When we get there, it's necessary for Tom to review his anger management skills. Sometimes, he takes a refresher course. Sometimes, he talks to a therapist.
I'm sorry your boyfriend doesn't believe in therapy. I'm not sure that I would recommend therapy for him, but honestly, I don't think that I would want to be with him long-term if he didn't go to anger management (a totally different course that focuses on concrete ways to manage inappropriate expressions of anger). Especially since you say that he expresses anger inappropriately fairly often.
Of course, my own bias is against anger. My father had uncontrollable anger, and I have some PTSD from my childhood as a result. My father (who was a great man apart from this problem) gave me black eyes, fat lips and many bruises with infrequent inappropriate anger. You know your boyfriend better than we do. The situation with the cats is fairly minor, but I definitely think there are some signs that would make me worried.
Despite all this, neither of us are in constant therapy. We use therapy as a tool when we feel like we aren't handling things well.
One of those signs is when Tom isn't able to deal with his kitties very well. Normally, he's the cat whisperer... cats love him and gravitate towards him. When we get there, it's necessary for Tom to review his anger management skills. Sometimes, he takes a refresher course. Sometimes, he talks to a therapist.
I'm sorry your boyfriend doesn't believe in therapy. I'm not sure that I would recommend therapy for him, but honestly, I don't think that I would want to be with him long-term if he didn't go to anger management (a totally different course that focuses on concrete ways to manage inappropriate expressions of anger). Especially since you say that he expresses anger inappropriately fairly often.
Of course, my own bias is against anger. My father had uncontrollable anger, and I have some PTSD from my childhood as a result. My father (who was a great man apart from this problem) gave me black eyes, fat lips and many bruises with infrequent inappropriate anger. You know your boyfriend better than we do. The situation with the cats is fairly minor, but I definitely think there are some signs that would make me worried.
(deactivated member)
on 4/13/12 10:34 am
on 4/13/12 10:34 am
Wow, you have really had a lot to deal with! Thanks for sharing that. It helps me have a bit more perspective. I have a lot to think about. He would benefit from anger management since he's always ranting about something or someone and he holds grudges against people who have hurt him. I've told him that the rage he hangs onto against his ex wife hurts him now more than it hurts her! It seems like lately he's angry more often over pretty minor things. He's probably not happy I have changed since we met 3 years ago. Back then we would go out to eat every weekend and have a few beers together. Now I can't eat out due to many food senstiiviites and the fact my appetite is so small and I can't and won't drink alcohol. I'm not sure he would want to be with me if he knew that even if I'm ultimately healthier.
I'm sorry you had a rough childhood.My dad had rage too but he expressed it by yelling and withdrawing love.. It sucks that yours beat you, you poor thing!
My boyfriend has never shown any indication that he would hurt me and he's usually very gentle and loving toward me so the cat kicking incident has me worried too. I'm hoping I can find a good time to talk about it before bed tonight.
Best of luck to you and your husband! You both sound like amazingly strong people.
I'm sorry you had a rough childhood.My dad had rage too but he expressed it by yelling and withdrawing love.. It sucks that yours beat you, you poor thing!
My boyfriend has never shown any indication that he would hurt me and he's usually very gentle and loving toward me so the cat kicking incident has me worried too. I'm hoping I can find a good time to talk about it before bed tonight.
Best of luck to you and your husband! You both sound like amazingly strong people.
my suggestion would be that either you lock the kitties out of the bedroom permanently. Or you give your boyfriend his own bedroom where no cats are allowed.
My husband is a very light sleeper and I'm a very restless sleeper - we each have our own bedrooms. My puppy sleeps with me & my husband sleeps in peace & quiet.
My husband is a very light sleeper and I'm a very restless sleeper - we each have our own bedrooms. My puppy sleeps with me & my husband sleeps in peace & quiet.
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